Feb 12

Musings for 2/12/2018

Greetings all. I have been on business travel, and sick, for the past month (not in that order) so have not written in awhile. I have thought about writing though, as I’ve had some interesting experiences.

Since I don’t know when the last time I shared was, forgive me if you already knew that I had the flu. I was surprised. I haven’t had the flu in years, and do not take the vaccine (don’t plan to). But I know where I got it…at a funeral. I saw someone post a day or two afterward that “I have the flu” and darn, I hugged them. I bet a lot of folks there got it since there was a lot of hugging going on.

But mine was mild except for a few days of excessive coughing that arrived after the fever had gone down. I was in bed 3 days with a fever, spiking at 101.6. But I did not take any pain/fever meds because I wanted the fever to do it’s job and it did. On day 3 it broke and never came back. I was actually on business travel and went to an Urgent Care for my cough when I found out I tested positive for flu. He said my lungs sounded fine and confirmed I had no fever. That was about 5 days post symptom-start.

Anyway, I ended up with the remnants of a chest cold type thing that should be going away soon. I hope so as it is annoying. But I sort of feel like I need to look at why I am being annoyed – there’s a message there I keep ignoring? It feels that way.

I had the best “work week” I’ve had in years last week at a customer site. I was working again as part of a team, doing something constructive and quite busy. That’s the sort of work-life I want and hopefully my desires have been answered. But traveling is hard on me. There are a lot of sights at the airport, for example, that hit me right in the heart chakra. People with their children especially. It’s rough. Oh, and not buying souvenirs anymore. I can’t not notice the stores.

We are in year 4 – it will be 4 years this August. On Saturday night I had that awful feeling – first in my heart area then it sank to the pit of my stomach. I knew what it was, and I woke on Sunday extremely depressed. There are just times that it is too much and I can no longer deal with it. Her room is still nearly just like she left it. I had to clean her play room up when we thought we would sell the house but it’s basically intact, posters still on the wall. The only thing missing is her. I can’t get rid of her stuff because that’s just more heartbreak, and I’m at my limit. Who knew that I could miss someone this much, for this long, every single day?

I know there was a local child who died recently. I just have to turn away from that, you know? I have nothing positive to say. This is a life sentence and it never gets better. Time doesn’t heal this wound. You do learn how to keep going, how to manage, but when you aren’t distracted and you think of your baby, it feels like it just happened. There is no hope. There is just trying to be the best person you can be, in honor of your child, until you are released from this hell that we call life.

So how’s that to brighten your day? I know, but I feel that way inside all the damn time. So I hope my work life does continuously improve, because I need something for Pete’s sake. Video games and exercise and whatever else only goes so far. At least I was so exhausted every night last week that I collapsed into bed, even forgetting to tell Erin goodnight a few times.

Oh, and in other news, I must have been completely disconnected from my body because on Wednesday, I didn’t realized my left foot was asleep and twisted my ankle worse than I have in my entire life. It was bruised and my calf muscles are still sore. Talk about a disconnect! It was a reminder to me that I have to be aware of my body, mind, and spirit – all the time. Can’t just focus on one.

I also figured out why therapists just have you come and talk. You figure your own shit out when you talk about it, if that’s your desire anyway. Otherwise you just talk and never attend to your issues. So that’s why I talk here. By the end of what I’m writing, I’ve helped me and maybe even helped you. At the very least you are either amused or think “Wow, my life isn’t so bad I guess.” LOL Maybe both.

I guess that’s it – flow is gone. Will chat later. Hugs, blessings, and #missingerin <3

Jan 22

Musings for 1/22/2018

I realize that I have not written much in January but I have been either busy or sick. I realized this week that most of the time when I say “I’m sick” I’m not truly sick. Well, sick for me, but not truly sick. Sick means feels bad. Could be sinus. Could be too much beer (but not in awhile). Could be fatigue. This time, though, I got a real physical illness.

The journey there and back is the story I want to tell you though. I really don’t believe that anything is random. Every single thing we experience serves our greater journey and the day to day steps that we take to get there. Good stuff, bad stuff, it’s all part of the simulation we’re running called “My Earth Life.” Let me also remind me (and you) that there are no mistakes or failures, only learning experiences.

Week before last I attended a funeral on Tuesday and on Thursday evening I went to Atlanta to be with my family there. Both events were stressful for me, and even though I take decent care of myself I woke up overly tired on Friday morning. You’d think that would be clue #1 (because it always precedes an illness or migraine), but nope, I was laser focused on being there for my cousin and completing whatever tasks we had ahead of us for the weekend. But on Saturday night I had to call it and I went to bed at 8:30.

