It took everything to just write this sentence. Those of you who know me know that I am never, or rarely, at a loss for words. I have so much bottled up inside that I can’t even begin to express it. There are moments of insight, gratitude, clarity and the need to share that with you so that you can perhaps gain the same. But most of the time it’s just a living hell that I prefer to keep inside. Being broken is exhausting.

Before any of you tell me I am not broken, I am. There are two predominant world views in our world. One is that there is a god figure who exercises his will over everyone incarnate here. The other is that we co-created this journey before we incarnated to learn valuable lessons. I guess you can throw karma into that mix, but either way, this existence is hellish even for the most privileged of us. And it has broken me. Last night, I cried out with my inner voice intuitively that I am in over my head. I was surprised to hear that, but knew it was true. I don’t even know anymore who I am talking to. Or if anyone is listening. It’s as if I’ve been abandoned.

I suppose you can also say it’s darkest before the dawn. Dark night of the soul. Blah blah so on and so forth. My night keeps getting darker. You would think in year 5 that it would be somewhat better but it’s definitely worse. I keep it inside so that you don’t have to make nice about it when you’re really just uncomfortable or bummed. Also, I’m tired of hearing it from myself. I’m so tired of feeling literally the shittiest that I can feel during every waking moment. It’s exhausting.

I’m also at the point that any commitment that I make beyond my daily work life generates a panic attack. It doesn’t matter if it’s something that might be fun. Once I say yes, it then becomes a burden, and since I don’t want to disappoint anyone I perpetually stress over it. I just let go of Noom, which is an app that helps you manage weight loss. It was actually a decent app, but I had to pay for the service, and I was assigned a coach. That was too stressful. I need to just be left alone. I also formally bowed out of being a block captain in my neighborhood. The idea of being required to go to a meeting, or have to plan an activity, was too much. I just can’t.

Work is very busy but I don’t mind the stress. I’m fairly good at my job and enjoy it, and it has nothing to do with family or children or grief so I’m in another world there. Same with playing video games. When I’m doing Destiny 2, I’m not me for the duration. I’m shooting aliens or some asshole guardian in another activity. It’s a pleasant escape. Television has become less of an escape. I honestly cannot deal with the cancer commercials, the Humira commercials (long story), or a lot of the content. I seriously do not need someone else’s sad story, or anything that will generate crying or stress. I have plenty of that.

Why am I telling you this? I have no idea but it’s flowing out like I turned on a faucet so I guess I needed to express it. I keep saying that this is not right. THIS – this grief. No one should have to grieve, to be separated, and I don’t accept that death is part of life and that we have to chase a dangling carrot for eternal life. That’s utter bullshit and while I can’t prove it to you, I’m telling you that this dream we live is some sort of prison. It’s a prison that we are supposed to figure out how to make the best of. But why? I have no idea, but I keep expecting to find the key to the elusive doorway or perhaps the off button. And I fully expect to wake up to a room full of loved ones who ask what took me so long.

But the time is killing me, both literally and figuratively. It’s been something like 1600 days since I’ve seen Erin or heard her voice. No, I do not watch the few videos that I have of her, and I don’t look at pictures (very rarely). It’s too painful and there is no way that you would be able to understand that. I cried so much the first two years that my tears burned my eyes. I found out that’s a real medical thing and met another poor lady who had the same issue. They still burn on occasion. Who knew I could cry daily for this long? Again, it’s exhausting.

I’ve been wondering what I could do here to get back to teaching, to writing articles on metaphysical topics, to contributing positively to other lives. I have no idea though. I heard someone on YouTube say yesterday to focus on the things you can do something about and positively contribute to. Otherwise let it go. I can’t even positively contribute to grieving people unless it’s by telling the truth. The truth is, you will never feel better. You will never stop grieving. It’s a living hell, and you learn to live with it somehow. The best you can hope for is to be able to add value to someone else’s life because yours is over.

