Dec 13

Musings for 12/13/2016

I started this yesterday but was unable to finish. We have been keeping Anna Kate, Erin’s best friend, after school for the past week and I ran out of time before she got here. I wonder how hard it is for her? It was very hard for me the first day but now I find myself excited that she is coming, but sad at the same time because Erin should be here with her. She sits at Erin’s spot at the kitchen table and quietly listens to music and does homework and doesn’t talk with us until we engage her. I wonder if she remembers that was Erin’s spot? No one else sits there and in fact, we no longer use our table to eat on. But I’m glad she sits there. It’s nice.

I was going to write this yesterday as a letter to Erin, but it’s too depressing to do that. She was due on 12/12, and if she had been born that day, maybe her numerology would have laid out a different path for her. If you don’t believe in that fine, but everything is divine timing no matter what label you put on it.

Third birthday without her, coming up on third Xmas, already been third Halloween and Thanksgiving. And on top of that I have been sick since Saturday morning with a cold and stomach virus. Both of us have. I feel better now except for the dang sinus headache. I was off most of the day Monday but  unable to sleep due to a neighbor dog that keeps barking. It’s becoming a real nuisance, but anyway, not the dog’s fault. Oh one more thing to complain about…needed some top coat for my nails that I painted. Discovered I had given all of mine to my aunt along with some polish, so I checked my mother’s cabinet and there was some! I said thank you Mom, filled with gratitude. Come to find out I couldn’t open the darn bottle no matter how hard I twisted it. There has to be a message there but my desire to find it is lost. I opened the bottle after Anna Kate got here. So it must have been an energy thing.

I am unmotivated. I am uninterested in most things. And I find that I respond with irritation when asked to express my feelings on any subject (pretty much). I am going back into one of those quiet modes and can’t seem to do much about it. I have put a lot of time, effort, and money so far into studying for the PMP but really am not interested in it in the least. I’m not yet ready to take the test but need to get ready so that I can move on in whatever direction, but having finished the time and money investment. I don’t know if I’m unfulfilled because of my grief, or if it is just time for me to take a new direction in life. I’ve really got no clue whatsoever but hope that 2017 brings illumination.

We pretty much decided to forget selling the house at all. Neither of us has the energy for it. But I suspect that if the stars align and we see it, we will sell it anyway. But who knows. We have a 5 bedroom house that used to be a home. Now all that it’s good for is for drunk people to crash in when they can’t get a ride home. Sad but brutally honest and true. I don’t begrudge them that, and have a good time with my good friends who we let stay, but a comparison of life as a family and life now is sad and depressing. For those of you who feel trapped in your adult, family life…if it’s taken away you will miss it terribly.

I think I only have complaints and despair today so I am going to cut it short. Thank you though to everyone who remembered Erin on her birthday. There were many of you and we appreciated it immensely even if we were unable to say it. Thank you so much for loving our baby as much as we do.

#missingerin <3

 

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