On Sunday I got up to go home and could feel a chest cold coming on so I even stopped and bought Mucinex. I drove the 200 miles home, went to get Shaun and I food and also went to get something for the cold I assumed I had. Since I now had a thermometer, I confirmed that I had a fever and went to bed for a few days. I had a business trip coming up on Wednesday and Tuesday was my travel day.

Now I bet you’re thinking…why didn’t you stay home girl? I’ll remind you of that next time you say “But I have to take my kids to volleyball.” Or “I have to do laundry.” Or whatever. You understand. Plus, let me just say that the topic of the business meeting was something I am interested in, so I wanted to attend.

My fever broke Monday night, just in time for the 24 hour rule for fevers and going places. I actually felt good on Tuesday and made my way to the airport. But by the time I got to my destination around 7pm, the dreaded cough came. It kept me up all night. I apologize to whomever was in the room next to me.

Other than the nagging cough I felt fine. So I medicated up and got my shower and made my way to the first day of meetings. But that damn cough…it was a bad one. I kept it at bay like you would a rabid dog with cough drops etc. all day but I knew I wasn’t going to live another night with it, so at the end of the day I went to an urgent care. Picture me…it’s cold as hell where I was and I had no rental car. I Uber’d to urgent care, and after that a pharmacy, then to the hotel. But I digress…

My throat looked pretty rough, but I thought it was from the cough. Or maybe I had strep. So they did a strep test and a flu test. I had the Flu! I haven’t had the flu in years and could not believe it. It was a mild flu. I had actually been to one of my more natural doctors the Monday prior and they agreed I did not have flu symptoms but did have cold symptoms. Believe it or not, at the urgent care I had no fever and my lungs sounded fine. But due to the positive flu test, I had to disclose and later cancel my second day of meetings (well, they went on without me). I was bummed. Hadn’t I done everything right? Why me? Will they all be mad at me if by some off chance I got them sick? UGH.

I also couldn’t fly back home on Thursday. Well, if I wanted to throw away $500 I could have. I didn’t. So I hung out in bed in my nice Hilton room. At least it was a nice room.

Once I got home I began pondering this over and over. Stressing over it really. Where did I got wrong? Why did I get bitten in the ass once again?

Then yesterday I was listening to something or other and one phrase caused me to say out loud to myself “The decision to go on the trip was made in Ego.” BAM! I had not honored my body or spirit in this matter, and so it made me sit the F down and take a time out. And truthfully, once I did that, I was better immediately. Like cough gone, felt better immediately. DUH.

Part of what informed my intuition here is that I also got an instant reminder of while I was sick, being shown exactly what to do and when. Here’s an example…I was coughing and kept seeing an image of myself making a glass of hot salt water to gargle. I kept ignoring it but finally got up and did that. It was just what I needed at that time. I had several other instances like that, and they repeated in my mind’s eye until I stopped ignoring them and acted.

For whatever reason, my body wanted to rest. I did not honor that but instead honored my ego who said things like “go to the meeting” and “get out of bed lazy.” But really the big picture is that I made the wrong decision for me at that time because I used only logic to make it. Was it the best decision I could make at that time? Unfortunately, yes it was. I was tired, and I was stressed about what was on my plate to complete and was focused only on that. Truly I was on the spectrum of Fear. Had I been more heart-centered (or in the spectrum of Love), I would have felt (heart) and known (mind/logic) what was right for me in that now. It’s a classic example of just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

Anyway, once I released that yesterday I have felt much better in both my mind and spirit. It was weighing me down. I made a mistake and in some way failed by not choosing correctly the first time. So I’ll probably have to repeat this scenario again. But I did figure it out and connected with it, so hopefully next time around I’ll check this one off and be done with it.

Blessings and love,

#missingerin

Jan 11

Musings for 1/11/2018

Yesterday I managed to have a major “breakthrough” in regards to beating myself up about (insert here). I know there are others out there who are also beating themselves up knowingly and unknowingly. Either way, your Self hears and feels you and it is unhealthy. My hope is that we can learn together to be more loving to ourselves, and to others.

This image was the most popular image on the internet to represent the Medieval people known as the Flagellants. They were called that because they practiced what is known as flagellation for religious purposes. In short, they would beat themselves bloody as a penance of sorts, and if I recall correctly they would go about their daily lives and march in the streets doing it.

