Oct 31

Musings for 10/31/2016

angelofdeathI chose this today because I feel like death, and this was the prettiest Angel of Death that I could find. I looked at some Grim Reapers but that didn’t really cover the subtleties of how I am feeling. I really feel like another dark night of the soul is upon me. Another spiritual death. What could easily be a physical death if I just let go. Yes, it feels that way (and no, I don’t mean by my own hand).

Everywhere people are dead or dying. And if their bodies are alive they are likely dying on the inside. One would hope that the nice Angel in the picture would just go ahead and stab us with that sword and get it over with already. Why do we have to keep suffering? I can’t come up with a good reason. I have pondered it, too, and cannot come up with a good reason. All of it – the lessons, the value, the (insert here) from my life as Nicole, I get it. I find that I learn very little these days so I’ve either almost got it or I’m in a holding pattern. Either way, the continued suffering seems cruel and unusual. Maybe I’ve talked about that before, and maybe not. I can’t remember at this point.

I loved Halloween all of my life. And now, I HATE Halloween. It ranks up there with Christmas as my most dreaded time of the year. Perhaps it is more dreaded, because at least on Christmas you don’t have to turn all of your lights off and hide to avoid people ringing your doorbell. It was our first holiday without Erin, and even though she’s only been away 2 years, this is our 3rd Halloween without her.

I still remember what it would be like if she was here. Aside from the decorations and preparation, our entire day would have been immersed in the excitement of dressing up and getting out there early. She probably would have been going with a friend, either here or in their immediate neighborhood, and had some pizza or other snack before going out with at least 2 pumpkins to gather candy. I always let her pick her own costume, but at least 2 or 3 years she picked a kitty cat. Her last she picked Clawdine Wolf from Monster High and it came with a beautiful red wig. I still have the costume and will probably keep it forever.

Shaun and I usually traded off for Halloween “duty.” I don’t know why now, and I am telling you – BOTH of you parents go with your kid. I didn’t go on the last one and boy, I regret it now. It was my turn to stay home and hand out candy, but who cares. I would rather have one last Halloween memory. So don’t make my mistake. I post these things so at least one person out there will get it and not have the same regrets that I do. Hell, I hope you learn from me and have very few regrets or none at all. That’s my wish for you.

I have been depressed all day and have done little work or taken a bath yet. Sorry work, I have done what was asked just nothing extra. Maybe soon I will brush my teeth so that I don’t knock Shaun down when he gets home.

I have really been depressed since I got into bed last night. I felt empty. It was a very palpable feeling and I verbalized it in order to bring it fully into my conscious awareness. Running away from the feelings doesn’t help at all so I try to acknowledge and embrace them as soon as they manifest.

Oh, and add to it that I’ve been having premonition dreams for about a week now. Apparently someone I know has lung cancer, and someone I know on FaceBook may be dead soon also. I meditated on it and was told who and how, but I would like to think I’m a terrible psychic and that I am full of shit. So I’ll go with that and hope for the best.

So blah blah, Happy Freaking Halloween guys. I know I am a terrible buzz kill. If no one reads this one I don’t blame them. I just had to write it how I felt it today.

Peace, love and blessings. #missingerin <3

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