Jan 11

Musings for 1/11/2018

Yesterday I managed to have a major “breakthrough” in regards to beating myself up about (insert here). I know there are others out there who are also beating themselves up knowingly and unknowingly. Either way, your Self hears and feels you and it is unhealthy. My hope is that we can learn together to be more loving to ourselves, and to others.

This image was the most popular image on the internet to represent the Medieval people known as the Flagellants. They were called that because they practiced what is known as flagellation for religious purposes. In short, they would beat themselves bloody as a penance of sorts, and if I recall correctly they would go about their daily lives and march in the streets doing it.

Yesterday when I was speaking with my friend, I told her that this was what I have been doing to myself, except my experience is emotional and mental and not physical. After I hung up with her, I had a visual image of it. First it manifested as a mace, and I immediately thought well that’s not very efficient. Then it immediately morphed into a whip just like the one you see pictured. Except mine had little mace-like barbs on the ends. Smaller barbs and more tentacles for maximum torture and endurance. Perfect.

One of the things I was telling my friend is that I am having a terrible time being accountable and responsible, but then letting it go and moving forward. I keep talking about the former Me and the Me in this now. With growth, we change and we become better than we were before. We become different. So the Me that I am today is not even the same Me that wrote to you yesterday. I have grown and gained further wisdom and knowledge, and thus I have expanded. I understand things differently, and so much more.

That doesn’t negate what the Me yesterday wrote, or the feelings, or even anything negative or positive that I said or did. But it seems counterproductive to stay in a state of self-punishment in order to be accountable and responsible. How do we bridge that gap? I am not yet sure but I’m working on it.

My friend finally said something that clicked for me. I am approaching a multidimensional concept with a 3rd dimensional form of thought. You don’t have to adopt this language to understand what I mean, and I’ll explain with an example. I’m sure you’ve seen on the news at least once in your life some fellow who had committed a crime earlier in this life. Obviously having remorse, he reinvented himself and led a good life. Perhaps a life of love, kindness, and service. But then one day they figure out that he committed the crime,and they arrest him and try him for the crime.

Many times in these situations people feel strongly that this person has made amends, and that they have shown their character via the type of life that they went on to live. They are upset that the law will hold him accountable. I can’t give you examples but I know I have seen this happen many times on the national news over my lifetime.

To reframe my concepts, we are talking about a lower vibrational form of thought versus a higher vibrational from of thought. The lower vibrational form (3d, etc.) is informed and perpetuated by fear, anger, and lack of empathy. It is not inherently wrong and was put in place for a reason. But the higher vibrational form of thought is informed by love and kindness. It recognizes who this man is now, and that he has made amends. It not only has compassion, it has empathy.

So apply this to yourself. How many times do you speak negatively to yourself every day? “Geez I look fat.” ” I knew better, why did I do that?” “Way to go Nicole, that was stupid.” The list goes on and it goes on all day, every day for most of us. We say things to ourselves that we would never say to someone else.

I first said to myself, for months, that I knew better than to speak so harshly, or to act the way that I did, and I recognized when I had been selfish and in ego or jealousy. After I had a breakthrough and realized that I had grown and would never do/say those things now, I moved on to “I said this to my daughter. I am a horrible person and must have hurt her feelings. I am accountable for this and cannot undo it.”

But if I were speaking to you, I would hug you and tell you that just the fact that you have grown enough to notice that you needed to change is huge. That it means you are on the right path. And that you are not the person you were then, and that you never meant to be hurtful in the first place and you just didn’t have the tools or understanding to be different then. I would also remind you that you being the best you can be every day is enough, and that I love you.

I do not say these things to myself. I have softened my heart to many who I previously thought were mean or unkind when I saw the change in them, but I don’t  do that for me. When I saw my mother in dream time, and saw the change in her, my feelings towards her were completely healed. Yet I do not recognize that when I turn inward. Does that sound familiar to you? I suspect for many that it does.

It is not a bad thing to hold yourself accountable and responsible. In fact it is imperative. But continual punishment is not productive or healthy. It also isn’t helpful to break old patterns and formation of new, positive ones.

I am still not sure how to make that jump from old school thought to where I think I’m going with this, but I know I have to get there somehow. At least now I can start to let go and move to another leg of this journey. I love you all <3


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