Yesterday when I was speaking with my friend, I told her that this was what I have been doing to myself, except my experience is emotional and mental and not physical. After I hung up with her, I had a visual image of it. First it manifested as a mace, and I immediately thought well that’s not very efficient. Then it immediately morphed into a whip just like the one you see pictured. Except mine had little mace-like barbs on the ends. Smaller barbs and more tentacles for maximum torture and endurance. Perfect.

One of the things I was telling my friend is that I am having a terrible time being accountable and responsible, but then letting it go and moving forward. I keep talking about the former Me and the Me in this now. With growth, we change and we become better than we were before. We become different. So the Me that I am today is not even the same Me that wrote to you yesterday. I have grown and gained further wisdom and knowledge, and thus I have expanded. I understand things differently, and so much more.

That doesn’t negate what the Me yesterday wrote, or the feelings, or even anything negative or positive that I said or did. But it seems counterproductive to stay in a state of self-punishment in order to be accountable and responsible. How do we bridge that gap? I am not yet sure but I’m working on it.

My friend finally said something that clicked for me. I am approaching a multidimensional concept with a 3rd dimensional form of thought. You don’t have to adopt this language to understand what I mean, and I’ll explain with an example. I’m sure you’ve seen on the news at least once in your life some fellow who had committed a crime earlier in this life. Obviously having remorse, he reinvented himself and led a good life. Perhaps a life of love, kindness, and service. But then one day they figure out that he committed the crime,and they arrest him and try him for the crime.

Many times in these situations people feel strongly that this person has made amends, and that they have shown their character via the type of life that they went on to live. They are upset that the law will hold him accountable. I can’t give you examples but I know I have seen this happen many times on the national news over my lifetime.

To reframe my concepts, we are talking about a lower vibrational form of thought versus a higher vibrational from of thought. The lower vibrational form (3d, etc.) is informed and perpetuated by fear, anger, and lack of empathy. It is not inherently wrong and was put in place for a reason. But the higher vibrational form of thought is informed by love and kindness. It recognizes who this man is now, and that he has made amends. It not only has compassion, it has empathy.

So apply this to yourself. How many times do you speak negatively to yourself every day? “Geez I look fat.” ” I knew better, why did I do that?” “Way to go Nicole, that was stupid.” The list goes on and it goes on all day, every day for most of us. We say things to ourselves that we would never say to someone else.

I first said to myself, for months, that I knew better than to speak so harshly, or to act the way that I did, and I recognized when I had been selfish and in ego or jealousy. After I had a breakthrough and realized that I had grown and would never do/say those things now, I moved on to “I said this to my daughter. I am a horrible person and must have hurt her feelings. I am accountable for this and cannot undo it.”

But if I were speaking to you, I would hug you and tell you that just the fact that you have grown enough to notice that you needed to change is huge. That it means you are on the right path. And that you are not the person you were then, and that you never meant to be hurtful in the first place and you just didn’t have the tools or understanding to be different then. I would also remind you that you being the best you can be every day is enough, and that I love you.

I do not say these things to myself. I have softened my heart to many who I previously thought were mean or unkind when I saw the change in them, but I don’t  do that for me. When I saw my mother in dream time, and saw the change in her, my feelings towards her were completely healed. Yet I do not recognize that when I turn inward. Does that sound familiar to you? I suspect for many that it does.

It is not a bad thing to hold yourself accountable and responsible. In fact it is imperative. But continual punishment is not productive or healthy. It also isn’t helpful to break old patterns and formation of new, positive ones.

I am still not sure how to make that jump from old school thought to where I think I’m going with this, but I know I have to get there somehow. At least now I can start to let go and move to another leg of this journey. I love you all <3

#missingerin

Jan 10

Musings for 1/10/2018

This morning I managed to get the gum off of my floor mat (for anyone following that! ha ha). I haven’t stepped in gum in ages, and still don’t know exactly when I did it because it wasn’t on any of my shoes! But it got onto my car floor mat, and someone suggested Goo Gone, which I had in the garage. It worked like a charm. I’m also told that ice and peanut butter work also.

I was wondering why in the world I was telling you that, and realized that my first thought when I opened the window to type is that things are becoming UNSTUCK. I got a big nudge for that last night and am not ready to talk about what that was yet, but I got the message.

While my personal “movement” is unique to me, I find that most of us who are in the flow (or not) experience the same types either flow or root issues, again unique to our experience. If you pay attention you will see evidence of that in your own life. The key is to recognize what is going on with you and not go through your days unconscious. I mean, be present and aware of your feelings, thoughts, and what is happening around you. That’s how you begin to change things. You first become aware, then you can work on reacting and acting differently when they arise as well as working with your personal feelings.