It’s not that I don’t feel joy, or laugh. I do, but even then my next thought is who isn’t there to share it with me. I am sure I’m boring you, I’ve said these things before. The only difference is that I’m not crying this time as I write them. I’m becoming a master at stuffing it and that’s not healthy but it’s survival.

And just like that, the flow is over. I started Blue Star Services (the former name) so many years ago for a reason and it was to provide services to others. Service to Others. And I haven’t forgotten that. In fact, it’s been on my mind lately. Maybe that means that I will get back to business (pun intended) soon.

Peace, blessings, and please be kind to others <3 And #missingerin <3

You have to look really close, and maybe you still won’t see it, but there is a message in that “box” of sorts in the middle. I was in the shower on Wednesday morning and finished up. As I grabbed my towel, I had one of those 2 second lightening rounds of thoughts. The “box” has as clear as day, the letters EA inside of it. The E was clear but the A was crystal clear. EA? EA games? Other things I can’t remember. Then ah, Erin Alyssa.

I go through ebbs and flows, and I’ve really been in an ebb. It hurts. Still. And no, I’m not going to get over it. But she showed up right on time and gave me a message. She is still with us.

I am deeply grateful for this message and the others I receive. I saw her many times in dream state during the season of Samhain, or what we modern folks call Halloween. In one of those instances I know I wasn’t supposed to be wherever it was because she was surprised. I felt her coming up behind me and turned to greet her. She said how did you know? I told her I will always know. She was surprised I was even there. I had found my way to wherever she is and I wasn’t supposed to be there yet.

As I look around this year at the seemingly happy families, I realize that they have no idea what they have. I know this because I did not. They are thankful, but perhaps only for generic things. Family, food on their plates, insert your go-to here.

So I’m going to challenge you all to dive deeper. If you have to, imagine in full living color what it’s like to lose those that you love. And then feel the gratitude when you realize that it was all just your imagination. Use the experience to change your life and by doing so, changing the lives of others. In a world where we have become very unkind as a species in general, softening yourself to love and kindness has reverberations all over the world.

If you need help getting there, I recommend Matt Kahn. He thinks Love is the only answer, and so do I.

Love, blessings, and #missingerin <3

The last time I posted I was somewhat confused. A lot has happened since then both inside and out, and I’m having a period of clarity.

This journey started many years ago, and then I was fearless. I may not have been mature, or clear, but I was fearless. I learned to harness my intuitive skills, started looking within, and that’s when things changed. I was a technical writer in what should have been the best opportunity to date in my career, yet I was experiencing not only the feeling that I was in over my head, but also scathing verbal encounters with colleagues. By scathing, I mean unsolicited criticism. Not a huge boost for confidence! I was also doing intuitive readings for people and had a moderately good clientele going, but then I began second guessing myself to the point that not only did business dry up, I secretly hated being asked to “perform.”

Do you ever wonder why you don’t see the breadcrumb trail until way late in the game? I do, but it’s my experience that it’s normal. I wouldn’t mind it if revelations didn’t take 20 years, though.

I never did want to be a tech writer again, although I did continue to write articles for awhile. It was just so hard to put out a clear train of thought. I would see friends asking what i was up to and couldn’t even coherently tell them that. I’m just illustrating how deep this went and some of you may recognize the pattern in your own life. I wasn’t even able to articulate my feelings to my own daughter or husband. I would get bound up in minutia, or never say it at all.

Other things over the years should have tipped me off. An ex boyfriend who told me that no one wanted to hear what I had to say, that it was all stupid. Feeling like I was never heard or understood. Didn’t know how to speak up to get my needs met other than yelling. Frequent scratchy and sore throat after speaking a lot, causing my voice to not come through clearly. Being afraid that my spiritual path will negatively affect my career. These are classic throat chakra issues, and mine was not in great shape for some reason.

Whether you are spiritually aware or not, you have to consider both body and mind. Mentally I understood on some level (at times) what was going on, but I have stuff embedded in my subconscious that I can’t seem to shake. I don’t “buy into” most of it anymore, but yet when I have to speak up at work I get a scratchy throat and feel unheard unless I’m being a raging bitch. I don’t like the look and feel of my nice emails, or my forceful ones. It keeps me in a perpetual WTF state of being.

I didn’t even want to write here today. What value am I bringing? Am I just complaining? Who is reading? UGH!

Oh, and my friend that disagreed with me…we can disagree. Why did it bother me? Why was I afraid to say that our pathways had diverged some time ago? I don’t even believe it was a goodbye. I think we will converge again soon.

Now that I can see the origin point (from this life at least), or close to it, I hope I am on the track to resolution.  More to come when I figure it out.

By the way, we raised around $10K in this year’s Go for the Gold. Thank you to everyone who supported and donated. Financial support is little consolation when your child has a serious illness, but at the same time it means more than you can imagine to the families. <3

I just read a post somewhere unnamed, that may have been directed at me, regardless being preoccupied with life and coming and posting only ever 30 days or so. It stung. It’s true that I am preoccupied and that I am not present for anyone or anything except that which directly affects my day to day existence. I think about posting here often. I think about that other forum often. I think about friends and family often. What I don’t do is interact.

I think what bothered me is the same thing that bothers me about the world. Folks just don’t know what someone else is going through and what drives their actions. It is physically painful for me to interact some days, and then when I do reach out, I get negative feedback even if indirectly. (See how writing helps? I’ve got insight now.)

This isn’t about the person writing. It’s about me putting energy into other people’s reactions when I’m doing the best that they can and I’m doing the best that I can. It’s about me putting too much into what someone else thinks about my thoughts, feelings, and ideas (even if I do deeply care about the person, it’s too much energy). The interesting thing is that I already went through this thought process about Shaun a few days ago (no he doesn’t know – this is inner work).

Remember I share to help me and to help you. See how this process works? You become aware of patterns. “This always happens – why?” Then you examine your thoughts and feelings. And reactions if you have already reacted. Perhaps your actions if you set it in motion. Now that I’ve done that, I need to figure out how to break this pattern.

My first inclination was to do an about face and try to regain the favor of the person who wrote the forum post. Assuming I’ve lost the favor – well my body and mind are AFRAID that I’ve lost their favor. My heart is telling me there is another way, but right now it’s losing the argument. But I’ve about faced my entire life right? Where did it get me other than additional same experiences? That’s where it got me. Doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results is normal. That’s why you look for a different way – a better way.

So instead, I wrote a very short reply to the first post I had made clarifying my original intent. I had to keep it short…I spoke from the heart and didn’t need to defend myself. But still I want to. When I figure this odyssey out I will let everyone know the golden nuggets from the other side.

What have I wanted to tell you though recently? I’ve wanted to tell you to please come and support Go for the Gold in honor of Erin and Sam Harmon. I’ve wanted to tell you – even though you’ve heard it for 4 years now – how much goddamn pain I’m in every single day. I’ve been holding that in but it has to come out some time, so I cry on the way home from work instead. And in the bathroom. And anytime otherwise that I’m alone.

I’ve wanted to tell you about some wonderful spiritual paths and books that I’ve managed to come across that have brought me fulfillment and peace. Some degree of peace anyway. It’s a journey, and it’s work to get there. That’s for you too…no quick fixes, no saviors. We are here to find a way to save ourselves. Even if you are a religious person this is true. Jesus taught folks how to fish and his life was a teachable moment. The example was left to us and the pathway is through unconditional love. Easier said than done though. <3

I’m still missing Erin. I’m not getting over it and I’m not moving on with my life. I just carry it the best way that I know how daily and that’s all that I can do.

