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Sep 12

Musings for 9/12/2017

I’m in that time and space where I cannot seem to communicate with any ease. That includes emails, texts, and messages. So if you got something from me that you felt was off, or short, or anything else unusual, I just can’t get it out in a fashion that’s user friendly. Sorry.

Deep depression doesn’t seem to accurately describe my inner landscape. It’s a constant burning feeling. You all know my thoughts – this is hell – and yes, it seems eternal. I continue to have the “life review” moments and I admit that I judge myself harshly. I both failed and passed the tests in the sense that my actions and reactions have sucked, but I understand the lessons now. I will continue to have more “tests” to see if I can get it right but I’m 75% of the way there. I know I haven’t been who I wanted to be. I cannot bear another lifetime in this place to do it again.

I suspect that at some point my Soul Self boasted about how I could do this, it would be easy, blah blah. That always backfires on me and I don’t know why I do it. Karma is such a bitch, it makes a person afraid to have any confidence in their abilities. Or perhaps I cross the line from confidence to hubris? That’s what took down Achilles. It’s possible, but then I apparently don’t know where that line is.

What I do know is that I realized that I have been completely and utterly lying to myself, and thus to you. Changing my thoughts did change how I felt in the moment, but those moments were a lie. They were me fooling myself into thinking I was moving past the sadness. I was just running from it, and it caught me. I promise you that I cannot go lower. Or maybe I can.

I listen to a lot of uplifting spiritual shit. I read a lot. I actually still have very strong beliefs that should make me feel better about things, but they don’t. Nothing that might help you out of normal despair helps someone who misses their child. Forget the memories of her dying. The missing her is what is killing me.

You can tell me I have a terrible attitude and I do. You would too. I’m tired of hearing that, I’m tired of hearing that I won’t be able to raise my vibration if I am in the low vibration of grief all the time. That she wouldn’t want me to be sad. That I can feel better if I just see the positive in each moment instead of the negative. That I have “complicated grief” and need solutions. Nothing addresses grieving your child. Not even grief related stuff helps with this one.

I am sad. I am miserably sad. I do not feel any better than I did 3 years ago. In fact I feel worse. I am not going to get over this. I will never be the same. I will never have true joy or happiness. Every day is agony. Any moment I don’t display this outwardly I am putting on a show. Not for you – mostly for me. My life is completely meaningless as I move forward day by day. And I have no idea how to feel any better.

I have no idea how to feel any better. My fellow child-loss grievers, I have no words of wisdom for you except find a bunch of short-term band aids and affix them as needed.

So I don’t know – I’m giving in or giving up. Maybe there is no difference between the two. I feel like a failure for wallowing but I don’t know what else to do. So wallow I will.

#missingerin <3

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