Last night we attended a local Meetup group called Kadampa Meditation and Study. We went mostly for the meditation, but were pleased with the study (which was Buddhist based). The study topic (in a nutshell) was to set the intention, in all of your daily activities, to be the best that you can be so that you can benefit and benefit others. I paraphrased that, but you get the picture, and it’s a fabulous message. Think if you set that intention, to cook the best meal that you could to nourish yourself and your family! What a glorious and love filled meal you would cook! By the way, the link I included above goes to their Meetup group and they have two local sessions per week with different teachers on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Half way through writing this, I got a call from a cherished friend and fellow seeker. It was a purposeful call, and she gave me what I needed to change my mindset and stop beating myself up. Easier said than done right? Yes, but half the battle is changing my perception and that is well on its way. Whew – on to whatever is next I hope!

At the funeral service yesterday, one of the people who spoke said that the best that we can do is to put an emphasis on living a quality life until we see our friend again. Or our child, our parent, our brother, etc. That is my intention and I wish for it to benefit all of you also.

Love, peace, and blessings <3 #missingerin

 

Jan 09

Musings for 1/9/2018

Today I attended the second funeral in less than a week down at Spry Funeral Home on North Parkway. I actually meant to post about the first one last week, so let me say a short bit about that. A dear friend’s mother died, someone who was like a second mother to me in high school. She lost her father and mother within 9 months, and my heart aches for her. On the up side, she has a loving family to get her through it and I’m grateful for that.

The funeral I attended today was for a former colleague. He started on the program I used to support a few months after I did way back in 2004. Such a nice guy, and he left behind a wife and three children. He was only 45. I know I did not expect him to die.

Seeing their grief opened up my own wounds. I don’t know if the tears I shed today were for them or for me, but I feel so sorry for them knowing what is ahead. Still, I think it’s easier when it’s your parent and not your child, or your husband and not your child. You can’t replace spouses and parents, but others can step in and eventually fill the roles. I have a void that cannot be filled and it slowly kills me.

You know I say that but I also know that I am resilient and a survivor, so it will not kill me. It also will not make me stronger. Just more miserable due to length of time.

And by the way, those things I said above are from my own experience. I was 4 when my father died of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease). My mother was 32 and she started dating again 3 years later. I know that she missed my dad but she remarried twice after that and so, she filled her void. Not everyone will but I still suspect that it’s not as debilitating as losing your child. And then, I hate to compare grief. Grief absolutely sucks no matter who or what you are grieving. Perhaps it’s the degree of heart shattering that is the deciding factor in how deeply you grieve? I have no idea, and I have not yet found anyone who knows. So-called experts just call it “complicated grief” because they don’t know what to do with it. I don’t fault them…and yes, it’s very complicated.

Two night ago after a few days of very deep depression, Erin visited me in my dream state. I was so happy to see her and was telling her that, then I had the presence of mind to apologize. I said I am so sorry for everything, and for anything unkind, and before I could finish she said “Stop saying that.” The dream didn’t end there but it was the most impactful part of our interaction. I apologize to her and feel deep remorse on a daily basis. It’s not productive and it’s harmful to my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical health. And it’s not something I can carry forward into our relationship when we are together again.

I feel shame when I experience and hear the unkind words that I said once, or remember the unkind deed. People really have no idea how their actions affect others. I know that I am experiencing those words and actions as the recipient in my PTSD moments, and I feel the depth of their violence. If I told you about some of the most often recurring ones, you’d say “Oh, that isn’t terrible.” Or something. But they were, and are.

I know that if I was then who I am now, I would not say those things. I would not do those things. I would welcome Erin into my bed when she woke up every night for whatever reason, and I would not complain loudly when she kept me up. I would not yell at her over homework. I would have done more fun things with her, things she wanted to do. I can blame it on life getting in the way but if I am truthful, it was me and no one else but me. And now I have to live with it, and worse, know what it feels like.

The beauty here is that if I had not come to an energetic space where I feel a deeper level of unconditional love, the Christ consciousness, then I would not feel this at all. So it’s wonderful that I can feel it. It’s wonderful that I feel that type of love for, well, everyone and everything. It’s something I hope to pass on like a virus to everyone else. It’s wonderful that I have developed a deeper sense of empathy, and that I know what consequences my words and actions have on others. But Erin is not here to be with this now version of Me.

But I got her message. In the dream I said ok, and we moved on to other things as we walked to find Dad (Shaun). The next day I pondered it to ensure I got the right idea and I knew I had, and so I told her that I would work on this, but that when I do see her again, I will apologize in person one last time and then I’ll be done with it. It’s important to me to say the words. I don’t need forgiveness. I just need to make amends.

