I actually made a list of topics that I’ve been meaning to discuss, and of course I did not pick one of them. I often write articles while trying to go to sleep. The problem is, they are in my mind and the next day I cannot remember a thing. I guess they are out in the ethers somewhere, so if you find them let me know (ha ha).

Healing. I mean true healing. I have been really struggling. Not because I’m grieving my child, not because I eat horribly, or don’t do many of the right things to stay healthy. The grieving does contribute, but it’s more like icing on the cupcake.

I do want to address something up-front. You will often hear me talk about western medicine and how disillusioned I am with it and with MDs. That sentiment comes from years of frustration and angst with not only my own health, but with many loved-ones health. I’m still frustrated, but I know now that they are only doing what they were taught, and what they were taught is how to do surgery, how to prescribe medication, and how to look up symptoms and match them with probable causes (generally speaking). They – like many of us – were also taught, for example, that if the FDA says some mercury is safe then it is, so on and so forth. There are a few who are better, who strive to learn, but on the whole most are generally doing their best but with what they know. I don’t like to stereotype folks, but it is what it is.

So “going to the doctor” isn’t what I’m talking about here. I’m not trying to treat my symptoms…I’m trying to heal the root cause. Which lends to even more frustration! Why does healing take so long? Why is it painful? Why to so many questions! Oh, and I want the healing journey to be instantaneous. Then I remember it’s not a pill curing the symptom.

Oh, and if you’ve got an issue that an MD needs to address, please use your good adult judgment and go to the appropriate sort of doctor. I’m not here giving you medical advice.

1. You Didn’t Get This Way Overnight

That’s a huge one to remember. Most of us spent years upon years working on our ill health. Our bodies buckled under the strain until finally those sinuses gave way, or maybe the gums receded, or the cardiovascular system gave out. We used things like Roundup without understanding what it might do to us, ate shit tons of mac and cheese without abandon, and partied like it was 1999. All of the environmental factors, including your own INvironmental factors (i.e, your own body), play a part in which illness you develop, how bad it is, etc. etc.

Did you know that emotions play a part too? They do. If you’re engaged with your own body you will be able to recognize it. Just in case you’re not though, have you ever heard of someone getting upset and their blood pressure going up? There you go. Now extend that to anger, grief, and general stress. It really does a number on your and keeps doing it each and every time it is either consciously or unconsciously in play.

So bottom line up front, true healing isn’t quick and it isn’t always fun. It is going to take a minute, it’s going to take your dedication, and you’re going to have to sustain lifestyle changes.

2. You Will Have Healing Crises

You can Google “healing crisis” but here is a nice link to explain it if you aren’t familiar. Basically all of your symptoms get worse, and you think “OMG, this isn’t working!” But really it is, it just sucks really bad because you start detoxing in various ways. There is also a great Simpsons episode that explores this briefly, although it was subtle and most people probably didn’t realize what was happening.

The best thing I can tell you is stay the course! I bet it’s similar to stopping smoking. You finally get it out of your system, and know you can’t go back or you’ll pick it up again. Same with whatever you were doing to become dis-eased.

3. Your Symptoms Don’t Clear Up Overnight

I plan to write about the homeopathic journey I’ve been on since December and use my own examples. But you definitely won’t see things clear up overnight. It doesn’t work that way. You are slowly backing out of whatever you’ve already been through. It works the same way with chiropractic care when you have many or chronic issues.

For example, I have tremendous and horrible neck pain and migraines. They had gotten better but I think my body had just suppressed them. Now that I’m being treated actively, they’ve come out with a vengeance. In fact, I feel so shitty right now that I’m probably not giving this blog post my all. I’m not quitting though. I’ve come too far and am committed! (Hope if you’re reading this because you were looking for healing journey info, you are too!).

Anyway, my point is that this is going to take a bit for me to get rid of the migraines and fix whatever is causing them, and causing me not to hold an adjustment. It’s a process. It’s not take two aspirin and call me in the morning.

