Apr 06

Musings for 4/6/2017

Fear. Most of us don’t even realize that fear permeates our daily lives, our bodies, minds, and virtually anything we consciously experience. Sometimes it rears it’s ugly head as plain old fear, but usually it’s masked as something more along the lines of guilt, anger, shame, superstition, OCD type behaviors, and even seemingly positive emotional responses.

Over the last few days I have had to confront my eons old control issue and at the same time I did not see it clearly. A trusted mentor told me that some things I was feeling, at the time guilt and frustration, really just led back to my control issue. Unable to control the outcome sums it up, and yes, I certainly do not like that. But even a need for control is just a symptom, and I was also unable to see the link to fear.

Why would I link it to fear? Well, on an emotional scale the general guidance is that Love is at the positive end and Fear is at the negative end. You can find more detailed scales, some which associate the emotion with measured Hertz wavelengths, but I have included an easy one here. I learned this years ago doing emotional clearing work, and while I don’t use it often, sometimes you have to go back to basics to figure something out.

I also started using my tarot again, mostly for fun but they brought some understanding too. Basically my unfocused energy is creating frustration, and while I’m at the end of one cycle and beginning of another, I am doing myself an injustice with the inaction and lack of focus. It was a clear message, and subsequent messages indicated that further understanding is needed. Then, during a guided meditation that I did, in popped an understanding of what the deeper meaning of the grief I experience is – FEAR.

Have you ever read FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real? That’s a cliche that many throw around but it’s also very on point. I am afraid of not seeing Erin again, of believing and of hope, and of everything I know being false and illusion. I’m afraid of the long time it may be before we are together again. And other stuff, but all generally related.

I never acknowledged fear much before Erin left her body. Now I must confront it head on and make it my friend it seems. I’ve got to find gratitude or I will never move beyond it. I’m really OK with the grief, but I have a deep understanding of how fear motivates thoughts and actions in a negative way. So I need to figure this one out.

It is true that when I am hopeful and, well, any combo of the three positive lines of stuff above, that I do not feel grief (fear). I feel nothing but love, and an sureness that things will turn out in a loving, positive way. I do have expectations attached to that, but I’m in a human body with a human mind, and so that is natural.

For lack of anything more constructive, I want to thank Fear today for several things.

Thank you Fear for giving me an opportunity to really examine what I know, why I know it, and in doing so keeping what serves my highest good and discarding the rest. I really had to examine my Belief System (BS! Haha!) after Erin left her body, and holding myself to things I truly believe has been a challenge. I know that when this is over, I will truly Believe versus just Know, whatever it may be.

Thank you Fear for sticking with me when I was stripped bare, raw, and was in the depths of despair. Without you, I might have left my own body and (UGH) had to repeat this lifetime of lessons over again. I certainly would not have had the wherewithal to do things like eat, brush my teeth, and take a bath if I had not been “afraid” of things like tooth decay and smelling bad.

Thank you Fear for immediately showing me what I was most afraid of after Erin left her body. You gave me my first thought, which was “I have to live the rest of my life without her.” And that is still my biggest fear, but it also spurred all of the other emotional stripping, processing, belief system examining, and everything else that I have done including diversion and distraction. It mobilized me to action, even if I didn’t know what that action was for.

Thank you Fear for walking with me on this journey, so that I could get to this point and be able to rise above where You are. I still need you around for things like “Don’t put your foot on that wet sidewalk” and stuff like that, but I hope to outgrow my need for you soon. No offense. It is a testament to how good you are at your job and also how good I am at learning. So we both win.

Thank you Fear for causing me to change habits that really didn’t serve me. Since I feared despair, I no longer eat ice cream, sweets including chocolate, macaroni and cheese, fast food (except McDonald’s breakfast on occasion!) and a host of other things that I used to eat with Erin. Those things weren’t good for me anyway. I also thank you for the scare you gave me that time I drank way too much, so that I could see that I was self-medicating. I didn’t need to do that either.

And thank you Fear for the breakdown the other day that spurred this line of contemplation. I have grown from it and I understand more today than I did yesterday. That’s the entire point, and I am grateful for this and other things that don’t come to mind at this time. I release you from your role and from blame.