I know I wasn’t a bad person before, but I lacked some degree of empathy and compassion, and understanding. I am grateful to the previous Me for allowing growth and for continuing the growth after our heart was broken. And I am going to try to make amends with my Self. I am not yet sure how to do that or to move forward in a positive way.

Love and blessings, and #missingerin <3

Dec 31

Adios 2017

2017 hasn’t been a great year has it? There have been a lot of trials and tribulations. I suspect that some of that valuable lesson-type material will continue into 2018, but it feels lighter already. I won’t be sad to see 2017 go.

Many of us have been stuck and by stuck, I just mean whatever we are experiencing is stagnant. Many that I know are stuck in stagnant jobs that we no longer enjoy or that are no longer fulfilling, but there aren’t any options that are “better” out there for us to move to. I would say that many are stuck in stagnant relationships, but I’ve seen many of those end. Those that didn’t end have faced revamps that could have ended them too but didn’t. I had quit doing readings years ago, and decided this year to start doing them again. But guess what? I don’t have any clients lol! I’m not saying that as a complaint. It’s a personal acknowledgement about being stagnant in some area. You want to move forward but just can’t for whatever reason. Maybe it’s not divine timing yet.

The messages that myself and others have been getting, loud and clear, is that we need to stop fence sitting and make a decision. That’s a broad, vague thing I know, but it really applies to everything. Tired of people having a lack of empathy? Be kind. And stop staying quiet when you see someone being mistreated. That’s just one example. I suppose taking action in your relationship, career, etc. would fit the same model. Be the change you want to see. But don’t allow nonsense to continue either.

I just wrote about being authentic and have been examining that in a huge way. I was surprised by the huge amount of fear that I felt over “exposing myself.” Like I haven’t previously been exposed! And me, I’m the one you can’t blackmail anyway. I would tell something on myself before I’d let you hold it over me. This is an old, deep fear. I think it came up after reading Witch by Lisa Lister. She talked about the fear that women carry as a collective due to so many of us being burned at the stake for hundreds of years. That was in retaliation for disobeying the patriarchy and such, and for standing in our power. And that is a hugely simplified synopsis but my post here isn’t about that book, just what I am feeling. And what I’m feeling is surprise, and embarrassment, and a whole lot of stuff in regards to being authentically me (and all that it means to be so). It’s leaving me scratching my head and internally screaming WTF, but at the same time I know I have to feel it and follow it to wherever it’s going. I’m safe and it’s ok to revisit this…again.

By the way, if you don’t know Lisa Lister‘s work, I highly recommend. She’s the best sort of feminist out there and I absolutely love her. She made me think about what it means to be female, and that’s a big thing after a lifetime of celebrating my more masculine traits in the old “man’s world.”

On that note, I think 2018 is the year that we walk as equals, celebrating the divine masculine and feminine. We are taking our place in a different way in this world and thus changing it. In 2017 I realized how much women tear each other down rather than build each other up. As women, we take all sorts of abuse, chalk it up as life, then suck it up and keep going. But it’s time that we acknowledge that this isn’t a workable paradigm. In fact, the entire Power Over paradigm is coming to a close. You can see it chipping away in larger and larger chunks every time the shell cracks. The #MeToo movement was huge this year, and so was the recent senate election here in Alabama. This isn’t about male/female, politics or political parties. It’s about humans and how we are and how we treat each other. It’s about kindness and love, empathy and compassion. Kindness and love, empathy and compassion. Rinse and repeat until you get it, then pass it on.

My flow is gone but I want to take a minute to remind everyone that tomorrow is Shaun’s birthday. Feel free to wish him a Happy 47th if he’s on your FaceBook or  you have his phone number, or here of course. Many of you know that we no longer celebrate them, but maybe it might be uplifting for him to know people care. I know it lifts me up – YOU lift me up by caring. Thank you for that.

Still #missingerin and so many others. I am really missing my Aunt Shirley right now, and so want to include her in my closing thoughts. I know she’s hovering around here because I keep feeling her so strongly.

Blessings and love to you <3

 

Dec 28

Musings for 12/28/2017

I’ve actually been musing for several days. So here goes…

I hope that you all had a lovely holiday with your family. I am very adamant about saying holiday as I don’t know what you specifically celebrate. My former celebrations were quite eclectic as time went on and in all honesty, Christmas was always about Santa than anything else anyway. My point is I would rather include all of you in my well-wishes and I wish that others felt the same. I have said before that the idea of political correctness seems to be an attempt to just get people to act nicely to one another. If there wasn’t a need to bring to our attention that we were being assholes, it never would have arisen. But I’ve digressed because I could care less about being politically correct. I just try to be nice.