4. Also Take Care of Your Emotional Body

Healing isn’t just about the physical, there are emotional causes to physical dis-ease like I mentioned above. For example, grief has caused me to experience panic attacks and anxiety when I get emotionally stressed. It has become like a runaway train, and I can observe it calmly but can’t control my body actions. So that results in a lot of physical tension, which results in an uptick of migraines and neck pain.

That’s a pretty easy example, but here’s another well-known example in the metaphysical community at least…did you know that anger, if not processed, can cause cancer? What I mean is, if you “swallow it” rather than finding a healthy outlet – like me writing here – it will cause dis-ease in your body.

That’s all for today. I will get started writing about my journey with Homeopathy this week. It has been very interesting and has produced positive results.

Oh, and hang in there if you’re struggling like I am. Support each other!

Love and blessings,

Nicole

I am somewhat surprised that it has been so long since last writing. I’ve had a rough few years with my health and how I feel. It was a catch 22 because when I feel bad, I don’t express and process. And when I don’t express and process, I feel bad. It’s a viscous cycle and I really need to take my own advice and not stay in it!

But I also had a wonderful 3 year stint with my job with wonderful people (for the most part). Working long hours, even at a job you love, doesn’t give you much time to write. I couldn’t do it from my job’s local network and typing on my phone was just too hard for more than a few sentences. I have fat fingers lol!

So what all has changed?

I got a new laptop. I had been using Erin’s laptop, and it was long overdue for a change of energy. I have it packed away and will keep it forever and ever but it was slowly dying.

I’m in between programs. For those of you who don’t know, I’m an IT manager. I like to keep my professional life out of things here but it’s a huge part of who I am. I use my spiritual gifts and intuition, as well as common sense, to lead teams of people and execute mission goals. I’ll be great if the GF ever drafts me. Maybe it will be like Starship Troopers but less dangerous.

I paid off my car – first car I’ve ever paid off so woo hoo! That’s not really relevant here but what the hell. I’m excited about it. On that note, I owe less than $7K on my student loan. Woo hoo! I’ll have it paid off before I’m 52.

I have been blessed with two new cats. Larry came to us as a 4-5 week old stray last year, and we just adopted Helios who is around 7 mo old to play with her. Buffy is 11 now, fat, and just can’t be bothered.

I had surgery on my knee, shoulder, and thyroid within a year of each other. All on the right side. For those of you who are knowledgeable on that sort of thing, I know the right side is significant but I’ve just been too overwhelmed to gain clarity. So maybe you can clue me in?!

I started seeing a homeopathic practitioner. Some of my issues are old, and it’s been painful. I am getting over a migraine now in fact. But it also has helped me to open up to write again. Woo hoo!

I have been reconnecting with old friends of all kinds. I love that. Everyone I’ve ever met is in my heart somewhere. Thank you for being you.

I bet many of us have had tons of changes since we were all forced indoors for awhile. That is another topic entirely, but let me just say that I hope you are transforming or have transformed like the butterfly that I know you are. We are in this together, so let’s keep communicating.

Love and blessings,

Nicole

Greetings everyone! It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been verbal at all, so I’m happy to work on becoming so again. It’s so easy to just hold it all in. After awhile, it’s like there is just too much to say or explain and so the saga of holding it in continues. I couldn’t begin to tell you what I’ve been doing, feeling, thinking, etc. so I’ll just start anew.

For one, I removed some pages from my website. For me, pages are like books and I never get rid of books. But what if the stories don’t fit me anymore? I really don’t need to refer back to them. So I got rid of them. I also got rid of my services page. That’s another story all together, but I had energetically blocked services (coming from me) many years ago. That story was painful, and it got brought to light this week by a dear friend so I am revisiting it within now.

Am I tracking with you? I ask only because I feel like what I type is not very readable or understandable. Rhetorical question of course – you may read this later but you aren’t here with me now.

