I stopped writing for awhile, at least regularly, as things were just bottled up inside of me. One thing I learned during this period, though, was that I absolutely had to sit with what I was feeling and stop running from it. That took a lot for me to do, as even the idea of having sit with so much grief causes me pain.
We are extremely grateful for the neighbors and friends who put on the Go for the Gold event honoring Erin, Sam Harmon, and two other children whom I don’t know (one of whom lived through his ordeal). However, the days leading up to the event took an emotional toll. I plan to share more about the event later on, when I’m feeling up to it. Anyone who is experiencing grief will tell you that the days leading up to a date are much worse than the date itself. They weigh on you, tearing you apart with memories and feelings of dread. What should be happy times can turn into minute by minute nightmares. Then the day comes and it’s in no way as bad as what led up to it. I was pleasantly distracted that day and managed to keep most of my emotions in check at the times I was not distracted. Anyway…
I woke up one day last week and realized that some large layer of grief was simply gone. That is not to say that it is over but it was…changed. I know that my decision to dive back in to the sea of grief inside of me had a lot to do with that. Unfortunately, I have become embarrassed about it. I feel like you all want me to get over it. None of you have made me feel that way. It’s just that all of you have moved on with your lives and I am stuck a moment of great despair. So I feel different, exposed, vulnerable. I have felt this way all along but have also grown frustrated with it. So my perceptions about you, they are a mirror of me. I feel exposed writing about this right now. As if I am doing something wrong.
Thankfully I have had some intellectual realizations this past week as well. I have followed this lovely lady called Magenta Pixie on YouTube now for about 3 years. I found her right after, but it wasn’t until lately that I began really getting the gold nuggets out of her work. She has two books published that I bought recently and anyway, one of the most profound things I got out of book 1 was that it’s perfectly ok to feel negative emotions. Ok, I knew that. But as I’ve voiced here before, I was tired of feeling bad about feeling bad. I was tired of hearing that my negative, low vibe was keeping me from advancing spiritually. I knew that could not be right but just could not feel my way through that. Sure, low vibrational people do not advance spiritually per se, but I just can’t help how I feel you know? So tired of hearing (which I did just the other day) that the key is inside of me, or something like that. Basically telling me to change my thoughts and get over it. Whatever folks. Doesn’t work that way, but I just could not find the answers that I needed to move through it.
I want to digress just a moment though, and mention the PTSD that I have had for 3 years now. I also want to mention that it is a LIFE REVIEW. All of that stuff they say happens at the time of death when you cross over – it is happening to me in this life. It is the same as PTSD though, and while I may pursue that in contemplation later I won’t for now.
Those review moments, they have showed me specific moments that I could have done better. Times that I said harsh words, was unfeeling and uncaring, even mean and many moments of anger. They hurt me deeply, and even more so these past few months. Some I see over and over. Some are new and surprise me. But I realized last week that I feel them so much more deeply than I have ever before – why? And why for heaven’s sake could I not feel that same depth of emotion when Erin was still alive? (I have them for others too, but I focus on Erin.)
I’ve also mentioned here that I had been pondering that up until our recent linear time that maybe we did not have heart chakras developed enough to feel any real, deep emotion. Just shallow stuff. It has to do with the Christ Consciousness descending into our body/mind/spirit now. I also did not understand where I was going with that, as I could not explain it, nor could I explain really what I was even getting at. I guess I was meant to understand it though, and I do now through those review moments and the feeling that accompanies them.
So anyway, I realized that I did not have the capacity to FEEL what I feel now, then. While I am so sorrowful over that, I have learned from it. And Erin came to me briefly not too long ago and said that I needed to be ready, I needed to understand and clear all of that stuff. I have to get it and be whole. She gives me these little tidbits, and then emotion kicks in and I can’t see or hear her anymore, but I got the gist. And I got the point last week during a particularly low moment. I can no longer beat myself up for something I did not have the ability or capacity for, and I am in the process of letting that go.
It doesn’t mean that I am not sorry. I am, deeply sorry. But the Me that was then is not the Me that is now. I am thankful for that despite the painful journey it has been. I have learned, mostly understood it, and need to find a way to let myself off the hook for what old Me was and did. I tell Erin I am sorry every time one of these sorts of things come up, and I just want to look her in the eye and tell her one day. I don’t need forgiveness, just to make amends once and for all.
Other than the way I am feeling, I believe I am making progress. I did a tarot reading for myself 2 days ago and pulled these lovely cards…
The draw was originally Body/Mind/Spirit. But that didn’t make sense to me after I analyzed the cards. I realized that The Chariot was what Magenta Pixie calls Bodymind, as they are really one and the same. The Lovers is sort of a bridge between that and Spirit, which is King of Swords.
The Chariot represents will. You know, where there’s a will there’s a way. It also speaks of balance with the two horses (white/black) and the wheel in the middle representing the 4 elements. She holds a staff ripe with power. But the balance indicates discipline to govern the brute force of will. I have to “reign in” the Bodymind and keep it moving in the direction that I need to go.
The Lovers, well that’s just plain balance and yes, love. This card has all sorts of symbolism (enlarge it if you’re able – it’s embedded into all of the greenery, etc.). But what most stands out at me is the white deer, or hind as they call it. That is Erin. The night Erin’s body died, we pulled up at the hotel in Birmingham and it was very late, like 2am. There was a deer right there by the door eating something or other. I was in a terrible state of mind but I knew she sent it. She knew I would notice it and I did. She’s the bridge that has brought me from where I was to where I am now, and where I’m going.
The King of Swords…well Kings represent maturity in all things, as well as social responsibility (they take care of their people). Swords themselves speak of truth – cutting to the truth. While that is the foremost symbol for me, the Druid Craft guide indicates intellect and decision making. I suppose my spirit Self is finally taking the helm and leading me into my now and future destiny. Finally. You can look at these 3 cards as a progression into a spiritual maturity also.
Don’t worry, I’m not so brazen as to declare I’m there or done. I know that it’s about the journey. I pulled new cards today though that tells me I got it. I hope to marinate here a bit and really, really get it.
Here’s to you getting it to, whatever it is. Love and blessings, and #missingerin <3