I have no idea why I just told you that. It wasn’t planned.

Shaun and I are going through some individual and joint changes so to speak. It’s interesting to note that historically, he has focused on the body (physical fitness/health) while I have focused on the mental and emotional bodies (mind/spirit). We are both being shown the importance of nurturing and nourishing the triad and how one affects all three. I am excited that we not only saw the “messages” coming forth, but both decided to act on them. This may be the first time in my life that my partner (any of them) and I were on the same sort of path. I am excited about supporting him and about having his support.

I also have no idea why I told you that either. LOL It must be a trend.

I met up with an old friend on Tuesday. I haven’t seen her in 5 years. The last time we were supposed to meet, I stood her up for lunch and never provided her an explanation why. It was the year my mother had to move in with us. It was stressful, and as you know our whole lives descended into shit after that for multiple reasons. I finally emailed her earlier this year to apologize and give her a brief synopsis of what was going on, and we finally got together.

My friend and I are not very close but we have a bond in that we met each other years ago and at the time, were one of a few on the same type of spiritual path. I actually met her at a New Life Expo that I attended with a former mentor in Ft. Lauderdale, FL and then knew her online after that. I also knew her husband online before he was her husband, and then his job brought them to Huntsville. We tried to get together but it was around the time my mother’s last husband died, and she lived with us for awhile and was, as you know, an alcoholic. So we didn’t get to hang out much. Probably my fault – I was embarrass to a great degree and it was also stressful.

I have no idea why that is important but it seemed relevant to my story so there you have it. It was so refreshing to just talk about whatever came to mind, and know she would understand what I mean with no judgment. She mentioned something similar. Most of us non-traditional folk would just like for you to suspend judgment and consider that maybe you don’t know all there is to know about (insert subject here). That’s not meant in anger. It’s just a fact of life that we live on a daily basis due to having non-mainstream beliefs and ideas.

So we talked for over 2 hours and she asked me some questions about my experiences the past few years that no one else has asked. I appreciated that and it was also interesting to me to ponder those and try to provide an answer. I had teary eyes at times but it was a very comfortable experience.

Now I’m giving you my perspective from a few days of pondering this. That night, I had a dream and I had replaced my face with a hard plastic, purple mask. The mask looked just like my fact TO YOU. But I saw what it really looked and felt like. And when I realized that I had done this, and done it willingly, I was horrified! The rest of the short dream was spent agonizing over how to restore my true face, recreate it, or whatever.

I had no idea what the F when I woke up, but I realized that my subconscious was telling me to stop being two people. It’s time to stop “replacing my face” to make other people comfortable, because I don’t want to be ridiculed, etc. I think there is probably more to it, but at least I got the main message. Since I did not realize that I was still inauthentic, I am not sure how to go about making the right changes but I guess it starts with just being me. I’m tired of worrying if I will offend you, if you will judge me, etc. And I had no idea what a burden it was.

Please keep in mind that when I am saying that I worry if I will offend you and plan to stop, I do not mean in any way that I plan to be offensive in my words or deeds, or treat you badly. What I mean is that I need to be ok with being honest with things like telling people I am not religious or a Christian, which is hard in the geographical area that I live. Even writing that was hard – are you judging me? Some of you probably are. I am not telling you what to be – that’s your decision and business and I bless you on your journey. But if I’m being honest I am going to be wondering who no longer likes me due to my personal beliefs that I just voiced.

And with that fear, my flow is gone. So I guess it’s time to end. See what fear does? It’s ugly and I’m disappointed in myself but it’s a great learning experience that I need to go process.

I love you and wish you many blessings. #missingerin <3

Dec 22

Musings for 12/22/2017

I have had a lot of grief this week. It’s fresh, just like I picked it up from the store yesterday. Of course I do a lot of inner pondering and such, and one of the topics that I mulled over was living in the now. That’s a big thing you know. I actually enjoyed the book The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle, and have read many things about living in the now vs the past or future. Not that they have not made sense, but they are clearly missing something because they all indicate that things are better if you live in the now. My now isn’t so rosy.

In fact, I realized that right now I am yearning for Erin. So I sometimes do go to the future, when I can be with her again. Or to the past, reliving happy and not so happy moments, and I am miserable about both things done and things that can’t be undone. The now is better than that I suppose, but it still sucks ass. By the way, the future doesn’t bring me any respite either. I can’t control how that turns out, or when it turns out. I will agree that the now is better, but not great. Why can’t anyone provide good advice for missing someone you love that deeply? I’m telling you they can’t, so please no well-meaning advice. I’ve read it all. All of the tenets about attitude and changing your perceptions thus changing your reality blah blah – doesn’t apply here.

