We made it through Thanksgiving. It’s one step ahead, then two steps back. For me anyway. I can be very personally self-destructive.
I can’t blame all of my personal issues on missing Erin, but it certainly does not help. Doing some self-reflection, I have a little bit of anger over still having little bits of anger. I’ve been angry most of this lifetime, mostly because I felt I was cheated out of a childhood. And so my biggest forms of self-destruction come when I demand play time and procrastination above anything else that is meaningful and of value. In other words, instead of being the adult I revert back into a bratty child who wants it her way or the highway.
Self-reflection is a difficult thing to do. Sitting there with yourself and all of your flaws and pain can be overwhelming. If you are a beginner to clearing and dealing with your emotional angst, I highly recommend making a list of your “issues” and dealing with them one at a time. I also have the lovely habit of diving in head first, and thus am a glutton for punishment. Don’t do that to yourself if you can help it.
The good news, I guess, is that I am finding myself at a new level of understanding and of knowing where I want to be in this now. So I am going to make a few lifestyle adjustments and self-improvements to nurture me (and thus all relationships and life in general).
One of my procrastination habits bit me in the ass this morning when I found out my uncle Therrell died. I have not visited in 4 years or so, or don’t remember when. I used to make those visits with Erin but it’s soooo hard to go visit family without her. I have had to do it obviously but I pretty much go when I have to, not because I want to. And that is no reflection on them whatsoever. It’s just that even nice moments, and especially long drives, are painful reminders of who is not there with me. But obviously I also miss out on spending time with people I would like to spend time with. I am doing the best I can, but that doesn’t mean I wish I could or would do better. I’m really sorry that I did not get to say goodbye.
I really did not realize how much of a dour tone my being is vibrating at today. I guess it’s appropriate to reflect at this time in our calendar year, though, and make changes for a better Me/You/Us next year. Love and blessings, and #missingerin <3