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Apr 08

Keepin’ On Keepin’ On

Ok, I’ll admit that is purely “self-talk!” I suppose it is somewhat reality, since I am obviously still here. Today is different than yesterday, and yesterday sucked a big one overall. Today is different, not better but different. I think I should stress that? No day is good. I have come to realize that and it’s just a fact. It will never be good again. The sad thing is that I otherwise have a “good life” as one may call it, but this one thing I am missing defines the whole thing as horrible. Shaun feels the same way I am sure (I don’t think I have to ask). It sure doesn’t seem fair does it. I know, life isn’t fair, but I can deal with the other unfair stuff. Not this.

I have gotten off of my ass and done a few things lately. Baby steps. I booked appointments, made phone calls, found product for home improvements, and took clothes to the cleaners and to a tailor. I even cleaned out my closet a little again. I took the time to listen to some information via YouTube videos…the stack of books will have to wait. I don’t quite have the patience right now to read more than a few lines. I know I have to read me some tarot cards – that has been gnawing on me for several days but I am lazy so there you go.

I bought more new clothes for the new me. I’m sure not the old me, so the new me wants new clothes. But the new me doesn’t like the feeling that I am gaining weight, so I plan to start back to the gym, maybe today. I at least called them to ask a question about something. That’s farther than I have gotten with the question in a week or so, so I’ll take it as progress.

So today was better, yesterday wasn’t, and none of them are good. Yeah, I think that about sums it up.

I have realized what a tremendous amount of personal growth I have achieved these past few months. That makes me feel somewhat decent about myself, as I felt I was stagnant before. I hear myself responding kinder to stuff I may have yelled about before. It’s that perspective change. I also don’t really get upset about too much. Shaun and I were talking about something recently, something that apparently I should have been outraged about LOL. My response was that I just didn’t care, so whatever it was that the person had said or done, I just didn’t care, so didn’t care to respond. I wasn’t offended – didn’t care. It actually felt sort of good. The person, someone I didn’t know, well their shit was their shit and not mine. I didn’t care. Have I driven that point home? LOL!

I do want to thank everyone who has continued to check on me. I really appreciate it, and believe me even if we didn’t know each other well before, you hold a very special place in my heart now. I may not say it – because that would be weird – but I think about each and every one of you.

Now I remember what I was going to say yesterday but didn’t. I literally lost my whole world. I don’t’ know why that is important to say, but I was thinking yesterday that it was. I lost my baby girl, the experience of being a mom, the experience of having a kid in school, her friends, their families, and so many other countless things that I can no longer bear to see, hear, or do because of the painful memories. My entire life has changed and has to be renewed and replaced. Normally that is a good thing, and I’m having trouble finding that silver lining. I guess there is a big “touch of grey” in that silver lining at any rate.

So yeah, this is a disjointed blog post. Very train of thought oriented though, which should make you all feel sorry for me since you are inside of my disjointed mind right now LOL.

Namaste and #missingerin

2 comments

  1. Lisa Litsey-Lessard

    lol, I had to laugh at your disjointed mind, cause I can totally follow it…. and you are right about the perspective thing… not your monkeys, not your circus… this is quite an eye opener when you find yourself at this crossroad, with more and more frequency….I cannot even pretend nor would I to know how you feel….but I think everyday you get “through” , the how is not so important……. you do…… and that the way it is… as always you and Shaun are in my thoughts and prayers daily..

    1. Nicole

      I’m glad I made sense to someone Lisa! Thank you for being so kind. I don’t always respond to the comments (sometimes the day is just too hard to do that), but I do read them and smile 🙂

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