Once again, for a split second I could not remember the year. I managed to get it out, but my first thought was 2014, then 2015, then 2016. Maybe I’m floating around time and space. If so, I hope it gets more interesting than this.
Yesterday I experienced a range of negative emotions that I have not experienced in a long time. It wasn’t really my mind experiencing them, it was mostly my physical body. Somewhat my emotional body, but not the mental body for sure. It started out as anxiety due to some PTSD images that I had pop in at around 6am. Yeah, when that happens, sleep is over so I just got up. If you are wondering what, it was images from Erin’s stay in ICU and her body’s death. That is never pleasant no matter how you try to spin it.
Later on, I went with Shaun to the mall. I was confused to find that I still have panic attacks while shopping. Erin always shopped with me, and it doesn’t help to see happy mommies and daughters walking around. I could feel it building in the car on the way home, wasn’t able to breathe deeply (shallow breathing isn’t good for you), and that fact stressed me out even more. I am still somewhat carrying those feelings.
But THEN, we were playing Destiny and finally worked up the courage to seek out a fire team of people that we needed to play a certain mission. We didn’t have our mics hooked up (couldn’t find any laying around) and quickly realized that we had no idea what to do on this very specific raid. So very embarrassed, we quickly dropped out, probably ruining the raid for the others since you need 6. I apologized briefly via PS4 text.
THAT affected me deeply. But why? I didn’t know those people, and it shouldn’t have been something I carried with me but I did. I finally had to have a chat with my inner child, which honestly I haven’t done regularly in years since I first began emotional clearing, and she said to me that she felt stupid. Well that hit the nail on the head.
About that time, I had just read to nearly the end of the Matt Kahn book I’m reading. I can’t read for too long anymore due to all of the anxiety I’ve experienced, so I now read in bits and pieces. Anyway, it started talking about how when you’ve made leaps and bound in your inner work, often you “fall” back down to a space that feels like you just lost all of your progress. That’s because you have now seen things differently, and gained some knowledge and wisdom, and you now open up some residual mess (my words) to clear but with a more enlightened point of view. Ok, I get that. But dang, this feels like utter crap.
It also reminded me to be honest about what I am feeling and not try to whitewash it by acting like I’m not feeling the negative stuff. So I confessed – to myself. I feel stupid. I feel embarrassed. I feel sad about Erin, and I am afraid of every minute of every day living without her. I’m afraid of a lot of things in regards to that, too many to mention here. If I am honest I am at least somewhat bitter about what I have had to endure in this life. I am alone, and somewhat pissed about that. By that I refer to the fact that I am an only child, both parents are dead, my child is dead, and anyway, I walk alone mostly. I don’t mean disrespect to Shaun or to my Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins who I love dearly. Anyway, I will stop the list now because now that I think about it, I think I could go on.
By being honest, I am honoring my Self. The Inner Child is the part of me and you that harbors fears, causes behavior in regards to those fears, and tries to protect you from further hurt or harm. It’s also the joyful part that feels excitement and has fun. You don’t have to think of him or her as separate, but often it’s easier to view that aspect of you as a child because that part of you behaves like a child. It feels hurt and love. That’s a big reason to remind yourself that “I love you” and “I am beautiful.” The IC needs to hear that – YOU need to hear that.
Anyway, I am confused about this embarrassment thing. About feeling stupid, sad, etc. I am just generally confused at this point about all that has happened, and I’m admitting it. What the hell happened? Seriously. I can tell you things, but not what, because I don’t understand it on a level that, well, that I understand. So whatever. LOL
Admitting it is half the battle. Now the universe can show me. So show me universe. I’m looking – show me.
I guess that was it, as the flow has ended. Namaste, Nutmaste, blessings, #missingerin and #lovingerin <3