Ok, so the irony is that I am here typing, but the reality is that I am in a mode again where I am unable to express. I forced myself to begin blogging again the other day and I think it has been helpful even though I haven’t followed through with much of anything else. I have ignored a mentored tarot reading through the ITF (International Tarot Foundation) for the last almost 2 weeks, and finally explained myself. She was gracious enough to let me off the hook and I told her I needed to take a break. I started the reading yesterday and it was actually going to be quite interesting, but I lost the flow and just can’t make myself go back to it. Everything outside of myself is a burden right now.
In fact, I am probably having to take on an extra burden for work next week for four days, and I am honestly mad about it since it’s not my responsibility in the first place. I suppose the person shoving it my way isn’t thinking that Monday won’t be a good day for me, and that Thursday is my birthday and won’t be a good day for me either. Seeing the dates on the calendar just sucks ass. I know they are just days, I know they only have the significance that I assign to them. I also know that no matter how much time has passed, I don’t have to relive the event or the loss of not seeing someone on my birthday, or whatever. But the reality is that I do. So I have to go and smile and shit with people next week when I really do not want to do that. If you run into me with my sparkling attitude next week, it’s all fake in case you wonder.
And here’s another irony…I’m about to talk about Joy. I haven’t really consulted my guidance, meditated, or anything of the sort in a bit now, but last week I was told loud and clear that the key to everything is the vibration of joy. I had to write a specific friend and admit that I was having trouble with the idea of accepting Joy into my life. I haven’t yet admitted it publicly so here I am. How do you invite Joy in, when everything that should be joyful is missing something integral to the joy? And here I am going to go all psycho analytical on me and you too…Joy comes from within, not with out. You don’t find joy outside of yourself. It doesn’t need any one or any thing else to happen.
But everyone who has come across that epiphany hasn’t lost their child. I’ve learned these things since I’ve been grieving. I have said it before but I have had to eat many words I spewed out upon others as self-help type teachings. I’ve felt myself cringe when replaying things I’ve said to others, knowing now that I had no context and thus no empathy for them. I have realized that NO WHERE in self-help, metaphysical teachings, religious teachings, or even grief counseling does anything address, or adequately address, the loss of a child. Nothing, nowhere. I promise you that. And I have come to the mental conclusion that it is because there is no cure for this ill. No one knows how to make the hurting stop, and no one knows how to help.
Those that think they know how, it’s clear they have not lost a child. I don’t know how to help you either. I have cried for many friends who I have seen go through my pain since mine began, knowing it’s a freaking life sentence. it’s a death sentence. You’re screwed. And all of the shit that people say to be helpful is more hurtful for the most part. I can’t very well write and sell a book called You’re Screwed now can I? Why is buying that? Well maybe the people who want the painful truth instead of the other shit well-meaning people and grief counselors tell them. But most people don’t want that.
As a reminder, I’m not a licensed counselor but I had years of emotional clearing experience and training from a metaphysical teacher. Had I NOT had this life experience, I would have been so much worse off than I am. I had done very much inner work that had prepared me for the shit storm of, well, shit, that I’ve been through over the past few years. Which is why I didn’t find grief counseling all that helpful. I had done the majority of work that they prescribed before. I did find some of it helpful though and had a really nice counselor. I probably should have told her I was done and gave her a goodbye. Anyway…
Since nothing can relieve my pain, I have tried to focus on being a better person. For many reasons really. First, I do not want Erin’s body’s death to be in vain. I need to ensure it has some value and in that sense, I will do what I’m called to do. I haven’t been very proactive but my adult life has been on a track towards helping others. And I think that becoming a better person and helping others is a nice tribute to her. She was kind and loving and helpful, and so I want to be more so. Also, I am a firm believer that if I don’t live out my purpose here, I will have failed and have to reincarnate again and go through the same heartache and pain. I need to get this right, whatever right is. But I can’t get it right if I throw the towel in and leave this body. It’s not my time yet, or I would have died of heart break already. And on a slightly different bent, I understand what so many are going through. If helping them is simply telling them that I love them and I care, well, then pencil me in for the remainder of my life here.
The biggest irony is that I never understood, not in my heart or fully, unconditional love until Erin was gone. It could have been beautiful if I had while she was still here, but it took her passing out of my sight and grasp for me to download that into my being and feel it in my heart. That really sucks, but in another way it has completely changed my life. I see on a daily basis that people don’t understand unconditional love. They misjudge it, reject it, and mostly because they don’t feel it. They can’t get it if they don’t feel it, and I don’t know how to give it to them. I guess with my actions and emotions. Maybe I am now an unconditional love inoculation device. I’ll go with that. It makes me feel like I have a purpose. LOL
And so I’m gong to stop this long rambling now and get more coffee. I really had no idea what I was going to say when I began, which is why I like blogging so much. You’re not hearing the mental me, you’re hearing what’s deep inside of me pouring out onto paper (well, screen).
I love you all and send you blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3 <3