Which brings me to the topic of current events. Are you experiencing isolation? I prefer isolation most of the time, but admit that too much of a good thing can be detrimental. If it’s bothering you, flip the script to make it more positive. You can be thankful for the time you have to spend in meditation, or organizing your house, or resting for instance. The half-full or half-empty attitude is all up to you! I encourage you to try the half-full attitude and see how you feel. It’s all about how you feel and if something feels good, then don’t worry what anyone else is saying about it. (Hint: you won’t harm others generally if something feels good. If you have to think about it, take the time to do so and act in accordance with what your heart tells you.)

During this period where we are largely at home, I’ve been working 10 hour days. So not a lot of time to do things others may have the opportunity to do if you are off work or furloughed. I know you’ve got to pay bills, but if you’ve not had to work, try and see the “half-full” and be thankful for the time to just be you. That’s not a luxury we have in this modern world most of the time. This virus may have given us a gift we didn’t know we needed.

Without the constant stream of people every day, though, I did have extra time to be alone with my thoughts and practice introspection a little more than I have had time for. I started this post yesterday, and I wasn’t able to finish it because I hadn’t yet turned the tide. I’ll write about that later, but rediscovering your Self and growing is such an important part of our lives. I’m thankful that I had the opportunity to shift again.

That’s all for now. Much love and blessings, and #missingerin

I haven’t written since August. I mentally noted, and probably noted here, that I knew I had a throat chakra challenge as evidenced by a huge goiter and nodule that had grown on my right thyroid. I had it removed on August 14 (more on that in a minute).

I also will assume up front that this transmission will be disjointed. How else would 5 months of pent up stuff to say come out? I’ll try to keep some clarity while writing.

For a long time I’ve wondered why I write. I used to write service type articles. Real articles – how you can help yourself or steps to take to improve something. I actually had a business online at one time that was spiritual self-help. At some point I decided that what I was offering wasn’t valuable. Then I decided that interacting with people in need drained me in a way I wasn’t prepared for (how is that different than the help I give others daily? I don’t know.). And so I drifted from my path and I stopped sharing…until Erin’s body died.

After that I let it all out. It was therapeutic, and hopefully helped some of you. At some point though, I had nothing new to say. I was tired of hearing myself complain about the crumminess of daily living, and the pain. I also struggled with starting up my spiritual sharings again. Some of my “new readers” weren’t into that. Would I alienate them? Offend them? Why did I care so much? (I care about others. But there’s a balance.)

And then…after a year of mostly silence…and feeling unworthy which also translated into my verbal communication with others at work etc….I suddenly had a thyroid goiter and nodule. On the right side – right is masculine traditionally. The realm of action (the feminine/left is the realm of creation/seeding > the masculine acts on this). Those of you who have known me a very long time might wonder how I could have a throat chakra imbalance. I was/am very verbal. I used to be very sharp tongued. But even then, there was no balance. Now I had swung the opposite direction and I guess based on general health, at least on the other extreme I was getting it out of my physical body.

The thyroid surgery was rough, rougher than expected but I healed well. My left side took over and I have felt better than I had in years. I began a shamanic journeying class online (Sandra Ingerman’s class) and started really making some progress in understanding me and my journey. But I didn’t get very far in when I realized I had to get my knee – right knee – fixed before I could physically journey again. I have a Machu Pichu trip planned for 2020 and I plan to hike – to pilgrimage – the 26 miles over 4 days to get there.

Oh, did I forget to mention that the surgery date was on Erin’s death anniversary? I tried to get another date and one wasn’t available. I asked the universe WTH and kept moving.

My knee is healing fast, but it took me down for a bit. BTW, I did that on December 4 because the next available date was on December 11…Erin’s birthday. Seriously universe – WTH?

