Apr 19

Musings for 4/19/2017

UGH is today’s word, brought to you by Grief Street. I know many of you are there with me, and if not you are nearby on Depression Avenue. I know because you have been kind enough to open up to me about your struggles and now we share a bond. An extra special bond of deep understanding and love.

Yesterday I had a cascade happen. It was like a perfect storm that formed slowly and snowballed until it blew a shotgun blast type hole in my heart chakra. I admit, I have not felt that “hole” in quite some time but there it was, at bedtime, and instead of sleep I just wanted to cry and possibly destroy the bedroom. But instead I choked it down quietly. Shaun had an outpatient procedure yesterday (he is fine) and I didn’t want to disturb him.

It was the outpatient procedure that started everything. Oddly enough, the Women and Children’s portion of the hospital takes males for outpatient procedures, and there we were in the same portion of the hospital where Erin had been biopsied early on by St Jude (who found nothing). It was also the hospital she was born in. And it sucked. I managed to keep it together until it was time to leave but I cried the entire way to the car, sucked it up to rid my face of the redness and tears, and picked him up.

It doesn’t matter if stress or whatnot is acknowledged. It is still there until you process it and by that I mean feel the emotions, deal with it, understand it. So it sat there all day/evening until a damn new baby commercial (Huggies?) came on and suddenly I was flooded with the details of Erin’s birthday. It’s a long story, but I have a lot of regret because I was asleep and no one brought my baby to me for like 5 hours. I wonder how she felt? Alone? I bet she did. It hit me hard and suddenly there was the huge hole in my heart chakra. I could sense the color and general shape, and I knew there was no sleep for me last night until I did something to change the energy. So I found a guided meditation and after 45 minutes, I was calm enough to sleep.

So many people think that grief, or depression, is either not so bad, not real, or definitely linear. I have a dear friend who has suffered depression for years and I never understood. I would tell her to dig herself out of it and think of the good things in her life. And I admit I still don’t understand depression without a reason, but I sort of get it now because I have anxiety that pops up when it damn well pleases and with no clear triggers. Yes, it’s all related to Erin’s absence, but no clear triggers sometimes. That means things can be going well and then shit, they aren’t.

I realized either this morning or last night that I am in no shape right now to upgrade my job. I’ve been wanting a new opportunity but damn, I’m permanently broken. I probably have a legitimate disability but if I tried to document it, they would just want to medicate me. To each their own but let me be clear…medication cannot fix what is ailing me. Which is why I have not used it and have no plans to. It might render me in slightly less pain but the root cause is still there and it’s something I have to figure out how to deal with.

I read an article last night before I realized I couldn’t sleep, and I echo what this person said and it helped me to better understand what was happening with me. I’m also not the same person as when this began for me, and I’m also glad. I am not happy about the circumstances, but I do not want to lose the progress that I have made as a soul on this journey. She also notes that it takes work every single day, and that it’s like digging yourself out of a deep, dark hole using a plastic shovel. The shovel will break, and break a lot, and you just have to get another and keep digging.

I keep digging, every day. At least it gives me something to do. Sometimes I just distract myself, and other times I have to force a different vibration into the cells of my body in order to continue to function. That’s what I did last night with the guided meditation, but I could have also done it with Tibetan singing bowls or crystal bowls (they are all over YouTube!), chanting (like Gregorian or other monks), tuning forks, or even popular music that makes me feel good. Sound is vibration after all and it’s a great quick fix. It is not a permanent fix, but I submit these helpful things to you guys because they have helped me to get through moments and days when I thought I could no longer exist in this body.

There was more but the flow is gone. Blessings and peace to all of you who are in pain and suffering. I’m so sorry, and I love you and am hopeful that our suffering will come to an end one day <3


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