Where to start? I will just do my normal and blah blah blah everything at once! Hope you all can follow!
First, I want to say that not a day goes by that I don’t cry, feel sadness, miss Erin, feel sorry for myself, or feel sadness or sorry for the myriad of you who have also lost your children. It sucks and while I have some moments, and even days, that are better than others, I want and maybe need for you all to understand that this never ends. I want you to know this not just for me, but for anyone you have come into contact with that has had a child die – any age child. You see us smiling, interacting, or whatever but behind that is a pain that is unlike any other. Just know that and keep it in mind as you interact with us. If we look away when you speak of your child, or simply smile and ask polite questions, have to excuse ourselves, or don’t attend family related functions, it’s because it’s too painful. Don’t ask us to get past that. If we do, it will be because we are ready and not you. And we don’t mean to hurt feelings.
Well I didn’t know that I was going to write that today, but it is timely with the holidays and all coming up. Those are the worst. If I had other children, I would get through it. But I do not, and so I quit doing it. I tried to explain to my Aunt the other day why I would never attend a family holiday again and I’m not sure she understood. Well, you know it’s not really something anyone who hasn’t been here can understand so I hope we met each other half way. I still love my family, and Shaun’s, but I have to keep a distance for my sanity sometimes.
Everyone is different though. Just please, support them how they want to be supported and not how it makes YOU feel better. This isn’t about you and never will be. Our entire lives changed forever in a way that is horrible. We will never be the same but in order to continue living, we have to find our way differently now.
I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt at times because I just cannot hardly hear about other sick children. It immediately brings up vivid 3D movie memories of my experience, and my loss, and well I hope your child lives and prospers but I just can’t support you any better than my sentiment. I wish I could. I haven’t forgotten those who supported me and continue to do so. It just hurts too bad.
I guess what I am saying is that you never know what someone is going through, and sometimes what they have experienced because some don’t tell you. Don’t judge and give yourself and them a break. Trust me, those of us who have lost children have enough guilt, judgment and regret pointed back at ourselves to make up for lack of yours 🙂
So last week I was going to write but never got around to it. I was pooped energetically, and when that happens, there isn’t much flow. I had two structural integration sessions last week, which released so much muscle tension that I was already just plain pooped. By the way, that link is to my therapist Susan Jeffreys who is totally awesome and I highly recommend her. But I digress…on Tuesday I finally got attuned to Reiki. I really don’t know why I didn’t do it years ago. I supposedly did with an old massage therapist of mine, but this felt different and I knew I needed to do it. What I feel that it did was to energize things I already possessed within my mind/body/spirit. And I think the Reiki master who attuned me, Deborah Reasbeck, contributed something I needed as well. You know when you go to healers, etc. you always get what you need even if it’s not what you think you need. Well that said, Deb is outstanding and I also highly recommend her. She works remotely as well as in person.
After the Reiki attunement, I was pooped and gained 5 lbs! Sometimes your body holds weight when it expands with more light. It needs the extra mass and fluid to integrate the energy. Remember our bodies are electric and respond to EM energies the best they can. Thankfully on Friday, Susan Jeffreys’ worked on me and helped me release (i.e., pee out LOL) the 5 lbs of fluid. It was gone by Saturday evening.
I’ve also, very quickly since all of this energy flow I might add, seen patterns and blockages that I have and understood how to release them. For instance, I realized that I had not done my Reiki homework or some other things on my to do list because I feared failure. What if it doesn’t work? I stopped taking client sessions a long time ago due to the same reason. I developed the fear and the business trickled off. Oddly I am not afraid anymore, but the pattern was still there. So I just did it, and it flowed effortlessly in a way that was almost tangible to me even though it was energy work. Very cool I might add! I feel like I can manifest anything right here right now. That is exciting!
Oh, and we traded in our old systems, including Erin’s Wii, for new PS4s and bought Destiny. That made me cry. The Wii has been boxed up for almost a year now but it was very hard for me to part with. I intended that we get a fair deal and we got an awesome deal for the trade-ins, and Destiny is fun if you haven’t played yet. Well, except that weird guy who followed me around for awhile bugging me. It’s a multi-player server so you aren’t alone, but unlike most people who leave you alone he didn’t. I guess he got his karma though – he crashed his space cruiser thing and died and I was rid of him LOL.
That’s all for now. The flow is gone. Namaste, and #missingerin