Right now I’m thinking back to a comment I got at Erin’s service…a question really…are you having more children? As if that will fix things. UGH.

I honestly cannot think about anyone else that I may even remotely miss right now. It’s too much. The holidays are too much. I want to tell Shaun how absofuckinglutely miserable I am, but I know he is miserable too and I hate to dump that on him. So I tell you. Thanks for listening. I have to get it out here so I don’t ugly cry out in public. I’m on the verge of that again. Been crying in the car for the past week. That’s not great and I hate arriving somewhere with a red puffy face. So I hold it in, which also isn’t great. It ends up spilling over.

I miss Erin right now. And while I assume that I will write again before year end, I may not. I haven’t had it in me until right now.

Please, consider choosing love over everything else in all of your words and deeds. I am haunted by moments where I was unkind and unloving. I’ve told you that before, but yes, 3+ years later I am still in pain over them and I will continue to be.

Please, consider that when you judge someone, you are not being loving. Your words hurt, and your hard heart hurts not only others but you too.

Please put living beings ahead of financial fears and gains. I promise you that life is what matters. Love is what matters. And you really cannot take money with you. But you can take love across all of eternity.

Please remember that you have no idea what someone else is going through, or what makes them say and do the things that they do. Kindness and love from you can turn their day around.

Lastly, please remember that just like hate, Love is contagious. It’s like a virus and you can and should give it to others. It spreads and it’s the anecdote to what ails us. Without love, I would not be here now. It’s a terrible irony but it’s true nonetheless. Without YOUR love.

Blessings from Shaun and I to you, and much love. And always #missingerin <3

Dec 10

Tribute to my Aunt, Shirley Dempsey Stephens

My beloved aunt Shirley shed her body on the evening of December 6, 2017. She died after a short bout of lung cancer that spread to her brain, and complications from her existing COPD. Her decline was fast, and I am thankful for that, having seen people linger – and suffer.

Aunt Shirley was my “cool aunt” from a young age. She was an astrologer and she lived in NYC. She lived on the one side of the George Washington Bridge in a huge apartment building for many years with her only child, my cousin Kim. I always enjoyed her stories. Back then I was less interested in the earlier part of her life and more interested in which rock stars she partied with. I knew she had been to Woodstock, and still loved good rock bands. She told me how her neighbor was Frankie Valli and that he wasn’t very friendly, and how her friend had dated Geraldo Rivera who was a complete ass. She talked to me on a level I could understand about astrology and the esoteric. And she always treated me – and everyone else – like we were the most important people in the world. She never talked down to me because I was a child, and thus I was always glad to get a few moments to speak with her when she visited.

But Aunt Shirley’s early life was just as interesting, and I am fortunate to have gotten more of a snapshot of that in the past few years. She left home (in Mississippi) to be a stewardess for Eastern Airlines in the late 50’s. She told me how they served 5 course meals to the entire plane, how she had to fold up newspapers for each passenger, and how if they deviated even one bit from the dress code (which was quite formal then), they would be reprimanded.

And ladies, she told me about one of her early flights when as she was folding newspapers the pilot came up behind her and grabbed both boobs. Her reflex was to turn around and slap the shit out of him with her newspaper. He had her removed from the flight and it was lucky she wasn’t fired. Yes, that was acceptable back then, but she reacted beautifully didn’t she?

Later she married her first and only husband, Bill Stephens, who was a pilot for Eastern. Their marriage did not last but they remained friends and I got to meet him as an adult before he died. I like that they had remained friends even though the romantic part of their relationship was no longer there. She even took his dog Izzy when he died (which ironically had been his previous wife’s dog, who had also died). Poor Izzy is missing a lot of people at this point.

Sometime in the early 60’s she was recommended to the Kennedy family to be the stewardess on their plane, The Caroline. She said she got a call one evening, was immediately subjected to an FBI investigation, and reported the next morning. She was The Caroline’s stewardess until a few months before Kim was born, and ironically about 6 months before JFK was assassinated. She told me once that Jackie was very nice, that Joan was the nicest of all and gave her a pair of sunglasses. She really thought a lot of both JFK and Robert, but said that JFK did not talk very much so she didn’t know him well. In her later years, she was contacted several times to provide interviews but declined them all. She said she had nothing negative to say about that family and assumed that anything she did say might be twisted.

