Under the Exterior: Finding a Balance and Shouldering the Burden

I wasn’t exactly expecting to write today, but it seems that spirit just wanted to get it all out after reading a friend’s FaceBook post. This particular friend’s son died just about 6 months before Erin died, and it’s interesting how she posted exactly what I was feeling last night. Anyway, …

The basis of the sentiment is that it takes a LOT to keep it together all day, every day. And that since she wasn’t raised to be a quitter, she keeps going. Well, I’m just going to quote her but leave her nameless since I didn’t ask to share her thoughts first.

It’s not easy to maintain this level of control 24/7. Remember that underneath this Wonder Woman exterior is someone who has had a piece of her ripped away. I hurt EVERY day. I know that many others do as well.

All that I can add is that is the damn truth! This week, for whatever reason, has found me hurting at every turn. I began Monday bawling my eyes out as I followed a mother and her young son out of the grocery store. Everywhere I go, there is something, or someone, to remind me of who I am missing. And it’s not just missing because she’s away at college. It’s been over a year since I have seen her, touched her, kissed her, and yes, I am feeling a lot of shame. A lifetime of shame in fact.

I also find it interesting how blacking out, but still functioning as a walking/talking person, for 3-4 hours on last Saturday caused me to feel such a large degree of shame (not the first time in my life that has happened). And then how that shame dug up all of the rest, shame I didn’t even know I had as well as some I thought I had cleared and released. I guess, it was timely and perfect in the eyes of the universe. But man, it sucked. It sucks. I’m not out of the Woods of Shame and Regret yet. Is that a place in Mordor maybe? Feels like it.

I guess what I am saying is that I get it, I see the method behind the madness from a cosmic point of view. But LIVING it is nearly more than I, or anyone else for that matter, can take. I said to Shaun just last night that I hope one day I’m able to say “Oh, I see what that was all about” because if I cannot, then living this shit if just cruel and torturous. There is absolutely no thought that I have, nowhere that I go or don’t go, blah blah blah that I do not think of Erin. Either it sucks because we used to do that, or it sucks because we will never do that. You have no idea.

Actually, one of my first thoughts after she died was that I would have to live out the rest of my days without her. I knew what torture it would be, and I was powerless to do anything about it. So assuming there IS meaning in all of this shit we call life, here is the value that I know comes from my own shitty situation. (Yeah, I’m Ms Cheerful today.)

First, I have had control issues my entire life. As a child I had no control over my environment. Yeah, no kid does, but you hope that you at least have a safe and secure home environment. I did not, so when I got old enough to control my environment (i.e., had my own place) I sort of was manic about it. I got better as I worked on my issue, but it never really went away. That went for personal relationships too. During the time that Erin was sick I tried so hard to maintain control over the whole thing, and as you know, there was no controlling it. Her last few days I finally gave it back to the Creator and the Universe (which I believe are one, really). I got it, too late. I don’t think it would have changed the outcome if I had gotten it sooner, but maybe.

I’ve also got an issue with balance. I go from one extreme to the other. I DO recognize the issue, but you know, it’s hard to get a hold of yourself sometimes. It takes work anyway. I know I need to find a happy medium, in all things. Moderation in other words.

The irony of this is, that I see over the entire course of my life how this has also played out. I was born into a very stable home with two healthy parents. My father was an electrical engineer with a great job supporting the space program, and other than normal family stuff there was nothing but family stuff going on. He died when I was four years old and I guess that started the lifelong load of shit that has culminated in this. Extremes – I guess my soul wanted to play with that this time.

And I’ve always made lemonade out of lemons…I still know how to make the lemonade, but there just doesn’t seem to be a point. Please don’t say “I know she would want you to be happy.” I’m sure she would. Who wouldn’t? How can I? That f’ing ship sailed.

So now I learn to deal with the burden of the sadness, just like my friend mentioned above. And I wasn’t dealing so well and it got out of hand last weekend. I won’t be drinking any alcohol for a while at least, and I have a lot of soul searching to do to figure out how to get back to where I got off the path. I’m almost done with the shame. I still have to take responsibility for my screw up and get back to right-action.

I do recognize that I am substituting one thing for another. I fill my time with bullshit that, well, fills my time. FarmVille, television, etc. etc. I sometimes have thoughts like “I wish there had been another kid so that I would still have one to love.” Then I thought how damn selfish that would be, because that kid would be as miserable and missing Erin as I am. And no I do not want another child. I want MY child. Period. End of discussion.

So until I see her again, and I still believe that I will, I will bear this burden somehow. I hope I bear it better than I have been the past month. I may have a bad “report card” this time, but I did figure out how to better “pass my classes” I think.

Either way, Namaste, and #missingerin <3