Aug 25

Back to Square One

Just when I felt as if I was finding my way, the universe had other plans. Over the course of the last few days I have not only started grieving Erin more so than I had been, but I also feel like once again I am being stripped to the core of my being. That is not a fun feeling when you are at the point that there is nearly nothing left.

Imagine if you can, a large Lego tower or something, just for a visual. And in 3D CGI fashion, every block suddenly expands outward from the core of the tower and you can see each one. The core is left exposed, and confused. Did it lose a lot of unnecessary blocks (baggage)? Maybe. Is the core prettier than the outside? Maybe. Can it now decide which blocks to replace and which to discard? Sure, in most cases. But either way it has very traumatically had everything it knows ripped from it, it feels exposed, and it may not even recognize itself.

The bottom line is I’m empty. I have nothing else to give, to myself or anyone else. I would like to go to the gym but will miss it again today, because I just don’t want to go. I should rephrase – need to go to keep the momentum up, have no interest in going. I also decided it’s time to sell this house. I’m done here. There is nothing left for me and I’m willing to go through the pain of packing up Erin’s things and giving some away. In all honesty, my only sentiment is just fuck it.

My entire life I have had a strong belief in magic, in the knowing that the soul is eternal, that we have a host of unseen beings helping us through life, and other things. I’m not saying I don’t believe, but I wonder how in the hell it helps any of us. If you are religious, you say God answered your prayer if it turns out your way. If it doesn’t go your way, it was his will. Really?? Whatever. Us non-religious but spiritual people ask for help too. Same story when we get it, and when we don’t. Is there really anyone out there that gives a damn about our suffering here on planet earth? I am not so sure anymore. But a positive or negative outcome doesn’t appear to be attached to anything in particular. It’s a crap shoot – we may get screwed, we may not.

And I can get into all of the spiritual and religious crap that we are taught, depending on what you believe in. A kingdom awaits you in heaven, or it’s all an illusion and we are all spirit, or whatever. How does that help me in my PHYSICAL 3D BODY HERE ON PHYSICAL EARTH? Oh, here’s one…there is no time. Well, you sure can’t f’ing tell that from down here on good old Earth now can you? Because time either flies by for us or creeps, and regardless our lifespans are measured in a matter of very long numbers of years. Long numbers of years. I could easily live to be close to 100. That’s potentially 60 years give or take without my child. That sucks.

Oh, and depending on your beliefs, maybe you feel the rapture is imminent. Or ascension. Or something else. Are we the first people who have thought this? Nope. How do we know? I don’t know. I thought I knew. Now I don’t know. Honestly I just want some event to come along and kill me and end my suffering. I can’t do it myself. I’m not a believer in it being a sin, but I do believe it will cause me to have to come repeat this crap over again so no thank you. Nope, not doing this one over again. I have enough pain and regret to last several lifetimes.

Today I do not know who I am anymore, what I believe, or anything much for that matter. The only thing I firmly believe today is this is a load of BS and we’ve all been lied to. I already knew that, it’s just that today it feels like that’s all there is. Lies. Suffering. Pain. Shit. I am done, so done. Done, done, done. Done. #missingerin



Skip to comment form

    • Lisa Litsey-Lessard on August 25, 2015 at 3:00 pm
    • Reply

    Nicole, My soul hurts for you………….. I don’t know how you feel, cannot even imagine….. and I am soooooooooooooo grateful for that………….but not so much that I can turn away from your pain. I do not know what the f*** the plan, purpose, point is…………….as hollow as it sounds, it is not meant that way at all.. HANG IN THERE, why? I wished I knew for sure, I know what I believe and pray for……..I pray for you, for me, for Shaun, for Erin, my dad, my mom, your mom,…………….the world… Sweet Izzie who is one year old and dying……..just breathe……it has got to matter!!!!!!!!!! Erin’s mom matters………………….

    • Marianne Campbell on August 25, 2015 at 6:08 pm
    • Reply

    Nicole, All of you’re feelings and questions are valid. I do believe in hell cause you and Shaun are in it now. After a year, I still feel surprised and horrified that she died. I do believe that the soul is eternal and you will meet up with Erin, Greg, and your mother again. I don’t know how or where but I do believe you will. If I could, I would shoulder some of your pain. That thought doesn’t do any good because I can’t. I’m not strong enough. I love you and Shaun. #missingerin

  1. “…..See, In all our searching the only thing we’ve found that makes the emptiness bareable, is each other.” – Contact

    I love you Nicole. Please keep sharing and please don’t give up. What ever you do, what ever the next step in your life is. Know that you have friends that support you.



    1. Thank you for your kindness Ed. Over the years you have been such a kind and caring friend. I won’t give up, but I am very, very sad sometimes.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: