Feb 12

Musings for 2/12/2018

Greetings all. I have been on business travel, and sick, for the past month (not in that order) so have not written in awhile. I have thought about writing though, as I’ve had some interesting experiences.

Since I don’t know when the last time I shared was, forgive me if you already knew that I had the flu. I was surprised. I haven’t had the flu in years, and do not take the vaccine (don’t plan to). But I know where I got it…at a funeral. I saw someone post a day or two afterward that “I have the flu” and darn, I hugged them. I bet a lot of folks there got it since there was a lot of hugging going on.

But mine was mild except for a few days of excessive coughing that arrived after the fever had gone down. I was in bed 3 days with a fever, spiking at 101.6. But I did not take any pain/fever meds because I wanted the fever to do it’s job and it did. On day 3 it broke and never came back. I was actually on business travel and went to an Urgent Care for my cough when I found out I tested positive for flu. He said my lungs sounded fine and confirmed I had no fever. That was about 5 days post symptom-start.

Anyway, I ended up with the remnants of a chest cold type thing that should be going away soon. I hope so as it is annoying. But I sort of feel like I need to look at why I am being annoyed – there’s a message there I keep ignoring? It feels that way.

I had the best “work week” I’ve had in years last week at a customer site. I was working again as part of a team, doing something constructive and quite busy. That’s the sort of work-life I want and hopefully my desires have been answered. But traveling is hard on me. There are a lot of sights at the airport, for example, that hit me right in the heart chakra. People with their children especially. It’s rough. Oh, and not buying souvenirs anymore. I can’t not notice the stores.

We are in year 4 – it will be 4 years this August. On Saturday night I had that awful feeling – first in my heart area then it sank to the pit of my stomach. I knew what it was, and I woke on Sunday extremely depressed. There are just times that it is too much and I can no longer deal with it. Her room is still nearly just like she left it. I had to clean her play room up when we thought we would sell the house but it’s basically intact, posters still on the wall. The only thing missing is her. I can’t get rid of her stuff because that’s just more heartbreak, and I’m at my limit. Who knew that I could miss someone this much, for this long, every single day?

I know there was a local child who died recently. I just have to turn away from that, you know? I have nothing positive to say. This is a life sentence and it never gets better. Time doesn’t heal this wound. You do learn how to keep going, how to manage, but when you aren’t distracted and you think of your baby, it feels like it just happened. There is no hope. There is just trying to be the best person you can be, in honor of your child, until you are released from this hell that we call life.

So how’s that to brighten your day? I know, but I feel that way inside all the damn time. So I hope my work life does continuously improve, because I need something for Pete’s sake. Video games and exercise and whatever else only goes so far. At least I was so exhausted every night last week that I collapsed into bed, even forgetting to tell Erin goodnight a few times.

Oh, and in other news, I must have been completely disconnected from my body because on Wednesday, I didn’t realized my left foot was asleep and twisted my ankle worse than I have in my entire life. It was bruised and my calf muscles are still sore. Talk about a disconnect! It was a reminder to me that I have to be aware of my body, mind, and spirit – all the time. Can’t just focus on one.

I also figured out why therapists just have you come and talk. You figure your own shit out when you talk about it, if that’s your desire anyway. Otherwise you just talk and never attend to your issues. So that’s why I talk here. By the end of what I’m writing, I’ve helped me and maybe even helped you. At the very least you are either amused or think “Wow, my life isn’t so bad I guess.” LOL Maybe both.

I guess that’s it – flow is gone. Will chat later. Hugs, blessings, and #missingerin <3

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