She told me on one visit about how she felt that JFK and Robert both really wanted to do right by the people. I got to hear the story about when Mississippi was integrated, and Bobby had intended to go down to the capitol to oversee things due to the volatile nature of the day. He gathered the crew together and told them that they could decline because it would be dangerous. But she said to me “I told them that The Caroline was my plane and where she goes, I go.” They never go to to, though, due to death threats against Robert.

We also had a love of intellectual things in common. Aunt Shirley was an expert Words with Friends player, and this fall she taught me how to be a better player. In fact, during one visit, she made me try every available letter and space to get the most possible points! She also taught me how to play defensively, and really enjoyed a good challenge. I already miss her on my WwF game board.

On my last visit, she insisted on giving me some things. Oddly, the one thing I forgot is what comes to mind because I find it funny in a way that is unique to me. She pointed to her book shelf and said “Do you see that metal thing?” Me: Yes Her: Do you know what it is? Me: (studied it a second) The Loch Ness Monster? Her: Yes! Me: (Laughing) How many people give you the correct answer? Her: Not many.

I really could go on and on, but the bottom line was that Aunt Shirley was always a delight, and always made it a point to be cordial and kind to everyone around her. She was still a New Yorker at heart, but mixed with some southern hospitality. I wasn’t able to be there on Tuesday, but even from a hospital bed, she requested one last party. She had her son-in-law get his best bottle of wine and she drank several glasses while some nice people played and sang for her, and friends and family filtered through saying their goodbyes. I hear she even spoke more than once to her former beau who still lives in NYC. They also remained friends, and both said their goodbyes. She was totally lucid then but after she went to sleep that night, she slipped into a coma and then into her next adventure around 8pm the next day.

I didn’t think I had tears left, as I have not truly grieved anyone but Erin. But I have cried for missing her several times already. But I know I’m not the only one who is #MissingShirley .

I love you Aunt Shirley and miss you so much, and I will until we see each other again <3

Dec 05

Musings for 12/5/2017

Today I bring tidings of good cheer. LOL I don’t know where I get this stuff…it just pops into my mind and rolls off of my fingertips here. But truly, I had such a lovely experience today with my Uber drivers to Goddard and back that I want to share.

My first Uber driver was from Congo. I found it interesting that he said simply Congo, but it made sense later when he told me about colonization by Belgium and France, and how one took one side of the river and the other got the other side. His wife is from the other side. He said thank goodness that both countries are French speaking!

It was clear that he was homesick but he talked about how those with a lot of money and power (corporations and other countries too) are using all of the Congo natural resources, and then to buy normal products was very expensive there. He also wondered how if money is gold-backed, then why is his currency (Congo) less than a US dollar when Congo has plenty of gold. Very good questions!

I also found it refreshing that he said he would like to see a “world village” – he had to translate the term he was using from French. What he meant was that everyone could travel anywhere they wanted, but be treated fairly and have enough resources to enjoy life in their homeland.

The driver on my way back was from Ethiopia. Such a nice fellow. He and I talked about snow, but when he heard I was from Alabama he asked if I was going to vote for Roy Moore. Hehe! I said no, and then we talked about sexual assault and all of the allegations that are coming out, etc. The gist of his thoughts were that we are a world leader, but are not providing a lot of leadership and a good example (I agree). He said how 3rd world countries are looking to us for the example to follow. He lamented that in his home country (Ethiopia) girls do not get to choose who they marry. And the men, well, they decide who they want and can force them into marriage. If the girl refuses, they can physically beat them into submission. My driver wasn’t down with this, thankfully, but it emphasized why he really wanted the US to provide a good example to the rest of the world. And he misses home.

I thanked both of them for sharing their experiences and their home counties with me before getting out of the car. It reminded me of why I love meeting people from other places and cultures. The US is not a bad place to live by far, but we are not the only culture in the world worth enjoying and we are not the only country with good, decent people. I got a nice glimpse of that today.

Something else that was clear…these men did not miss their governments. They missed home – the land and the people. There was a clear love there, and something that is probably missing from our capital here in Washington, D.C. Does anyone here love the land? The people? The different cultures around the country? I suspect most do not, based on the types of laws they are passing.

And oddly I guess it points me back to Mamma Earth once again. I have been asking how I can be more of service to her after all. You know, we live on her and we take, take, take and desecrate and decimate the land, water, and air. I’m not exempt from that, but I want to be. I want to heal our planet and our peoples and give back.

That’s all for today. If you are following, Aunt Shirley is still with us but very ill. Her spirits are spectacular as always, though. She’s special that way.

Blessings and #missingerin <3