Several minutes ago I watched one of the funniest things I’ve seen in awhile. It was this comedian named Peter Kay showcasing misheard lyrics and it was truly funny. I laughed so hard I cried during most of the video. Fast forward a few minutes later to a heart warming clip of a man recovering from a massive stroke. His nurses helped him rehab by dancing to “All About that Bass” with him. I smiled and yes, my heart warmed.
And then the magnitude of my loss came in. It didn’t just creep, it rushed in like it was water filling a void. And now I’m crying, but not from joy. I’ve been crying for several minutes now in fact.
It’s times like this that the Observer in me observes, and wants to document, which is why I’m writing. What exactly happened here? What does it mean? I wasn’t even thinking of Erin at the time but I knew what it was when I felt it in my heart chakra. It was quick and lethal and pierced me to the bone. It is strong and has not yet dissipated, and the fact that it arrived after such joy is perplexing.
The Observer is somewhat apart from the human me. It is as if it sits back and says hmmm…this is interesting. It looks at causal relationships, what the physical body is doing in relation to my emotional state, and even sometimes directs traffic in a sense. It is unable, at this point anyway, to stave off physical responses to emotional stress, but it observes and catalogs them in my mind. It is often perplexed and needs more data. Sometimes, like right now, it is distracting and takes me away from the intense pain that I am experiencing. Other times I don’t notice it and just wallow for a period until I can pick myself up and move on.
Yesterday I was listening to Magenta Pixie, who is very detailed and helpful, talk about the moments of joy and how that is key to changing your vibration and life. I felt better after listening and understanding whatever it was she was saying. I can sustain joy for short periods of time. In fact, I often seek it out during the day in order to get through things and not completely sink under the waves. In other words I cultivate joy and loving moments because I understand vibration and what I must do to sustain my existence here and contribute to the whole. Until otherwise known, my sole mission is to achieve and beam out the heart-centered, Christ consciousness love that until recently has been just a fairy tale here on Earth. What would Jesus do? We didn’t get it until quite recently, and not all of us have understood yet. When you do and your heart is turned on you will know. It’s an unmistakable feeling.
The irony is that here I am, finally getting it, and am constantly dragging a boulder up hill to try and get there. My other choice is to abandon ship, be completely unfeeling, and waste the rest of my life in this body doing such. Neither option is a feel good option, but at least trudging ahead provides value.
Now, had I not been upset I may have started this out as an article telling you that I feel shitty too, and here are things I do to move that out of my body, mind, and spirit. So let me just recap on that…
No matter what you are depressed about, having anxiety about, or insert here, you do have some control over your state of mind and emotions via the actions you can take when you begin to feel poorly. Everything in your body/mind/spirit is a vibration, and sound is also a vibration. Keep in mind that you can “push” the vibration that is making you feel bad out of your body by doing things like listening to music that you love, working with tuning forks, crystal or metal “singing” bowls, singing, or even exercising. Emotions are sometimes like weather fronts in such that they move in and hover over you for longer than necessary. So you have to break them up by any means necessary. Be sure that you don’t harm yourself or others. Do something uplifting to move it along.
If you are grieving someone you dearly loved, it doesn’t end. I am being honest and I’m sorry. You do need to process your emotions – don’t live in denial as it is unhealthy and also prolongs whatever actual progress you can make. Drugs and alcohol do the same – stop the process – and your grief will still be there when you sober up or get off your medication. I am not giving you medical advice, but I am telling you that if you are numbing the pain with anything at all then you aren’t fully processing your emotions. You do what you need to do to get through it though, without harming yourself or others please. Otherwise, do things that you can do like using sound therapy to change the vibration within. There are days when I have to listen to 2 hours of Tibetan singing bowls in order to get over a hump and function. Thankfully I work from home and can do that.
Distraction is ok. There was a time that I was beating myself up for the many useless, time consuming distractions that now fill my life. Then I realized that they were helpful and caused me to disengage from my thoughts, which weren’t always constructive. Use distraction as needed. Writing this blog today was a distraction for me. I suppose that in the early days of my grief I used distraction as a “drug” of sorts, and I did have to balance it out. Thankfully it wasn’t something I became dependent on, but I do use the hell out of it when I need to.
Once you are able to do so, maybe you can see the value in your situation and find some gratitude for it. It sucks in a way but it is helpful to do so. I am not thankful that Erin’s body died and that she is not here. However, the entire experience has done many things for me. It opened my heart – fully and completely – to the Christ consciousness type of love for others and myself. I have done a very regular life review for nearly 3 years now. You know – the thing you do supposedly when your body dies? Well I have random memories pop up and I see what I could have done differently. I am reviewing the living hell out of this lifetime and I am changed forever because of it.
And therein lies the rub. I cannot go back – back to who I was even the day Erin’s body died – because I am such a different person due to my experience. I am a kinder, more loving, wiser person. And I cannot give that away. I am grateful that I am open minded, and that when Erin told me during several meditations that she would see me soon, that I believed her. She asked me to believe in fact. And she had me meet a wonderful friend who had gotten similar messages from her recently gone husband. I am grateful that I have someone to believe with, I’m grateful that I am experiencing this wondrous journey with Erin, and I am grateful that it’s not just me but others who have soul bonds with those not here right now, that they also will feel the gratitude and joy that I will when we are reunited.
I”m going to hang on to that gratitude for a few minutes, and then find some singing bowls to even me out. Thank you for walking this journey with me. I will say again that I have not forgotten not one of you, your kindness and love is with me on a constant basis. I don’t care how different we may look or seem, or where you are from or what religion you are. I do care that you are kind and loving, and together we will change this world. I am grateful for that.
Namaste, and #missingerin <3