Blessings and love to you <3

#missingerin

I still struggle to share and write, and realize that I am doing as much turning away as I am leaning in. Aren’t we all just struggling to survive most days? I guess that’s the glass half empty viewpoint. I could also say how much wonderfulness there is in the world. It’s always a double-edged sword.

After I wrote the last time I’ve done some pondering and gotten several opinions from friends on a spiritual path about my current tale of woe. The signs are clear – I just didn’t want to accept them. Our foundations are not yet ready (to build upon).

They started out damp, as if they were not yet firm enough to begin. Of course we pushed…I’m on a schedule here right? Wrong. The universe works in its own time. Our driveway (that saga continues) was apparently treated with an accelerator which caused it to crack because it hardened too soon and could not let that moisture out. I suppose this is a clue of what not to do right?

In “real life,” had we been more flexible it would have resulted in certain continued upheaval and definitely more money (storage for furniture, moving it twice, rent, etc.).  The real life result is that it resulted in continued upheaval and more money spent to fix the problems. Don’t you love the irony?

I do love irony, but it sucks when I’m the one it bites in the ass. On a more positive note, I understand where things are going and don’t feel so out of control.

Many of you might remember, but in two days it’s the 4th anniversary of when Erin’s body died. That horrible saga started months before, and the most horrible period started in mid-July. It basically ruins July and August of every stinking year, and Shaun and I both buckle under the stress. I know that how we navigate through the next few days and few weeks even will help us to lay down a new foundation.

I say this a lot, but I share in part to process my own stuff, and in part in hopes that my experiences will help someone else. It’s hard, damn hard, to see your own shit when you are in the middle of it. This stuff (foundations, etc.) is textbook and yet I couldn’t or wouldn’t see it. I really didn’t break out of being stuck until someone told me last week that this is my chance to lay new foundations and build a “house” that is perfect for me.

Please remember Erin this week by opening your heart to kindness towards others. That includes all living things. Your story is not anyone else’s story and so you can’t possibly understand their situation. You can be kind and maybe change their life.

#missingerin and many blessings <3

I know, it’s been a long time since I’ve written. I became very depressed after I moved. I may have said that last time. And then I felt like all I was doing was whining, so everything I wanted to share, I just didn’t.

There is a value in not spewing your story constantly. It keeps you wrapped up in it, reinforcing it, but it can also be healing to speak it. I guess somewhere along the line I felt like I had crossed over to the negative side of things and had to take a break.

It hasn’t been smooth sailing since I moved. I thought it would. Why would I think that? I don’t know honestly. I thought when we hit 2014 it would be smooth sailing, and it was the worst year of my life. This is my bad time of year by the way. I just reposted a picture from Erin’s last hospital visit, 4 years ago. We had no idea. It was supposed to be the visit that they figured out what was wrong with her and fixed it. We had done 6+ months of discovery with no answers. We still don’t really have any, as even the autopsy was inconclusive.

I know I just went to a place you don’t want to go, but while writing I was illuminated as to why. I knew the moment I saw the lump on her collarbone it was lymphoma. Then I let multiple doctors and my own fear of hearing it tell me otherwise. Even the autopsy said it was there but wasn’t really clear as to whether she had it all along, which type – just not clear. But I knew all along. I dismissed my gut. Use my mistake as your shield of knowledge.

So when I moved, I was so upset the last time I was in that house it was unbelievable even to me. It was such a depressing thing to be there after having been out of it for nearly 2 weeks. I had to get the hell out. I haven’t been back even though I live on the other side of the neighborhood. I miss Erin’s River Birch tree and her Oak tree that we grew from an acorn, but I miss nothing else. It was the worst years of my life, and it was supposed to be a new start. I forced it too…I drove that house, the move, the keeping family together thing, and none of it panned out. A lesson to go with the flow I guess, and your gut.