But the morning of I had an ultrasound on my remaining thyroid and the nodules had grown, and a new one larger than the others appeared. They have to do a needle biopsy on January 8. Isn’t that my Uncle Joel’s birthday? I think so. Damn. I walked with him as he died of cancer too, and was with him and Aunt Shirley when he passed on. He was mentally retarded this life and like a child…making it that much harder to experience.

And last Saturday on the Solstice, I woke up with a cold. It got worse before the 26th eclipse. I’ve been out of commission since, unable to work or otherwise function. Very sore throat – there’s that throat chakra again. I really have had no choice but to use “western meds” to alleviate the coughing. It makes me really foggy.

So, while Shaun went shopping for t-shirts (you know I don’t feel good if I didn’t want to go shopping), I realized I have to write. I forgot to mention I had a session with Suzanne Lie last month and she told me something, which I think is the crux of my point to you and to me. She said, this has to come out of you. You aren’t doing this for anyone else – you are writing for you. I heard her, I really did, but I didn’t really grok it until now. (Sowelu, if you are reading, that word always makes me think of you. And I have missed you so terribly. Much love <3)

I know now that it doesn’t matter if anyone is reading this. Or what anyone else thinks. Although I do welcome feedback and discussion…it enriches me and you. I still don’t know what “this” is but yes, it has to come out. I have identifiable issues with my health, emotionally, and in my communication at work that I need to resolve/heal or whatever the right words are. I don’t want to carry this into 2020. I am not the same person that I was even last year, and as such I can let what that person carried go. I can heal the rifts and the open wounds and I can thrive. This is the first step to doing that. Thanks for listening, love and blessings, and #missingerin <3

I have not added a title first this time. My guidance keeps shouting the word “Beloved” but honestly I don’t see the fit. So I am rebelling and keeping it for last. The inner shouting is persistent though.

For those of you who follow metaphysical type topics, you may know that we are in an auspicious time of energetic currents with the Lion’s Gate (8:8) upcoming, a new moon, and we just finished the Mayan Galactic Year with the new year on 7/26. This is the year of the White Magnetic Wizard. I love how that sounds and feels.

I’m also having some sort of inner closet clean out going on. It’s the time of year when I have to face down the date of Erin’s body’s death, and the month long shit show that preceded that. It’s also my brother-in-law Greg’s upcoming birthday within the week (remember, he passed the May before Erin very suddenly). And my mother’s 2nd husband, who died earlier this year, has a birthday within this week and he’s been on my mind. He reconnected with me but bless him, I did not have the emotional energy to give him what he needed except very sparingly spread over time. He needed a friend who cared (in summary) and I couldn’t be that for him since I could barely be that for me.

I was walking through Dillard’s on Thursday leaving a hair appointment (yes, my guy works at Dillard’s and he is fantastic), and passed some Southern Living decor and pillows. I thought, oh I like that…and then in a matter of seconds I had this conversation in my mind…

This stuff is for a home that has a family. That isn’t me anymore. (And then I felt bitterness welling up, so I had to stop and recognize the bitterness which was a separate conversation). Well if that isn’t me who am I? What does that mean? What do I embody and how do I represent who I am on the inside on the outside? WTF WTF WTF!?!?!?

All of that before I hit the next section of stuff. I am thankful that I processed it though. I’m still processing it so I guess I should say “recognized it.” **Sigh**

This week I have had other things come to mind and I realized that I am grieving things from my past. The old me. My old life. I heard a good bit of advice from a video that said to stop focusing on things that happened. You just cement them into the timeline and you also attach yourself to that energy and can’t move forward. So I’m doing with that what I can and encourage you to as well.

Just this morning I was informed that time and elements have finally ruined my father’s toolbox, which I’ve had my entire life. It was metal and apparently it and the tools have rusted. I should have kept it inside I suppose, but it’s not something I use, open, or think about. But the idea of throwing it away caused a rather unpleasant reaction. I also no longer want his desk. That and my mother’s bedroom furniture have become a burden. But I grieve them…I grieve the idea of parting with them. I’ve not only parted with people, but I’ve parted with most of my things and their things in this last move. I feel emptiness in that reality.

