Aug 05

Musings for 8/5/2017

I realized that I in fact did not finish my lament two days ago. I meant to write yesterday but got distracted when the cable/internet went out for FIFTEEN HOURS just around 3:30 pm yesterday. We knew how long it was out because Shaun couldn’t sleep and was up when it came back on. I think #Comcast owes a lot of customers a #Refund .

I also didn’t sleep well the night before. I don’t sleep well when I have any deviation in what’s going on around me and he went out for a co-worker’s last day of work. You would think being home alone would lend to a great start on my night’s sleep but nope, when I’m alone without an end-time I tend to self-destruct. Anyway, that led not only to a poor night’s sleep but then being overly tired, which nixed the nap I tried to take and also caused me to sleep poorly last night. And oh – thanks Comcast for the no-go on yoga since I do it streamed from Gaia.com. Enough about Comcast. Maybe I got that out of my system.

So I had to actually speak to the neighbors who have lived behind me for nearly a year this morning. I was at my bird feeder and was unfortunately eye-level with the guy, who turned around and stared at me as he watered something. I said “Hi” and waved and I don’t think he spoke, which is fine. I have avoided them. I’m the buzzkill who meets someone new and then says “My child died” when asked. Trust me…that breakfast I attended this week on the first day of school was just that and a living, breathing mistake. It was lovely telling all of those young moms that my child died when they asked me to make conversation. I could say I don’t have any, and have once recently, but shit I do have one and she’s just not here. I wonder what they thought when I changed the subject? I have wondered that a lot as I plow through to another topic without even saying thank you when they say I’m sorry. Some days I just can’t.

By the way, I did enjoy meeting a few ladies at that breakfast. I also was told one very heart-warming and uplifting story by one and appreciated it very much. And if anyone is wondering, I work mobile so I was checking email the entire time (that’s my disclaimer – I don’t want to get fired any more than you do lol!).

I’ve told you about the start of my days, the middle of any given day, but not about the end of each day. When we finally settle in to watch television (sometimes it’s games, but always TV at some point), there is some relief. Except for the barrage of MF’ing Humira commercials (that’s another story), the baby diaper commercials, anything with sad music, most things heart warming, etc. etc. and blah blah blah. I literally cannot hit fast forward fast enough. But I persevere and watch the next mind-numbing thing that comes on. I shouldn’t say that…watching someone else’s story is an escape from mine and I only watch what really grabs me.

And then it’s time to get in bed, where I have to relive all of the times that Erin wanted to sleep with us and I wasn’t pleased (I can’t sleep with a lot of folks in the bed) and I acted ugly or said no. Or the memories of her calling out in pain because her back hurt and no one knew why. We even thought she was making it up for awhile. Or nearly every night when she would show up next to my bed needing something. Why didn’t I sleep with her more when she was sick? Why did I try to maintain normalcy to the point that I was perhaps unfeeling? Why didn’t I know she was dying? And then finally, I say to the darkness and with my eyes open – “I love you Erin. I miss you. I hope you sleep good.” Every night, without fail except for a few times when I’ve been too drunk to do anything but shut my eyes (and that’s only been a few times, because I’m not a regular drinker), for somewhere around 1000 or more days. I guess I’ll do it every night until I see her again.

I think I’ve finally figured out why parents cannot move forward after the death of their child’s body. Fathers share their DNA with their babies, and as we all know DNA can communicate across time and space. It’s been proven. So they feel the loss down to their DNA. But mothers, we grew them in our bodies for 9 months. We share so much more than just DNA, and in my case I fed her from my bosom for 11 months. I realize that not every human feels love for their offspring, but for most of us, we not only share DNA but we share an unbreakable bond of love. This is the closest physically that we ever get to the reality that we are all one, and when part of you is no longer accessible to touch, hug, and see, it is beyond devastating.

I was listening to something about New Earth the other day, and the person said that some have left their bodies (i.e., died) here so that they could go first and call to us to come over. Missing Erin has surely convinced me to be the best version of me that I can be, no matter how much pain I’m in. I don’t always succeed but I have no other desire than to be in service until one day when we can be in service together. To be love until I can be love for and to Erin. And if that helps one person, or many, then I think when I shed this body I will be able to say I succeeded. So I hold on to those things and to your love and kindness, because it’s all I’ve got to keep me going.

I really, really do deeply appreciate every kind word, sentiment, and just everything that each and every one of you have sent my way (and Shaun too). I do not forget them or you, and while at this point there are too many to mention I do not forget and I want to ensure that I express my appreciation in the best way words will allow. I feel I’m failing at that here but hopefully you can feel it even if the words don’t reflect it.

For those of you who may wonder, Erin would be 13 years old and starting the 8th grade. She would be 14 in December. Maybe she is 13 – I don’t know how you age on the “other side.” She visits me in dream time sometimes and looks age appropriate. But I don’t care. I would love her if she was 90 years old just the same.

Namaste, and #missingerin <3

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