Jan 09

Musings for 1/9/2018

Today I attended the second funeral in less than a week down at Spry Funeral Home on North Parkway. I actually meant to post about the first one last week, so let me say a short bit about that. A dear friend’s mother died, someone who was like a second mother to me in high school. She lost her father and mother within 9 months, and my heart aches for her. On the up side, she has a loving family to get her through it and I’m grateful for that.

The funeral I attended today was for a former colleague. He started on the program I used to support a few months after I did way back in 2004. Such a nice guy, and he left behind a wife and three children. He was only 45. I know I did not expect him to die.

Seeing their grief opened up my own wounds. I don’t know if the tears I shed today were for them or for me, but I feel so sorry for them knowing what is ahead. Still, I think it’s easier when it’s your parent and not your child, or your husband and not your child. You can’t replace spouses and parents, but others can step in and eventually fill the roles. I have a void that cannot be filled and it slowly kills me.

You know I say that but I also know that I am resilient and a survivor, so it will not kill me. It also will not make me stronger. Just more miserable due to length of time.

And by the way, those things I said above are from my own experience. I was 4 when my father died of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease). My mother was 32 and she started dating again 3 years later. I know that she missed my dad but she remarried twice after that and so, she filled her void. Not everyone will but I still suspect that it’s not as debilitating as losing your child. And then, I hate to compare grief. Grief absolutely sucks no matter who or what you are grieving. Perhaps it’s the degree of heart shattering that is the deciding factor in how deeply you grieve? I have no idea, and I have not yet found anyone who knows. So-called experts just call it “complicated grief” because they don’t know what to do with it. I don’t fault them…and yes, it’s very complicated.

Two night ago after a few days of very deep depression, Erin visited me in my dream state. I was so happy to see her and was telling her that, then I had the presence of mind to apologize. I said I am so sorry for everything, and for anything unkind, and before I could finish she said “Stop saying that.” The dream didn’t end there but it was the most impactful part of our interaction. I apologize to her and feel deep remorse on a daily basis. It’s not productive and it’s harmful to my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical health. And it’s not something I can carry forward into our relationship when we are together again.

I feel shame when I experience and hear the unkind words that I said once, or remember the unkind deed. People really have no idea how their actions affect others. I know that I am experiencing those words and actions as the recipient in my PTSD moments, and I feel the depth of their violence. If I told you about some of the most often recurring ones, you’d say “Oh, that isn’t terrible.” Or something. But they were, and are.

I know that if I was then who I am now, I would not say those things. I would not do those things. I would welcome Erin into my bed when she woke up every night for whatever reason, and I would not complain loudly when she kept me up. I would not yell at her over homework. I would have done more fun things with her, things she wanted to do. I can blame it on life getting in the way but if I am truthful, it was me and no one else but me. And now I have to live with it, and worse, know what it feels like.

The beauty here is that if I had not come to an energetic space where I feel a deeper level of unconditional love, the Christ consciousness, then I would not feel this at all. So it’s wonderful that I can feel it. It’s wonderful that I feel that type of love for, well, everyone and everything. It’s something I hope to pass on like a virus to everyone else. It’s wonderful that I have developed a deeper sense of empathy, and that I know what consequences my words and actions have on others. But Erin is not here to be with this now version of Me.

But I got her message. In the dream I said ok, and we moved on to other things as we walked to find Dad (Shaun). The next day I pondered it to ensure I got the right idea and I knew I had, and so I told her that I would work on this, but that when I do see her again, I will apologize in person one last time and then I’ll be done with it. It’s important to me to say the words. I don’t need forgiveness. I just need to make amends.

I know I wasn’t a bad person before, but I lacked some degree of empathy and compassion, and understanding. I am grateful to the previous Me for allowing growth and for continuing the growth after our heart was broken. And I am going to try to make amends with my Self. I am not yet sure how to do that or to move forward in a positive way.

Love and blessings, and #missingerin <3

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