I also want to mention that most of the time Fear is the instrument of our Inner Child (or Ego), who is most likely protecting the both the body and the psyche. That is another story, but in this case, my Inner Child, whose name is Hyacinth, was just as debilitated as I was and so we experienced this journey in an integrative way, together.

I am more at ease but it still hurts. I guess the universe had to give me something absolutely and completely out of my control so that I would just throw the damn towel in. It sure did a good job 🙂

Namaste and #missingerin <3


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  1. all I have ever known since my break at age 19 (I am 36) is basically fear. I have become hardened in it- you never really get used to the stuff, but you can get hardened and locked in… and as far as I have experienced, its possible to basically never get OUT. I think over time your being would slowly shrivel and die (I have seen it in my uncle he has had it for 3x as long as I have) because it simply cannot take it anymore… like being slowly tortured to death. anyway, yeah, I know fear all too well.

    have you seen the movie “what dreams may come” ? I just saw it again last night and it is a a great “trainer” movie to show you the power of what you are actually manifesting in your life and WHY. I have learned that when you stay in fear you attract to you exactly what you are afraid of, and when your chase your heart and your dreams you attract that instead, but jumping from a fear-based reality into a love-based dream-based reality is a VERY HARD BITCH to do 😉

    I “get” the mechanics of how it works, but actually DOING this is a completely different and more challenging experience!

    I think im making progress. I was raised penticostal christian and in my mind all the time there is/was a constant fear of “sin” or doing whats “Wrong in gods eyes” and if we die doing whats wrong in gods eyes we “burn in hell for eternity”. its not very comforting for a person, let alone a 6 year old kid to have to grow up in the world having to believe that this is the truth. part of my soul screams loudly “NEVER! I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO THIS BELIEF! I WANT TO HAVE MY DREAMS AND DO WHAT I WANT!” and the other christian side of me screams “NO, IF YOU DO WHAT YOU DREAM YOU WILL BURN IN HELL AND NEVER GET OUT!”

    real fun, enh?? well, im kind of in the middle now. I guess you could call it caution… but I am leaning more towards some of my dreams in areas and less of other things in different areas. it is a very tough program to have to literally un-program yourself out of. :/

    1. Jason, First, I want to say that I’m sorry you have had so much fear in your life. And I’m here with you saying it sucks.

      So you know the mechanics…also know that it’s always your choice. Choose Love. Whatever the loving, kind choice is, and that includes a fear of Hell. What loving god would want you to suffer? I don’t believe in a Christian version of god, but if I did, I would not believe in one that would want me to suffer. We do the best we can and when we realize we have erred, we atone and do better next time. All in love. Love is the key and frankly, that’s the one thing I agree with re: religion because that’s what the Christ incarnated to tell us. Love is the way. Period. Nothing else <3 Hope you are feeling love today and not fear.

      1. well, I blame it mostly on how the bible is presented, and how people present it to others; some chrisitans don’t even believe in a hell, and other “fire and brimstone” types want to scare everyone with it all day long it seems. I blame a lot of this on people, my family was somewhere right in the middle but more towards the hellfire spectrum, and I have heard a LOT of different teachings from a lot of different people. it seems that people WANT to believe in an all-loving all-forgiving god, but the book plainly states otherwise in a lot of it’s content. in the old testament particularly, there is a constant “people sin, god punishes them, they repent, he goes back to being nice, then people start to sin again” and this cycle appears to just repeat itself over and over. I think modern christians WANT to believe in a DIFFERENT sort of god other than the angry one who is often portrayed in the old testment in books such as chronicles and kings, etc.

