May 05

Blah. Blah, and more blah. And some UGH.

May will forever be the worst month. Either a year ago yesterday or today, my brother in law Greg Canter died. It was unexpected, and we didn’t even know about it for almost a week afterward. He died while we were down at Children’s Hospital in Birmingham, and we were still there when Shaun go the call from HPD. There was no goodbye, no body to mourn since it was in very bad shape after that long. In fact, the officer who notified Shaun was quite rude, and told him abruptly that he needed him to come identify the body and get his things out of his apartment right then.

I loved Greg, but Erin loved him more than anything. I waited a day before I told her since she had to have a procedure done, and she cried fiercely for about 60 seconds. Then she didn’t want to talk about it again, and so we didn’t. She never liked death, and when I say that I mean more than most people let alone children.

We had planned to wait until after our visit to Iowa to see another doctor for Erin to have Greg a wake. As you know, she never came home after those last doctor visits. But as May rolls around, I find myself mourning Greg today. And next week, I will mourn him again near the date we found out, which was also around our anniversary and also the next to last time Erin was in the hospital. It was the week she missed her 4th grade field trip. It was the last calendar month she would spend in school.

I am already dreading the 5th grade class ending this year. Sounds silly huh? She’s not there, and I know that, but it’s such a big milestone and her friends will move on without her. They will grow up a bit, going to middle school, and she will begin to be forgotten. I know this is the natural flow of life but it kills me. Some days I can put on a brave face, and occupy my mind as such that I barely consciously acknowledge her or her absence. I just turn my cheek to it in a manner of speaking. But it is always there.

I have had a lot of amazing experiences lately. I began the meditation class, as I call it, that I signed up for with Lisa Gawlas. I went to a Lightworker’s festival at The Dreammaker on Saturday and had three wonderful people do readings for me. I don’t need readings from others, but sometimes you really just feel drawn to someone’s energy and so it was with this lovely lady named April. She pulled three types of cards for me and in the second deck, one of the three cards was a fairy. She asked me are you drawn to fairies? And I told her about Erin.

But none of it, not even the understanding I’ve gained, will repair my broken heart.

I haven’t written lately because then I have to think, and when I think lately I get sad. But today, I am so sad I had to write. Thank you for walking with me today.

And, if anyone wonders, last fall we did honor Greg’s wishes and scattered his ashes on the land he owned in Owens Cross Roads. His dream was to build a small cabin there and live out the rest of his life. So he’s home.

Namaste and #missingerin

3 comments

    • Lori powell on May 5, 2015 at 6:12 pm
    • Reply

    Nicole you are very strong. I admire you.

    • Kate Loftin on May 6, 2015 at 9:06 am
    • Reply

    So much sadness Nicole. I hope that expressing your thoughts with others in this forum helps you. Is it weird to say that I appreciate reading your blog? Regardless of what you might think, you have wisdom and insight on life that I appreciate reading. I don’t know why bad things happen…maybe it’s to unite us as humans…you sharing your thoughts helps you and me reading your thoughts affects me. You don’t grieve alone. I won’t forget Erin, or you and Shaun. Ever.

    • Marianne Campbell on May 6, 2015 at 4:29 pm
    • Reply

    OMG, how sad to remember the past year. I remember setting with Shaun at Casa Blanca after Gregg’s death. He was in shock over Gregg and worried about Erin, who was still in Children’s hospital. I remember he was so helpless to do anything about either situation. Neither of us
    could fathom events to come…… Love you both. #missingerin

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