Oct 17

Musings for 10/17/2016

UGH…that’s the closest I can come to the big sigh I just let out. My sense of humor wants to say “Better than a fart, eh?” but truthfully that is just me creating a diversion for myself. This last week has been hard. I don’t talk about it every day, but every day I have to dig myself out of the muck to keep moving forward. It hasn’t gotten any easier and I don’t expect that it ever will be. My better days come when I gain some understanding, but then once I do understand, I find myself on a plateau that doesn’t feel much different from where I was before. It makes sense really…when you are comfortable in an environment or energy, you tend to forget how different it is from the place you were before, especially if it was a subtle change to begin with.

Totally not what I thought I would write today! But here I am or rather here we are. I am somewhat confused about my inability to sell my house and literally “move” on. It took so long to muster up the courage to say I can let this go and move, and then nothing. No thing at all. We have had one person look at our home, a few realtors, and two moderately successful open houses (judging by the number of participants only). My house is not overpriced, and it’s in pristine condition. I know what this means…it’s not flowing, the timing or something isn’t right, and it’s time to throw in the towel. That is somewhat of a relief, but the truth is that I cannot LIVE here. I don’t mean be here, I mean LIVE. And on the other hand, it was such a hard decision to leave and I’m not sure I can make that decision again. I am at least comfortable in this pain. I am loathe to irritate my still-open wounds by more emotional upheaval. **sigh**

The fact is, NOTHING in my physical life is moving. Not my desire for a change in job duties, not my house, and not a whole list of mundane things that I am currently rolling around in my mind. Why am I stagnant? Or am I? I really am not sure but I feel like I am. I’m sure there is a good reason why I am not having movement, and one day I will say “Oh, that was it.” But it’s very frustrating right now.

And I’m trying to let go and move. I don’t know what I’m holding on to really. I’ve had everything ripped away from me until I’m nothing but flesh and bone walking around dazed and confused. I do and I don’t understand what I apparently planned for this lifetime. I do what is asked of me, the right thing for any given situation, and I have tried to learn from and atone for old mistakes and wrong-doings. I feel damned if I turn away from life, and damned if I embrace it. Does anyone else feel that way? I can’t imagine that I am the only person who does.

I have to laugh because I just had this image of me as a child, and it’s a real image. Every time that I would get in a bumper car, no matter where or when, mine would not go. Everyone else’s would go but mine would just barely move or just stay where it was. That was shown to me just as I imagined myself as the person in an inner tube who wasn’t moving with the flow of the current, all of my friends passing me by but me just staying mid-stream. I guess I need to ponder that one some more today.

So with that somber note, wishing you all peace and blessings. Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

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