I have not written in a few days, again, but this time it’s because I’ve been busy in my “free” time. We jointly decided that it’s time to move. He hates being at home, I have to leave, but even when I’m here I am in a prison. In this prison – prison of memories – some rooms I cannot enter. I don’t even look at them when I pass, I look away, or do that thing where you focus but don’t really “see” anything. Either way my sanctuary is not a sanctuary. It’s a prison of pain. And so it’s finally time to go.
Packing up Erin’s things will be difficult to say the least. In case you haven’t followed, her room is exactly how it was left for the most part. I cleaned it up last year but other than the fact that I had to put her things away when we came home the last time, it’s just like it was. Her playroom is very close to how it was. I was told I have to clean it up before we can show our house. I understand. I also understand that I don’t need to keep all of her Barbie stuff, but it was so beloved. And anything given away, it needs to go to someone who will truly love it. Love it. But no one will love it like she did.
We are not leaving McMullen Cove. We really love it here, but we are leaving Coventry. It is painful to drive home through our neighborhood. We are going to build a home in Silo Hill, across in the gated side. Erin liked that old silo and she and her daddy used to ride bikes up the trail beside it. We have tentatively picked lot 29 for those of you who are into numerology. I think it bodes better than this lot, 69. Erin hated this house and I could never see far into the future me living here. I always wondered why, and now I know. This was supposed to be our last house, our home. We built it to accommodate everyone, including my mother. Had visions of possibly housing Shaun’s brother Greg one day due to his health issues. All 3 died in 2014. I don’t know what that means specifically but it is relevant and related.
And it’s really too bad. This is a beautiful house and we have the best neighbors, as a group, than we have ever had anywhere. Yes, in Arbor Woods we had two neighbors who were fantastic and are still friends, but there were others not so great. This entire street is filled with kind, caring, and wonderful people though. They stood with us during Erin’s illness and her body’s death. At least we won’t be far from them and in the same community overall. It is still sad to “leave” them though.
For those of you who say “It’s good to move on,” well hold on a second… We aren’t moving on. We are moving – maybe moving through but just moving. And yes, it’s a good thing, because otherwise we would just be stuck. Energy needs to move for us to grow and not be stagnant. Ever get the urge to deep clean your home? Redecorate? That’s energy movement. Updating to the new. In our case we have to go to a new spot of land. This one was meant for someone else all along, we just didn’t know it.
If you are wondering, Erin will have a room in our new home. It probably won’t get painted “Erin” purple, or have all of her stuff hanging on the walls, but it will be hers and have all of her things in it. Like my friend SC said on FaceBook this morning, I may not have a child but I am still a mother. And my child needs a room. I can’t take credit for this one though. It was Shaun’s idea. I guess part of me needed permission and so maybe he was divinely inspired to help me make this change.
So today we reserve our lot, continue trying to decide on a house plan, and this week the house will go on the market. I don’t know where we will go but I hope it sells quickly so that I don’t lose my nerve. Even though I know this is the right decision, it’s a difficult one and will be easy for me to second guess. By the way, I’ve already done that, but thanks to another dear, sweet friend SE, I got a sweet message from Erin who said she wants us to be settled. I couldn’t have put it better myself, because that is what we have been aiming for all along. At least we will finally plant our pretty butterfly bushes that I got for Mother’s Day last year <3
That’s all for today. Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3