But I’ve also developed an attitude of “What’s the use?” and it has affected my health. On Erin’s Angelversary this year, I will be having 1/2 my thyroid removed. Sometime post January, it swelled and grew a huge nodule that has ruined the right half. I’ve also got candida in my esophagus, and feel like utter crap. I have a renewed sense of self but the physical damage is done. If you’re wondering, the thyroid can’t be healed and will be better without the physical piece. I can see the photonic outline of the gland though in my mind’s eye … once it’s out the energy and photonic DNA will remain.

Now I know why I am to call this one Beloved. Love and blessings and #missingerin <3

Well, I felt that title strongly, but as of yet I’m not quite sure what it’s about. I love how it flows but sometimes am bewildered in a good way.

Commitment to writing today? Because I opened it, closed it, and then hemmed and hawed about it some. I’ve been doing some studying to renew my PMP (PDU credits), and going through some email and articles. There is a theme – trust what your heart tells you. That’s it in a nutshell, but it was presented in several different ways. I guess that’s being committed to your self right? To your truth, your path? It seems important but I can’t seem to elaborate on it.

I’m still pondering how interact with unkind people. Not how to feel about them – I feel love and gratitude for them even if it is tinged with confusion or sadness. But what to DO with them. I don’t have to do anything with them, but I can’t sit and let them spew ugliness either. So hmmm…I’m clearly committed to this line of pondering.

While pondering just now, I realize that I am committed to my journey. Since around 1998 I’ve been on a spiritual journey. I’ve learned and expanded, continue to do so, and have changed ever so slightly each time that I gain more understanding. Building on a foundation. When Erin left this plane of existence, that house burned down and the foundation was shattered. I was going to walk away but stayed the course after a few weeks of being completely disconnected from all that is. I feel that now I have completed a major portion of this life’s journey as I am on some circular wheel now, and need to get off and get on another pathway. I take what I am with me, and build and expand upon it as I go.

If it feels right in your heart, commit to it fully. Once your brain gets in the way, your ego will let fear step in and tell you all of the reasons your previous excitement was stupid and careless. I unfortunately know that you might not have “some day” to do it later. Commit to following your heart – and unconditional love and peace within – now.

Love and blessings <3 #missingerin <3

Not to the bars, lol, but the bars. I had never heard of Access Bars until recently, but I’ve had it done twice now by a lovely local lady named Melissa Posey and it was phenomenal. Both sessions were different, and timely. I’ve done a lot of emotional clearing in my life, but I came to a point where that wasn’t providing very much value to me. It was sort of like a circular thing where I couldn’t get off the wheel. I knew some door was locked but I couldn’t find the key let alone the door.

The first session, I felt a huge burden lift off of me. I don’t know what it was, but I was just amazed at the feeling and how balanced out I was afterward. The second session was yesterday and it was much different. There was a lot of blocked feeling energy in my head that felt like it was being broken up with a laser. I can’t wait to see what patterns and such are dislodged as a result of yesterday’s session.

I’ve wanted to tell y’all about Melissa Posey for awhile, so go see her for some energy work or massage if you are local to Huntsville. She’s pretty awesome.

Love, blessings, and #missingerin <3

I am troubled, by lots of things. I hopefully finally became unblocked, but in order to get there I woke up during the night with a very vivid image of my mother in a specific dress that she wore during the 80’s. It is associated with a very bad time in my life for many reasons and with feelings I have towards her that I have not let go of. This is relevant to the rest of what I want to talk about today, so I mention it up front.

I recently posted something on FaceBook by (I think) Trevor Noah, who was explaining the spirit behind the idea of reparations to those of African descent whose ancestors were slaves. I knew that it would stir up some stuff, but it was so nicely explained that I had to post it. I agree with it after all, and I hoped it would reach at least one person.

