I had a post started for 4 days now. I finally deleted it after I admitted to myself that I am so far down in the dumps that writing about being excited about, well anything, was not the energy I am feeling. I need to work this out like a math problem so let me backtrack to the last full moon around February 10th or 11th.
I had some pretty powerful dream experiences where I saw my mother and Erin several times, and anyway, it occurred to me after speaking with a friend that I was glimpsing the new timeline. If I’ve lost you, sorry. I have been pondering timelines for years and am convinced that we are collapsing the stray ones as we speak at this time in the Earth’s history. If you’re interested you’ll have to do some reading on quantum physics, the Mayans, and maybe even some new age stuff.
So I intended on the night of the full moon that I accept the new timeline into my life and release the old one. And I felt so good about it, excited, hopeful even. And then I forgot all about it.
Well last week I started having very strong and daily grief again. It has become difficult to go out to eat with Shaun. As soon as we are seated I immediately feel the missing presence of Erin, and it ruins my entire meal. I fight tears as I try to make small talk and eat my food. What I really want to do is to scream out how badly I am hurting, how much I miss her, and how everything sucks without her here. And let’s not forget how I am slowly dying inside, painfully dying, and extremely miserable and don’t know how I will continue to go on.
This is now a daily thing again. I have cried buckets already today, and have that deep longing in my heart that only being with my child again can fix. I don’t expect you to understand unless your child has also been ripped away from you. It’s not something you can fathom.
It’s like I’m grieving anew, nearly as strong as I did in the earliest days. I’ve started having PTSD again too about her time in the hospital and otherwise. I can even smell it. Yay for me.
I haven’t bothered yet to mention that I’m also having trouble with basic knowledge and stuff I’ve been studying. Like I’m re-learning it. I guess I let go of part of that stuff when I accepted the new timeline. And now I’m a little afraid of this new world that I find myself in. I always bite off more than I can chew and end up choking on it for a bit. I guess that’s what I did here – jumped right in. But oh well, whatever. The past and present sure sucks so I guess I am all in for some adventure into the new.
Thanks for listening. It’s still a daily struggle to deeply know that my child died so that, in the grand cosmic scheme of things, I could truly know and understand love.
After note: Before I could hit publish, I came across this article. I encourage you to read it, as it talks about how the consciousness (soul) is eternal. http://www.homeplanetearth.org/quantum-theory-proves-consciousness-moves-another-universe-death/
Love and blessings <3 #missingerin