        I do believe in a hell myself (we certainly get enough of a taste of it in this green lush realm) but as far as I have begun to understand it, it is a manifested solid creation of all of our worst fears and is a very personal unique mental construct. have you ever seen “What Dreams May Come” ?? I have done a lot of lucid dreaming and out of body travel and during my lucid travels my only enemy that ever really stopped me was my own fears- or forces out there who were strong enough to bend my mental state INTO a state of fear. for the most part, out in the realms when I have no fears I am like conan the barbarian or superman or something; I used to fly up and then slam down hard on the ground just to make my statement about it out there, back when I believed in myself more and was not as wounded spiritually. I learned a lot about the law of attraction in a lucid state because during a lucid it happens within seconds. all it takes is 3 seconds of fearing lets say… a wall of fire, and within 3 seconds out in the lucid world that’s exactly what you will get- a wall of fire coming at you. if you run from it your mind will put in even other newer fears and those will begin to manifest too. if you can find the mental strength to turn around and face the wall and create/throw ice at it and make it go away, you can be “master of this particular dream” but then there is always waking up into our thick reality where it doesn’t seem to have any bearing from the dream world. I know however that this thick realm we call life has the same basic principal rules, except it is lagged because of the collective mindpower of everyone else (and everyTHING else because their intelligence contributes to keeping this place solid) so when you try to change things in this place with just your mind, all you will usually hit is a brick wall… unless you are merlin the magician you wont make much success trying to “go lucid” on your surroundings. the same basic rules do apply and I know it is scary but I believe there are other thick realms where people keep each other in a lot more agony than this place (a virtual hell) and its not fun to talk about but I do believe they do GET OUT eventually, even if it means losing their mind first.

        be glad at least that in our thick realm it is still green and the sun is shining and for MOST of us, this realm isn’t a nightmare or a hell. I don’t think “god gets mad and punishes us” I think it is a combination of our own mental projection power(creating) combined with cause and effect (karma) that determines the flow of our lives in this super-thick-lucid-dream.

        I could talk on a lot of this more and it’s interesting. you should see the movie if you haven’t yet (what dreams may come). I think to the Christed One, our world was more like a lucid dream or a thick dream to him because of his immense power. this is how he could use his mental projection to walk on water and change things into his desire in our world. the kinds of things he could do in our world were the types of things I could do in my lucid dreams. I think he chose to come into our thick realm in that lifetime to show people they could have the power to carve through this collective dream(nightmare) if we had faith and love and worked together!

        1. So ditch the books and religious teachings and go with what is in your heart and what you Know and Believe. We are all capable of being Christed but only you can “save” yourself. It is what was taught and what was destined. It starts with you though – so change your beliefs, thoughts, and you will banish fear. <3

          1. I am beginning to understand it- I am beginning to understand that our true self is our -I- -AM!- and that FEAR is always trying to corrode our I AM self. it seems that either the “devil” or “god” from christianity is always trying to steal our I AM and make us hand it over to them and put all of our faith in them, instead of following my I AM self. so what I am beginning to believe is that BOTH of these figures from the holy book are probably not for my best interest when it comes to believing in MYSELF. its kind of funny. it is funny to preach/talk about what you have not experienced yourself before and then it is a real head trip when you actually go through it and walk the path. my mom is starting to realize this too, and I just got a book the other day on hopi prophecies and it talks about the rainbow kids they are expecting (or expected since the hippie days) to want to embrace their teachings and even some getting to join and live on reservations. I fit every single description of one of these “rainbow kids” except that I dont keep my hair long. my colorful collection of tye-dye shirts says otherwise. 😉 😉

            • Nicole on May 5, 2017 at 1:17 pm

            My wish for you is to choose Love over fear every single time, and your heart and mind will guide the way.

  2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yp6a9oYiaSQ – law of attraction (fear) (love) =

  3. as far as my color code on that rainbow of yours, my bar is probably so black you can’t see the letters.

    1. Well it’s up to us to dig ourselves out of that hole. I read an article last night about depression. Most of those don’t apply to me because mine is rooted in grief, but this one had some helpful hints in it and it was the analogy of digging yourself out of a deep hole with a plastic shovel. The shovel breaks, over and over, but you just go get yourself a new shovel and keep going.

      I can’t speak for you but I’ll remind you that I see no reason to be here on the planet right now except that I must supposed to be here, and that I believe if I leave of my own accord I’ll have to come back and redo this monstrosity of a mess. Nope, not doing that. So I keep reaching for the next plastic shovel. I had to do that last night and I think I broke several of them. But at some point I was able to replace the shitty vibration in my heart chakra and go to sleep. I’m actually about to write about that. And sorry it has been two weeks for a reply. I do read these, but I get so down sometimes I can’t reply <3

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