Apr 11

Musings for 4/11/2016

Dough_tortoras_05172013Can I just say UGH? Some weeks are better than others, and this one stinks already. I am in a steady state of missing my Erin and it’s like a searing pain all the time. I try to make the best use of what I have to give in service to others, but there is no joy in anything. Those of you who have lost children, you know what I mean. The others of you, you try to but there is no way to know this type of pain. It colors everything for the remainder of your time in your body here on Earth.

So that is where I am right now, this week. I have little much to say but was compelled to write, so I hope that I am able to make good use of this blog today.

I was just contemplating all that I have lost, and how empty I feel, and decided to draw my tarot card for today. I drew a 10 of Cups, reversed. Very fitting >> Broken Home. If upright it’s a completion, a celebration, happy people and happy family. None of that here.

I ask the question, will this ever end? Why am I still here? When can I leave? But I know the answer…and I will not get a reprieve. I have to fly at the end of the month, and secretly hope for a plane crash to put me out of my misery. But that plane won’t crash, and even if it did, I would just wake up horribly disfigured to finish out this lifetime. I know these things. They are sad and even doomy and gloomy, but true. There is no way out for me until I, and dare I say this, find joy again. That’s just the sort of impossible task order I would give myself in the space between incarnations. “I can do this! I know I can! Piece of cake! It’s not that long of a time anyway, and then I can come back here and be happy.” Wow, did I even understand the enormity of the sorrows I had scheduled for this life? Because it’s been a long string of them, over and over, and aside from the deaths it’s been a life of chaos and utter shit. I was provided for and relatively safe, but you know what? I would trade that for a lifetime of love at any minute. There is some poor loved bastard, living in his or her car, wishing for what I have. They don’t know what they have though, or they would be happy with it. I didn’t know what I had either, sort of but not really. Now I do, it’s painfully evident.

I cringe now when I hear unkindness from others. Judging others and placing blame has become so commonplace, I don’t even think they hear themselves. And I know they don’t feel the impact of their words and actions. I feel it though, and it doesn’t have to be directed at me to feel it. It hits me like a bowling ball and the wound never seems to heal. I used to be one of those blame placers by the way. It also hurts me to feel the continued reverberation of my past words and deeds. UGH indeed.

And the religious folk, and the new age folk, and all of the other folk who use the words of their “faith” or of their teacher, to put others down and make them less than and bad. I know you don’t really realize in most cases what you are doing, but it is hurtful and unkind. And most likely the person you worship, or your guru, or whomever, would not want you to act that way. So can we just stop it? Maybe just start caring about everyone just for the sake of caring? And how about sharing? Can you share with your fellow human without the expectation of anything in return? Can you? I hope so. But I am not hopeful about it. Is that irony or something else?

I guess I did have a message today. I am crying Uncle, or for mercy, or whatever. And I fear it will not come until the whole lot of us get with the Love program and stop the violence, unkindness, lack of compassion, etc. etc. blah blah in the world. Because guys, who propagates it? We do. Humans do. Each of us has a chance, today, to be that unkind, unloving person or to be that Kind, Loving person. It starts and stops with us. I don’t care what the guy next to you did, or what the lady who took your parking space did. It starts with you. YOU. Yes, you.

So now I’m going to cry in my own cornflakes. I have to dress for a business meeting later today and that is going to take all of my energy. But that is another story. Namaste, Nutsmaste, Love, #missingerin and #lovingerin

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