I began writing this yesterday and got sidetracked so many times that I thought I would remember what I wanted to say, but alas, I do not. I did keep what I wanted to include though, and I hope it’s not too disjointed for you all to follow.
I have had an immensely hard time this week. Emotionally, of course, but usually that manifests itself in your physical world too and in my case, it did. I have manifested a few angry people around me and at least one physical injury (it’s a little fuzzy – who knows what I experienced this week). On Wednesday I walked in from a quick lunch errand, and decided to feed the birds. I have a two level concrete porch, and the bird seed jug was on the higher level. Well I picked it up, and walked right into the column of the patio umbrella that was laying down on the upper part of the porch. It clipped me and I went flying, much like Wonder Woman. I skinned both palms, both knees (the left one pretty good), and managed to sprain my right ankle and foot. But when I landed, I thought Hmmm, I’m OK. I had expected much worse!
One of the byproducts of this week, though, has been delving deeper into Me. I’ve been doing the Superpowers course with Lisa Gawlas of course, and that it teaching me to do more than a drive by when I go within. I don’t ask enough questions typically, running mentally to my next idea or interest and leaving just the surface skimmed. So I am learning to really know my Self, and what I am discovering through what could be called hypnosis or guided meditation. I have said many times, both to tell you and to remind myself, that if I had to experience such horrible sorrow in this life then I am not going to let it be in vain. There is some reason for this, and so let me not have to repeat it. I owe it to myself and to Erin to get it right. There is no one to save me – I have to rise up and save myself.
I feel as if I’m making progress on that front, at least, this past week. That’s not to say that I am not sad, because I am much of the time, but I am able to use it to remember to work harder and stay the course.
An suddenly now I know what I needed to say today. Two things actually.
The first is, that it occurred to me in deep thought yesterday that when something life changing, upsetting, traumatic, or sorrowful happens in your life, you should questions everything. Question your beliefs, your faith if that applies, what you do for your career – everything. People will tell you to have faith, to take comfort in this and that, and the truth is they are just saying those things to make you and themselves feel better. But you know what? I see so many people suffering and the same old same old isn’t helping them one damn bit. What’s wrong with examining how you are believing or doing and then, when you put the pieces back together, making sure they are healthy and work for you? Nothing at all. As you know I am not religious but I have a myriad of spiritual beliefs, and even psychotherapy training (not at university), and I gotta tell you that none of it prepared me for what I faced and am facing. And at first, I turned my back on it completely. All of it. My attitude was fuck you, fuck it, whatever. I did everything life and the universe asked of me to grow and be a better person and I get this? And then I had over a week’s worth of dead silence. No guidance, no connection to anything or anyone, nothing.
But what I realized was that I am not set up to be stagnant and like it or not, I was going to move forward. So I had to take a good long look at what I believed, what I knew even, and how I felt about my life. I am still rebuilding Me and only putting the pieces that I really like back into this puzzle. I still don’t know how I feel about nutrition for instance. I took damn good care of Erin, and we were always very careful with her regarding safety, chemicals, etc. Lot of good it did us. She ended up with goddamn lymphoma. Fate and destiny did what they wanted to do regardless of us eating organic. So yeah, I don’t have all of the answers but I am at least taking a good hard look at my questions and perceptions.
Something else, and that is that even if you are religious, I think the idea would be that God needs your participation right? So your faith is not going to make you feel better. You will have to figure out how to incorporate that into your beliefs but you still have to DO something. It’s not just going to rain down on you from above. I know there are some fundamental differences between religion and not, but the point is we are all given the tools and we need to participate in our own healing. Just make sure you remember that.
And lastly, I just have to get this off of my chest. One of the things that I take issue with, but don’t have the answer(s) to, is the whole bunch of spiritual beliefs regarding death and suffering. I see teachings all of the time reminding us that death is an illusion, the soul lives forever, suffering is in our own minds, this reality is an illusion, etc. I could go on and on. The one thing that these things never address is mourning, grief, and the devastation that the death of someone close to you can have on your life. I will tell you, I have had much hardship in my 43+ years. Much. So much that it would either bore you or overwhelm you to hear about. But I have and can move past it. I have developed understanding and a damn good toolset to deal with things. But not this. And no one has an answer on how to deal with this, or if they do, well, they haven’t experienced it. Maybe that will be my contribution to the world, but honestly, I have no answer(s). And it irritates the hell out of me to see someone address world suffering or whatever because they have no idea what real suffering is. I would rather be hungry and live on the street with Erin, than to have my nice life without her. In fact I would give up everything and everyone, including you if that was under my power to do so. It’s a different sort of suffering to lose a child, and one that no source of faith or knowledge can address properly.
So that was my $1.50 for today. I got it all out for now. For the rest of the day, I plan to do my best to completely ignore the family block party going on in my immediate neighborhood, and eagerly await the time to go celebrate a friend’s birthday (Thank you friend for getting us out of the house!).
Namaste, and always #missingerin