Nov 02

Musings for 11/2/2016

nine-year-cycleThis week I have been somewhat bombarded with messages about cycles ending and things coming to completion. I did a tarot reading for a friend and all over her reading was the number 9. I used a graphic from the Mystical Numbers website, and this is what they say about 9:

This is the time to come to terms with all that you have accomplished during the current cycle.

….

Now is the time to wrap things up. You also need to forgive and forget whatever you have lost or not accomplished.

OK, don’t laugh too hard with me. I don’t feel I have accomplished too much but I will at least tell you an interesting story of events below.

My friend’s reading was the first clue that I got, but nope, I didn’t notice it. Anyone who gives psychic readings, tarot readings, etc. usually notices not only a pattern for the day or week, but also that most of their clients are going through the same things that they are, at least on a high level. I think the universe designs it like this so that you get some bang from your buck while you are spending your time reading. (If you note that money isn’t the only thing exchanged with clients, bravo!)

So anyway, I was completely oblivious to what was in it for me. Or rather the revelations that the next few days would bring.

I should note that while I have processed through a lot of baggage regarding my childhood and relationship with my mother, there are residuals there. The Cliff Notes: Bad childhood, irresponsible and alcoholic mother (father died when I was 4), grew up very dysfunctional as a human and am still moving through it at age 45.

For the past two days I have been seeing two different things come up. One is the 9 year cycle, and the fact that we are finishing a cycle that began in 2007. Remember, 9’s are completion. You (hopefully) master it and then move to something new and more exciting. Second, the 4 year cycle that began on 12/21/2012 is coming to an end. This 4 year cycle was a holding period, almost a period of “no time” so to speak, between the end of the Mayan long calendar and, well, the New. 4 is a number associated with the heart as the heart chakra is the 4th chakra.

I don’t know what you had going on back in 2007, but my step father died on 1/20 of that year and threw my world, and my mother’s, into complete chaos. He left her destitute (and I am not joking – I mean that literally) and eventually homeless when his children repossessed her home, and whether or not she had it prior, she spiraled into the dementia that finally killed her. It was difficult at best. I could write an entire book describing her behavior and all of the anger I had dealing with it. Most of all, I had for most purposes become the adult in my house around age 7, and here I was again, as an adult trying to live my life with my own family, having to be the Mother again to her when I really didn’t want to be. It was her job, and she was never up for it. It really sucked and I don’t recommend anyone “doing that” to their children.

Fast forward to 2012…the unthinkable happened when Mom had to move in with us. It changed our lives, ruined them actually, and she was diagnosed with dementia formally that year. I believe my daughter also developed the alleged lymphoma that eventually killed her that year, as that fall she had swollen lymph glands under her armpit for the first time. You will have to read the entire story at Missing Erin, as I can’t bear to retell it. Regardless of what fate had in store, I know that my mother being here was a catalyst for the whole damn thing, and it really did ruin the last 2 years of Erin’s life, and that is a fact even though at that point my mother couldn’t help it.

I had high hopes for 2012 and also for 2014, years that ended very badly. I thought they were the end of something and the new was beginning. I had no idea I was in a holding pattern that was going to transform my Heart and all that the heart means and is.

So I guess seeing so much mention of these two cycles coming to completion gives me some sort of hope. I have a lot to spiritually show for it but you know, what I want physically is not here. But wait, I’m not done yet.

Over the last two days I had a bit of an ongoing argument over language and judgment towards females. I finally blurted out that I was tired of the judgment and of judging. I’m just so tired of it, no matter who it’s toward or what it’s about. I don’t want to do it anymore, and I don’t want to listen to others do it. There seems to be nothing but disdain, double standards, ugly words, and unfair judgment towards people these days and such little love and acceptance. I’m tired and tired of that. I don’t want to play this game anymore for sure.

Once I said this idea, the other person reminded me of the harsh judgment I have passed on my mother all of these years and how I am now telling them to stop judging anyone for the same things. Ah, they were right. It was true and I admitted it. I would never have seen this if I had not had this argument etc. I have been working a lot on “letting go” and was surprised to see this come up to let go of.

The truth is, I have very harshly judged my Mother for her behavior and lack of responsibility over my entire life. I was bitter that I didn’t have a childhood where I could just be a kid. I was forced to grow up very fast, and I have gratitude for the fact that I was able to adult at such a young age. I was very mature mentally for my age, but that came at the price of my emotional maturity. Like I said, I’m still working on that.

It is bittersweet to look back on the design of things, how I was the Mother so young, then tried desperately to reclaim my childhood by avoiding responsibility. Even when I was a mother myself, I rejected it in many ways. I certainly rejected mothering my mother again in 2012. And now I’ve had the last 2 years to come to terms with all that I regret, all that I have lost, who I don’t want to be and who I am. My heart has died and been reborn with more love than I can communicate in words but at what price? I would pay the price again because I know the value, but it makes me sad to think of the cost.

Wish me luck in purging this residual – ?? – that I have discovered. And wish us all luck in this next cycle beginning in 2017. We sure need it don’t we <3

#missingerin and #LovingErin , Namaste and Nutsmaste <3

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