Apr 05

Musings for 4/5/2017

Every day, this is what I feel like inside. Some days are worse. This week, it has been worse and what that means is that I cannot keep it inside and it must come out. For those of you who are grieving along side me, I am so very sorry…for you…for us.

Earlier in the week I spoke to a friend who is also on a grieving journey. During our conversation she asked if maybe I could help others, and we also discussed finding happiness etc. again in our lives. I gave her an honest answer and have had two days to think about this because I realize that I have more work to do emotionally, no matter the outcome. By that I mean that I have to process, come to realizations, and be able to live with things. I do not mean that it will magically make my life better or happier.

As you know I have really tried to be real and so I am going to be real now. But you won’t like hearing what I have to say and it’s probably not very helpful either. The truth is, grief does not get better. It simply becomes a part of your life, like chronic pain. How many of you have chronic pain? I don’t, but I’ve talked to many and read about it and the consensus is that you learn to live with it. You modify your routines and your life so that it doesn’t completely debilitate you and you just live with it. But the pain is still there. Others may think “Oh! Sallie is feeling great today. Or she must be because I don’t see her limping or wincing or complaining!” When the truth is that Sallie has just learned to live with her pain. Or maybe she’s on pain pills, which just means that the pain is still there but it’s being masked. Maybe she’s in excruciating pain but has made lemonade out of lemons and is smiling through it, trying to make you feel more comfortable while she enjoys time not being alone. Because if Sallie is a downer, then you won’t want to hang out, and she will be in pain and alone, which sometimes is preferable but sometimes sucks even worse (especially when it’s because people don’t want to be around you).

All of us have grieved and will grieve, but not all grief is the same measure of length, depth, and intensity. All of those are based on the bond of love and thus the degree of feeling separation. I wish that I could give you the gift of knowing MY grief for just a few seconds, and with it the chance to recoil at your leisure never having to know that feeling again. Just like the commercial where the woman’s mother wears some device that let’s her feel her daughter’s migraine pain, it provides a pathway to empathy and understanding.

The truth is, there is no hope for this to “feel better.” There is no hope to move on, to be happy, to be anything really except to get to a place where I can stuff it down deep enough to act normally and perhaps forget it for a few minutes. How could I possibly help another when my first thought (at hearing someone’s child has died) is in regards to how this will be a lifetime of sadness, a prison sentence. I have no words of encouragement. I do have love. I have a lot of love, and empathy, but no words of encouragement.

And if you really look at life here on good old planet Earth, who is really happy? Yes, happiness is a state of mind. Every one of us is making lemonade out of lemons. Perhaps it’s a shitty job, or not enough money, or the three kids you love dearly make life a challenge (you still love them but life isn’t easy). Maybe you are in a bad relationship, or somehow otherwise got the short end of the stick. Daily life is a struggle. Why do you think so many people go out on a bender all weekend after they get paid on Friday? It’s because that’s all the enjoyment they have got, and by enjoyment I mean they get tanked, have some fun, and forget about their problems for awhile. But either way daily life is a struggle, and we try to enjoy it as best as we can while getting through it. We try to find the good points, the love, etc. and focus on those instead of the negative. And we HAVE TO DO THAT, because otherwise we would all just give up.

Does it have to be a struggle? I really cannot see why it does. I feel like something is horribly wrong here and we are just adept at accepting our fate. Many say “It’s God’s will.” Really? God wants you to suffer, be poor, sick, etc? Why? Some others would say it’s the dark forces, or Satan. And still others “Earth is a learning place. We come here to learn.” Well look folks, these somewhat contradictory points of view really just divided and conquered us, locking us in to one shitty thing or another but spun as something good and valuable. I ask with all sincerity, WTF???

And as I ask that, I acknowledge that I have gotten tremendous value and wisdom from my life experiences, both negative and positive. Even the most painful ones, I do not want to forget, ever, because I do not want to lose the value. But I am calling BS on “this,” whatever this is. I’m not entirely sure what this is, but it’s not good or right and it isn’t kind and loving. I have learned that if it’s not kind and loving, then it’s not where you need to be. So why, why are we here in this place of awful suffering, instead of somewhere kind and loving? I have no idea.

My flow is gone and so I know that’s the end of today’s tirade. I feel like it was a tirade anyway, but one that needed to be expressed even if no one reads it. I see you Illusion! And I’m coming for you!

#missingerin with every breath I take. At least I forgot for a few moments how horribly sad and how painful this is <3


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