Dec 04

Musings for 12/04/2017

This time I’m coming to you from Washington, D.C. I arrived at my hotel today and my room wasn’t ready, so I finally ended up eating lunch in the hotel bar and grill. There was a TV on behind me with our President speaking about downsizing some national parks. You know when they do that, it’s so that some big corporation can decimate the land and natural resources for profit. But anyway, I caught what he was saying and then applause. Who applauds gutting the national parks?

That just led to some additional dis-ease and depression that I have been battling all day. I really need to apologize to our Mother Earth for hating being here so much, but Mamma nature, there are some awful people living on you. They are unkind and they make me sad. There is also too much suffering. Almost too much to bear. We continue to adapt for survival but at what cost? What good is living if we have either sold our souls or cut off our connection with them due to the pain we can no longer bear?

My aunt Shirley is not doing very well. She’s doing so poorly that she will never read these words. When she is gone, I will have only one of my mother’s siblings left, and that makes me sad. I know it makes my remaining Aunt sad as well.

I believe that her illness triggered some Erin grief on my drive to the airport in Atlanta this morning. I was deeply sad on my way there. Not immediately sad for aunt Shirley though, because honestly, I only grieve for Erin. I have so much grief over her absence that there just isn’t any room left for anyone else. But that doesn’t mean that additional sadness doesn’t overflow the already full cup sometimes.

Tomorrow I go and eat pizza with my GSFC staff. It’s a small gesture, but one within my power. And perhaps that is the crux of the issue – my issue anyway. I’m powerless to help aunt Shirley. I’m powerless to stop the decimation of the land and the water and the air. I’m powerless to stop mean, unkind people from being the way they are. I was powerless to help Erin, my mother, Greg, uncle Joel, and my father in law Larry.  And there are a few more to add to the list. For Heaven’s sake I think of Lisa Lessard nearly every day. She was so kind to me, and I loved her dearly.

If Love is the answer, I’m just not sure what the point of the question is when those that you love are no longer with you. And I’m certain that those who say “change how you look at things” or “change how you feel” have not experienced any large degree of loss. UGH and SIGH.

Blessings and love, and #missingerin <3

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