I am writing with no title in mind this morning, but I know exactly what I want to say, which is a bit of a switch. I feel like I need to ease you into it, but why? Let’s just get right down to business.
I’ve been working with a wonderful group of people in a 5 week meditation superpowers class. Yep, superpowers, and each of us has discovered more of who we are and who we are becoming both as individuals and together. It has been tremendously rewarding and comforting in ways that I can’t quite describe.
After some anxiety during and after Sunday’s class, I was asked to transmute some remaining bitterness that I had regarding my relationship with my mother. The key word is transmute – not let go of. By transmuting, you change the energy into something different. It’s the same concept as in alchemy changing lead to gold. Transmutation of anything is possible if you know how to do it. You need to know how to deconstruct and recombine the ingredients of course, and maybe you have to add or take away some. But you change it and then it is something entirely different. In this case, I was able to see the gift (value) and really feel it. My heart chakra then transmuted the lower emotions into appreciation and love.
This same day, I had also been asked if I wanted to keep living my old story, or if I wanted a new one. Basically, do I want to be stuck in the past or move forward? Moving forward doesn’t mean that I cannot keep Erin, but it sure felt that way for a long time. I really didn’t understand until that light bulb went on.
I have to interject here and note that I have said before that I will search for Erin across time and space until I can be with her again, and I mean that. You may be reading thinking that “Wow, she’s one crazy lady” and that’s fine if you do. I truly mean to accomplish that even if I don’t yet know how and when. I have a determined spirit and am open to the miraculous. I don’t have to understand how, when, or why. I would like to, but I’m ok with not having to know everything. It was this goal, or mission, in mind that gave me a huge breakthrough.
Suddenly I realized that I have gained a shit ton of clarity via the deep, dark emotion of regret. Oh my gosh, you have no idea! In an instant I can be reminded of 3-4 things that happened between Erin and I, and how I could have handled it better or kinder, and it kills me! When I say reminded, it plays like an HD movie in my mind, word for word and scenery and all. I have spent months wallowing in shame and anger at myself, and telling Erin how sorry that I am for this or for that. It has changed me deeply. I hear myself speaking differently to Shaun or someone else, mostly kinder and less harsh. I feel more understanding and patience for situations and things in general. I have gained clarity, and have changed my reactions, behavior, and my actions. And with that said, why would I want what was in the past? The stressed out person who was so blind to what a gift that she had is gone. She died when Erin died. I don’t want that person back, and when I do reunite with Erin, I do not want to reunite as I was. I am different now, something more.
When I realized that, I instantly transmuted a lot of the regret that I had been holding on to. I mean, what a hard lesson to learn!! But I got it and I am pretty sure that I passed the test. Even my mother helped me to learn this lesson during her illness. I just hadn’t quite gotten it yet.
Yes, I still miss Erin terribly, but the longing isn’t so bad as it was when I was still so deep into the regret. I know that even positive change is sometimes accompanied by great destruction. In this case, the inner Me has been destroyed and reconstructed multiple times, each time being something more than it was the time before that. And I think that is at least part of the point of putting on these human clothes and suffering here on Earth for a lifetime. Well, I’m going to hold on to that for a while and see where it takes me.
Namaste, #missingerin, and have a wonderful day <3