Nicole
Author's posts
Sep 23
(No title)
I decided that I want to share some more today. Yesterday was the Autumn Equinox. Historically, the Equinox and the Solstice, both coming twice a year, are very important. If you don’t think so, consider that the Christian religion assumed them into their own tradition (Christmas and Yule, for example). But that’s not my point. …
Sep 23
Bad Morning, First Thing
I woke up this morning and thought I had talked myself out of the regular gut clinching, heart grabbing panic. No deal though. As I sit and write this, my gut is rolled up in balls and I can barely breathe. I have managed to keep the thoughts about why (i.e., Erin) under wraps for …
Sep 22
Different Flavors
Right now I have a calmness in my heart that I have not had in a long while. It is layered with sadness, sort of like a layered cake or a casserole. That analogy just occurred to me by the way. It has its own flavor. Emotions come in many flavors. Like Apple Cinnamon or …
Sep 20
The Fear that Binds
I am afraid. I read something this morning, talking about how grief makes it frightening to go into the grocery store because you are reminded of your loved one at every turn. This was but one example, and it’s true. I think at first I just felt that it made me sad. Now I realize …
Sep 20
Saturday (Lack of) Thoughts
I am not quite sure what to share today. I still feel awful, like life isn’t worth living, and like my life is over. It’s funny…I never wanted kids, and then when I got pregnant I fell in love. And I’m still in love with her even though she is not here. I never wanted …
Sep 19
Inner Dialogue
First I want to say that today, I feel stable. It is not because of some inner breakthrough, though. It is because on the advice of Beth Terrence at The Heart of Awakening that I added the Bach remedy Sweet Chestnut to the Bach Star of Bethlehem that I was already taking. In short, the …
Sep 18
Two Stories
Here are two stories of things that happened, that I know was Erin letting us all know how much she cares and that she is still around “somewhere.” I have a mentally-disabled uncle, Uncle Joel, who was born with reduced mental faculties and lives with one of my aunts since my grandparents passed away. A …
Sep 18
Just UGH
I had planned to share some stories about things people have told me happened after Erin’s death this morning, but I did not wake up with a smile on my face so I’m going to table it for now. I woke up panicked again. I knew she was dead and not missing, but the feeling …
Sep 17
Teetering this Morning
Well today is a new day, and it could go either way at this point. I had a relatively good night last night and I did notice but I was unsure why. At some point during my decent evening, a friend sent me an article that happened to be about Alexander the Great and Hephaestion. …
Sep 16
This Journey…
You know, I just realized something. Well, I have been “uncomfortable” with “polluting” my metaphysical website, which I have had for many years (I know I don’t update it much), with my unending grief. But I had a revelation. The subtitle is The Journey Home. This is part of the journey home, for me. Maybe …