I had this all written out in my mind just before I went to sleep last night. I do that sometimes with things like emails, return texts, this. I do it down to the periods and commas. Then I wake up the next day and in my mind (LOL) I have already replied and forgotten about it. At least I didn’t forget to write again today, but I am sure I have forgotten the eloquence that I thought I had achieved with what I “head wrote.” ha ha
I want to write about flow, and when I say flow I mean when something is “flowing” versus when it is “stuck.” But first, I want to acknowledge that I am amazed that I have not seen my Erin in over 2 years. I never in my life thought that I could cry on a daily basis for a period this long. I guess I cry bitter tears, because after the first few months of crying my tears began burning. Yes, they physically burn in my eyes. I suppose that this will go on forever, even though I can’t fathom that either. I think now of other friends who are without their children and I am so sorry that you and I have to endure this hell on earth.
The picture that I have inserted above, I took on Monday while I was doing my “jog” – I’ve been trying to do the couch to 5K training program and I go out for 30 minutes 3 days a week. I was jogging around the pond in Coventry where I live, and I was sad. Erin loved to walk down to the pond, and the last time she and a friend went up there by themselves I got very angry with her because I was worried. They left by themselves on her bikes and there were strange workmen working up that way. So it makes me sad that she loved it, and that I yelled at her. And as I was thinking this I looked up and saw this image in the cloud. I guess it’s a butterfly? Or maybe an angel. Either way I knew it was there just for me, and it is so distinct. As another friend said today about something else, just in time.
It relates to flow, because at that moment I was not resisting or denying my sadness, and so the flow was there. Effortlessly, I got a message that I needed in that moment, as I was in my flow of feeling. I am a pusher – I push things that I want accomplished and I push hard. I engineer, I logistically create a plan, I visualize and put a lot of energy behind that plan. But brute force doesn’t always get you to where you need to be. Your flow will, and even if you are like me you will recognize the flow when you have yielded to it (even if you don’t know it).
I tried to brute force the situation with my mother. I tried to brute force Erin’s illness to resolution. I have tried to brute force many things and on occasion it works out “fine” and I think Ok, I did this. That’s not exactly correct though. Most of the time brute force is done out of some sort of fear. Fear that you won’t be on time, that your car will need to be fixed, that your husband will leave you, that … something … insert here. So we push and push, even though all we are really doing is pushing against the other thing that we don’t want.
I realize that I am not explaining this well, but hopefully someone out there feels me! A recent example for me is selling my home. It is not flowing, and so I know that it’s time to just throw my hands up and say ok universe, you do what you want to do. (Like it won’t do that anyway!). I put a lot of effort into getting it on the market, getting it market ready, pulled out all the stops for realtors who wanted to see it, open houses, etc. I even did some alchemy whereby I soaked up all of our personal energies from the house into a crystal so that it didn’t “reek” of our energy when potential buyers came in. I separated myself emotionally from the house, and we stopped using all but a few rooms. Yet no buyers came which on the surface makes no sense for several reasons I won’t go into here. But it makes perfect sense to me. It’s not time, or something, yet. No amount of me pushing would help things. In fact, if I had pushed harder (lowered the price for instance), I may have hurt. If we had lowered the price it would hurt us, as well as our neighbors’ property value. So nope, I need to just give it back and get back in the flow. There’s a saying – Let Go and Let God. You all know that saying. That’s what I mean.
How do you know when you’re in your flow? It feels good. My friend R.E. has taught me a lot about the flow. He does what feels good and discards the rest. I think he has become a master at it by this point, and his life flows very well from what I can see. Easier said than done, I know. R.E. lives by himself and doesn’t have to contend with some life stuff others of us have to. But through his circumstances, he was blessed to be able to master the flow. And you know all of that hundredth monkey stuff…the more people that “get” it the more people will. It will become effortless for us to be just be, and to do what is natural in any given moment.
I had nearly forgotten WHY I wanted to write this but just remembered because it’s important. I am so tired of feeling bad about feeling bad. I feel less than. I am not good at my spiritual path because I can’t just get over my grief. I apologize to Erin and to the universe about being sad, all the time, then I say I won’t apologize for it anymore (and I do anyway). I’m less than because I like to go out and drink beer. I’m less than because I am not able to do this, or that, or whatever. How many of you judge yourselves and feel bad because you don’t meet some standard you think is important? I bet all of you, or most of you.
Today I’m not preaching or teaching to you. I’m talking about my emotions which are very real and very present. I practice I Love You’s to myself and others, and I have began practicing gratitude. I know that I am doing the best I can in most cases. Sometimes I get so tired I don’t, but I am clear with myself that I just don’t care (I really do, it usually lasts a second or two). I cry out to the universe and ask WHY, and WHEN will this be over with? HOW can I enjoy life at all after everything? How much longer do I have to live with this pain, and when will it all make sense? Haven’t I made the grade by now?
So hang in there. That’s all I’ve got. We are in this together, each and every one of us, and we cannot make it alone I promise you that. I don’t have the answers. I do know that when I need it the most, I always get a sign that helps me to keep going just like the picture I included today. Maybe my blog today is your sign or maybe you will get something more personal. Either way, I Love You, and you are Love(d). <3
Namaste, #missingerin, #LovingErin