We moved in and almost immediately our driveway began cracking. Lots of cracks – not normal cracks. Then the wood floors had to be pulled up. We were without floors for over a month. It was awful. I had already been living like I was in a hotel since March when we started selling furniture and such for our move. Now I was there again. The builder still never sent the cabinet folks back to fix the cabinet trim. We had multiple damaged items in the house that didn’t get fixed, but it is honestly too much trouble to bug them about. I’ve already started repainting. The paint was so thinly done you can see through it in spots all over.

Our blinds took 2+ months to arrive. That isn’t normal. The toilets were nearly kid sized (I kid you not!). Ordering new ones was hell. I could tell you the convoluted story but you wouldn’t even believe it. So we cancelled those and ordered the same two somewhere else and finally got them installed. We then went and ordered cabinets for the laundry – been 2 weeks and the person still hasn’t called us to do the final measurement. I know there is something going on here but for the life of me I can’t figure it out. Shoddy work, poor foundations, inability to eliminate and launder? LOL Anyone of you out there who do spiritual interps, please send insight! Even our bed started creaking suddenly when we moved. Do you know how disrupting it is to creak every time you turn over? I think we finally got that fixed.

My bathtub isn’t as inviting. I used to take salt baths all the time but have maybe used it 3 times since May. At least we finally put down roots – we planted the butterfly bushes that I received on my first Mother’s Day without Erin. They are in bad shape – 3 years in pots will do that to a bush. But we were determined to take them to our new when we moved. That wasn’t a typo – we are in our NEW.

At least one hummingbird finally came to visit. He buzzed my head last night when we put a rock border down.

My new job is fantastic. But it is a LOT of work. I have not done service desk from the prime contractor perspective before, and so I have learned a whole lot about government and program management office deliverables, which is great experience. I’m also learning how to pull back from operations. But I have a small leadership staff so I still have to do a lot of things myself and am working 12-13 hour days. I had forgotten how it felt to get 100+ emails a day ha ha!

The 2nd Annual Go for the Gold at McMullen Cove will occur on 9/15. Please come support the Harmon’s Sam, and Erin, as well as the St Jude families that the donations will go to. Being in the hospital with your child means time off work, lost wages, unpaid bills, and a lot of gas and food. They need help. We did, and we are fortunate to be in good financial shape. I can’t imagine what others are going through. And did I mention come support the Harmon’s and us? We still need it. I still cry every day. I’m actually crying now. It never stops.

That’s all for today. Love and hugs, blessings, namaste, and #missingerin <3

I discovered last Friday morning, via FaceBook, that Erin’s friends apparently graduated from 8th grade on Thursday. I was not prepared for the feelings that followed, and I am a little ashamed to share them. I mean, what normal person is bitter that children are happy, healthy, and have moved on 4 years later? I stopped being normal, though, when Erin left. So I’m not a normal person.

I have spent the entire weekend in a deep depression. I was too busy on Friday at work to think about it much, but it popped in during every moment of downtime, and moved in to stay after work. I finally showered after 2 days, and haven’t been hungry. I really have very little to say. I’m sure you can tell this isn’t flowing very well.

I am ashamed that I feel the way that I do. I can’t lean into it though. I’ve just got to turn away. I’m angry that it’s been almost 4 years since I’ve seen my daughter or heard her voice. It does not get easier with time. I still cry every day and I still tell her goodnight and good morning. I still tell her that I miss her several times a day.

The well-read of you will tell me that I have what they call “complicated grief.” That’s almost an insult. There is nothing complicated about this. My child died. No one should have to continue living with that, yet here I am.

This is why happy events make me so miserable. If you are one of the people who don’t understand why I don’t celebrate holidays, birthdays, etc. maybe you will gain more insight by reading this. Maybe not. I don’t know why I still feel the need to accommodate those of you who don’t understand. Yes, there are still some.

I would say the flow is gone but it wasn’t here. I guess I wrote this one more for me than for you. My apologies for the downer content. All that I can say is UGH and #missingerin <3