Boy do I have a lot to write about today, but first I will go ahead with the obligatory remembrance of 9/11. While some see it differently, me and many others like me saw it at the time as an event that resulted in an outpouring of compassion instead of something else. Compassion for our fellow humans, both “victim” and other. For those of you who know me, no I do not believe the official story. But, I did witness the horror that the perpetrators visited upon Earth, for the entirety of our planet was affected and continues to be today in so many ways. I invite you to choose Love instead of hate, vengeance, fear, or anything else really. Just choose Love.
Now back to me 🙂 I have a very self-serving need to express myself today. Never in my life before the past two years have I had such introspection on a daily basis. I did a lot of introspection when I went through the emotional clearing processes that I learned back in the late 90’s, but nothing like this. Then I had to go looking for what was affecting me. Now it slaps me right in the face on an almost constant basis.
I had a very nice week in FL and was kept quite busy. On a few occasions I had to look away from things – families, children, etc. – but for the most part I was in a nice joyful bubble and quite enjoyed myself for the first extended time in awhile with just a few bumps in the road. The morning I woke up longing for Erin was hard as was that day, but I’m speaking overall.
That promptly ended in the airport yesterday. I saw more little girls and their daddies and mommies than I could withstand. In the line to get on one plane, I stood behind one of them and quietly cried. My face gets beet red and swollen when I cry just a little, so I had to hold it in or I would have looked a mess for 30-40 minutes. But I had to let it out for a minute or two.
Coming home wasn’t any better. I have trouble leaving my house…seems I also have trouble coming home to it after an extended absence. I really expected her to be here. And I was so tired I had to take a nap, but so sad that I cried myself to sleep.
The irony is that earlier in the day I had been thinking of packing up her things when we eventually move, wondering if I really wanted to leave this house. Almost deciding I did not. We have an open house today…so it came up in my mind. I believe that I got my answer, though. I just can’t stay here. I had a day full of PTSD experiences yesterday and certainly being here does not help me to focus elsewhere. This was supposed to be my sanctuary, but instead it became failed dreams and sadness.
I guess I will get a final answer from the Universe today. I feel strongly we may get a buyer this time. But who knows. I have to let it go and let the Great Mystery handle it.
In other news, I began reading the RA Material (Law of One) yesterday and it made a lot of sense. I wonder why I haven’t read it before to be honest, but it makes sense in a way because I’m embarking on a new stage of my journey. I could feel that strongly this week. Change is messy, though, and so I would rather it just be instantaneous. Plus I’m weary. I have nothing left but Love inside of me. I hope something nice grows from that.
Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3