Unfortunately the same players (they are always the same) bitched and griped about it being about money. I suppose even though I didn’t take the time there to explain this, yes it is about money. BECAUSE MONEY IS A FORM OF ENERGY EXCHANGE. A lot of energy was taken from this group of people on the unseen level and they are still feeling the effects. But from a purely 3D level, our ancestors really fucked these folks. Don’t you feel like maybe you can finally pay the debt left to you?

So that wasn’t what I was getting at but it had to be said. I’ve struggled over the past few days. This handful of people are representative of a lot of people, and on the surface they are nice people. I like or have liked them in the past, had an affinity for them. But their words don’t match what I thought they were on the inside. My role should be to extend them love and kindness regardless, and to provide a better example should they notice it. But there’s a part of me that just wants to say Adios and move on. I’m troubled – what do I do? How violently do I say no, that’s not right and I’m not standing for it? It’s not my role to judge – do I just smile and send love and thus – IN A 3D SENSE – indicate agreement?

I’m walking between worlds here. My entire being has changed so much that I find I cannot live in the true sense of the word in the 3rd dimensional way of things. I can’t understand the lack of kindness, of love, and the greediness or mindset of “MINE – NOT YOURS!” I can’t understand why someone would hate all Muslims, or blacks, or women or whatever. I can’t stand the hypocrites and the assholes. And I don’t know how to continue going about my day to day life feeling bewildered and sad about it. I’ve got enough to be bewildered and sad about.

Which brings me back to my mother. It is clear that I have not let my disdain for who she was go. I wrote last year about seeing her in the in between dimension, and how happy I was to see her. It was her best self, not who she was here. I’m holding her hostage and me too by holding on to the past, but it was real, and it happened, and goddamn it all I wanted was acknowledgement from her that I never got. I experienced all that was my childhood and while this life may be an illusion, it’s a real one that sucks.

I don’t know how to reconcile that with who I am now, who she is. I don’t know how to reconcile the ugly words and attitudes of people that I know with the light, dim as it may be, that I see within them. I don’t know how to lovingly say “Hey, you are an asshole. You need to be nice” and have them receive it (because, you know, they won’t). I don’t even know why I bother, or why I am bothered, because I can’t do a damn thing about how others conduct themselves.

I am troubled for the entire world, and if I’m being honest, for the fact that I’m stuck here and can’t escape it. I’ve got some job to do before I find the key and door out of here and I’m so tired of waiting to be given the details. If it’s being a light in the face of a shit storm, I am trying.

And yes, all of this under the tremendous weight of missing Erin. For anyone who wonders, it is never ending. I wake up thinking of her, face it during my day many times, and go to bed with her as my last thought. Love is the only thing keeping me going, which is why I keep emphasizing it to everyone. I guess maybe that’s my purpose for continuing on. #missingerin

I am constipated. Really, badly constipated. And I have been for awhile. One day a month or so ago I realized it was because I’m holding everything in. It coincidentally began around the time I stopped writing and started holding everything in.

By holding in, I’m not just talking about my grief and sadness. I mean things I want to share – anything. Either I don’t want to deal with it, or don’t have time to stop and do this. It’s all just stuck up inside of me.

Funny thing is, what does come out comes in little balls, which is appropriate because that’s what I let out. Bite sized bouts of grief, of sharing, of anything. I realize hearing about my lack of poop is TMI but I’m sharing just in case YOU have this problem, and to tell you not to ignore your guidance. I have ignored mine since I received it and it got worse. UGH.

There’s no way that I can share 4-5 months of stuff, and I still feel bottled up but this is a start. I want to begin offering spiritual sharings again. I have a deep desire to be in service to others but still don’t know quite what my niche is. I need a tax break so may get a business license again – that’s a win/win because I can offer some services or products (which I enjoy) and help my bottom line. Who knows where that will lead me.

So…that’s it for now. I had to pull the plug somehow and this is a start. Love and blessings to everyone, and #missingerin <3