I haven’t written since August. I mentally noted, and probably noted here, that I knew I had a throat chakra challenge as evidenced by a huge goiter and nodule that had grown on my right thyroid. I had it removed on August 14 (more on that in a minute).
I also will assume up front that this transmission will be disjointed. How else would 5 months of pent up stuff to say come out? I’ll try to keep some clarity while writing.
For a long time I’ve wondered why I write. I used to write service type articles. Real articles – how you can help yourself or steps to take to improve something. I actually had a business online at one time that was spiritual self-help. At some point I decided that what I was offering wasn’t valuable. Then I decided that interacting with people in need drained me in a way I wasn’t prepared for (how is that different than the help I give others daily? I don’t know.). And so I drifted from my path and I stopped sharing…until Erin’s body died.
After that I let it all out. It was therapeutic, and hopefully helped some of you. At some point though, I had nothing new to say. I was tired of hearing myself complain about the crumminess of daily living, and the pain. I also struggled with starting up my spiritual sharings again. Some of my “new readers” weren’t into that. Would I alienate them? Offend them? Why did I care so much? (I care about others. But there’s a balance.)
And then…after a year of mostly silence…and feeling unworthy which also translated into my verbal communication with others at work etc….I suddenly had a thyroid goiter and nodule. On the right side – right is masculine traditionally. The realm of action (the feminine/left is the realm of creation/seeding > the masculine acts on this). Those of you who have known me a very long time might wonder how I could have a throat chakra imbalance. I was/am very verbal. I used to be very sharp tongued. But even then, there was no balance. Now I had swung the opposite direction and I guess based on general health, at least on the other extreme I was getting it out of my physical body.
The thyroid surgery was rough, rougher than expected but I healed well. My left side took over and I have felt better than I had in years. I began a shamanic journeying class online (Sandra Ingerman’s class) and started really making some progress in understanding me and my journey. But I didn’t get very far in when I realized I had to get my knee – right knee – fixed before I could physically journey again. I have a Machu Pichu trip planned for 2020 and I plan to hike – to pilgrimage – the 26 miles over 4 days to get there.
Oh, did I forget to mention that the surgery date was on Erin’s death anniversary? I tried to get another date and one wasn’t available. I asked the universe WTH and kept moving.
My knee is healing fast, but it took me down for a bit. BTW, I did that on December 4 because the next available date was on December 11…Erin’s birthday. Seriously universe – WTH?
But the morning of I had an ultrasound on my remaining thyroid and the nodules had grown, and a new one larger than the others appeared. They have to do a needle biopsy on January 8. Isn’t that my Uncle Joel’s birthday? I think so. Damn. I walked with him as he died of cancer too, and was with him and Aunt Shirley when he passed on. He was mentally retarded this life and like a child…making it that much harder to experience.
And last Saturday on the Solstice, I woke up with a cold. It got worse before the 26th eclipse. I’ve been out of commission since, unable to work or otherwise function. Very sore throat – there’s that throat chakra again. I really have had no choice but to use “western meds” to alleviate the coughing. It makes me really foggy.
So, while Shaun went shopping for t-shirts (you know I don’t feel good if I didn’t want to go shopping), I realized I have to write. I forgot to mention I had a session with Suzanne Lie last month and she told me something, which I think is the crux of my point to you and to me. She said, this has to come out of you. You aren’t doing this for anyone else – you are writing for you. I heard her, I really did, but I didn’t really grok it until now. (Sowelu, if you are reading, that word always makes me think of you. And I have missed you so terribly. Much love <3)
I know now that it doesn’t matter if anyone is reading this. Or what anyone else thinks. Although I do welcome feedback and discussion…it enriches me and you. I still don’t know what “this” is but yes, it has to come out. I have identifiable issues with my health, emotionally, and in my communication at work that I need to resolve/heal or whatever the right words are. I don’t want to carry this into 2020. I am not the same person that I was even last year, and as such I can let what that person carried go. I can heal the rifts and the open wounds and I can thrive. This is the first step to doing that. Thanks for listening, love and blessings, and #missingerin <3
