I can’t believe it is December. I am sure I blank that out in my mind as long as I can so that I don’t have to face December. Erin’s 13th birthday is coming up on 12/11 and then there is the dreaded Christmas holiday. UGH. Funny how something we loved so much is now so dreaded and hated. I don’t expect you to understand, though, and I’m glad you don’t actually. If you don’t understand, you are still living the dream of being with your loved ones, and I’m reluctantly happy for you.
I almost did not write reluctantly, but let’s face it, I covet what you have. I can’t help it and have stopped apologizing for it. It physically hurts me to see your happy family when I walk down the street of my neighborhood, or when I go to the grocery store, or anywhere else. Even seeing fake families (like on TV) hurts. The whole gd thing hurts and it sucks. Now that I have gotten that out of the way…
I had another realization last week after my last post that I was reluctant to accept, and I mean about being there for people when their body dies. For many years I have known that I am a bridge. I am the person who can bridge the gaps between “groups” and individuals and find common ground. Sort of an ambassador of sorts, bridging one reality with another. I’ve long thought my journey would bring me to some sort of employment where I did that on a daily basis or as a primary task, and knew that as things change in our world I could help others to bridge the gap and transition without fear. Well la dee dah, what did I think I was doing sitting with people while they die? Thanks universe. I guess you gave me what I asked for in a weird way. I do hope that my presence and energy assisted them with their transition, and as I said I would do it again if called to do so. UGH. But on another note, nothing else could possibly be quite so hard so touche universe. Did I complete my training well?
I received a call from the family member that I had mentioned was upset, etc. To respect privacy I plan to be very vague but there is a reason that I mention this. I still disagree wholeheartedly with that person’s words and thus views; however, the sentiment from both of us was LOVE. And really, isn’t that what matters? I talk about it a lot and I realize that not everyone is in the same “space” as I am regarding unconditional love. But there was nothing more to discuss. I love you was both of our message. It was what mattered. I don’t have to agree with that person or condone their actions or words, but I do love them unconditionally. And I believe that love will transform both of us. I don’t have to be attached to how or when because none of those are important.
Now, please don’t misunderstand. You can love unconditionally and still not place yourself in an unsafe or unloving situation. An example: I may have unconditional love for my abusive boyfriend but it would not be safe to have him in my life. I would thus leave the situation immediately and love myself enough to do so. Unconditional love does not mean subjecting yourself to abuse or danger. I recommend Matt Kahn for more on this topic, and echo his repeated sentiments that if you are in any danger to leave the situation immediately.
Other than this, I am internally in some eruptive state like a volcano. A lot is boiling under the surface and I have a very short attention span as well as bouts of, well, lots of things. I can’t sleep then I can’t wake up, I am jittery and yet lethargic. I certainly cannot meditate at this time. Even my sacred space (inner space) is having an earthquake as I discovered last night. December is just not a good month.
I guess that’s all for today. I have also decided to start writing articles again. Some may be on the blog, and for you non-interested folks I’ll keep my daily (yeah right, lol) blog called Musings and will title anything other appropriately.
Love, Blessings, Peace, Prosperity, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3