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Nov 09

Musings for 11/9/2016

Last night was a hard night. I became somewhat depressed as Shaun and I were headed out to buy new undershirts. You know, the thing is, I never know when that is coming. It just arrives like an uninvited guest and takes over the whole party. So I got in the car that way, but tried to make conversation and shoo it away.

I guess I pissed It off though, because half way to Marshall’s something he said took me into a full blown PTSD moment. You have no idea what that is like if you have never experienced it. I sure didn’t, and might have even thought it wasn’t real (I don’t remember). Trust me – it is real. They come on like a movie but in virtual reality – sound, color, moving pictures, smell, and most of all feelings. The feelings overcome you and there you are, back in a moment that was painful. PTSD never brings back happy moments.

This particular moment was of me yelling at Erin. I was perhaps angrier with her than I ever had been, and it wasn’t really even her fault. I was angry with Shaun, and she said something that sounded like a repeat of what she had heard, and I flew all over her. It was sometime in 2014 and we were in the car. It was incredibly unfair and I’m sure it was incredibly hurtful to her and I never apologized. Re-experiencing that last night was so painful that I wished for death, as I could not take it anymore. All of this and it’s going on inside of me, not visible to the outside. I don’t know what is worse, holding it all in or the experience. It was awful to say the least.

I had no idea why I decided to share this with you until after I wrote the last sentence. I know that a lot of people have taken this election rhetoric as a license to say hurtful things. Please, don’t. Most people probably aren’t awful people and if that is you, those things you say will overwhelm you with regret one day. You can’t unsay them, and even if you have the luxury of apologizing they will come back to haunt you in the form of deep regret, shame, and sorrow. Your actions too…you cannot undo a hateful or unkind action.

Aside from my obvious sorrow, I have relived every unkind word and action to my daughter, and some to my mother, over and over again since their bodies died. I do not do it on purpose. You won’t either, and it will be painful. It is painful enough for me to wish for, and sometimes even beg for, death. But it won’t end there either, as my soul will forever carry the knowledge and experiences.

Our world needs kindness more than ever. Please be kind and gentle, loving and compassionate. <3

Love, Peace, and Blessings. #missingerin and #LovingErin

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