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Mar 31

The Politics of Grief

Well, if you disagree with my use of the word politics, let’s get it out now. I did look it up, but my inner knowing strongly suggested that I use that as my title. I began a post the other day, Thursday morning, about how I was feeling that day and simply titled it “What’s on My Mind.” I had a lot on my mind actually, but little time to share it that day. And now that the moment has passed, I will recap but not reuse the post.

I should start by saying, I am miserable. Utterly flipping miserable. Grief knows no end or boundaries, so it’s like you are in the ocean. You swim to the shallows sometimes, only to be overcome by another wave and washed out to sea. Then you spend the rest of your time swimming back to shore. What for? I wonder. Because I honestly don’t see the point. I visited my mother’s 2nd husband Jerry the other day, and his secretary was asking me a lot of questions. I was very honest with her, and my answers must have surprised him. I say this because he surprised me by saying “I know that you are a survivor.” I don’t bear him any ill will, but this, coming from the man who was the co-creator of a lot of the hell from my childhood, was both an affirmation and a slap in the face. Perhaps divine guidance was speaking through him. Either way, he is correct. But we all have the innate survival instinct embedded in our DNA. All living things do.

Even when you are done, and faced with even one second to rethink things, you choose to survive. That could not have been illustrated better than the season finale of the Walking Dead last week, where Father Gabriel was ready to let himself be “eaten” as I call it by the zombies. But in the second he had in between resolution and action, he changed his mind, fell to the ground after killing it, and cried. Boy could I relate, as that is me several times a day figuratively speaking.

I wonder now, lately, why I write this? I have no idea really anymore, but I know I am supposed to help someone as well as help myself. People regularly ask me if it’s “cathartic.” Of course it is. Seriously, I don’t want any more suffering. Period. End of story. I wouldn’t even proceed to upgrade my credit card from gold to platinum today because it requires a new credit application. My credit is outstanding, but the process just reeks of suffering to me. So forget it. And yes it’s cathartic. I have to get this out somewhere. Yes, I can talk to Shaun. But shit, Shaun is suffering as much as I am so why would I dump my burden on him to carry with his own? I try not to do that. It’s not kind nor is it fair. So we both carry our burdens, quietly most of the time, until something has to be discussed or said and then we cry for a little while.

Perhaps what is most amazing to me is that after this many months, the pain has not lessened at all. None. It’s very powerful, very real, and very deep. I have a new found respect for anyone experiencing PTSD. I have flashbacks and sometimes full color and sound movies playing in my mind, uninvited and unannounced. They are painful. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I was experiencing fear with them like some do. If you ever wondered if this is real, it is real. Very real. It teleports you back to wherever it is that you don’t want to be, hear, or see. I also have a new found respect for anyone suffering from depression. I honestly, never thought it was something you couldn’t “just get over.” Maybe not that simple, but you pull up your bootstraps, realize that everyone suffers, and get on with it right? Tomorrow will be better, right? I extend a heartfelt apology to anyone I have ever, even quietly, misdirected those types of thoughts or words to. This is no joke. I still assume that a person can get over the pain of a bad breakup, but not the loss of your child. And remember, everything is relative to the person who is experiencing the pain.

So I haven’t slept more than 5 hours a night in several days. I lay in bed with sadness for a few hours, fall off to sleep, then wake up with the same. And the “movies.” They invade during those vulnerable hours of the night. I think my brain thinks that if I can just find the moment it slipped away that I can somehow get it back.

I don’t know if I will ever experience any type of closure with this, and I suspect that I will not. But I have definitely ended a cycle. I closed down a contract this past week on Thursday. I had worked in the building 11 years (there’s that 11 again – started that job when Erin was 6 months old). The contract itself was – you guessed it – 7 years old. If I could punch 7 and 11 in the gut I would get some satisfaction from that, trust me. Also, today I closed the joint bank account I had with my mother. It was my last task in that regard.

I have also discovered that I hate my home. Not my house – my home. This house was supposed to be the last one we built or bought, where Erin finished growing up and where her friends could gather with her. Now I can’t stand to even look at the walls. I would sell it now, except I’m pretty sure I can’t bear to dismantle her room yet. And I haven’t got the faintest idea where we would move. We love the area we live in, but that is ruined too. I have to pass the school, her karate studio, and the greenway where we rode bikes runs the length of the road between here and 431. Hell, everything about this is painful. I want a new place with new scenery. It sucks because we have such wonderful neighbors and a great house, but geez, I can’t live here anymore.

I should add that I have also started having flashbacks of my mother’s last moments, which then makes me think of all of the furry babies I have had to escort to their final destinations. This is all so very painful to experience, even in a flashback. Hell, I bet my aura is full of rips and tears and holes from all of this emotional pain.

So I will continue to look for something larger, my spiritual mission for this lifetime, whatever it is. Yeah, big jump from the sadness to that eh? Well there is nothing in between. To paraphrase Sting, I will need to build a bridge because I cannot fill the chasm. I want to be here for a purpose at least, to contribute in some positive way to the all that is, or else I want to be released from this prison of space and time. But that is a topic fro another day.

Namaste, and #missingerin

8 comments

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  1. Lisa Lessard

    My heart breaks for you and Shaun. I truly would do anything to make it better, but we both know there is nothing ANY one can do, and for that I am infinitely sorry. #misssingerin

  2. Zor B

    I apologize for my part in this which goes back to 1307 .
    The reason why you are so miserable now.
    Being burned alive and betrayed by those you loved will do this .
    Forgive yourself for not being able to let go of the pain of the halogram you are in .
    Just I believe in another dimension(s)
    Erin lives and you will find her.
    Do not give up your ability to feel good.
    IT is allowed and encouraged.
    Eclipse tomorrow to be “magical”

  3. MacTZorb

    “I must open my Third Eye in order to be able to go consciously inside my High Heart. I remember NOW that:

    · Inside my High Heart is all the Wisdom I have ever gained in every one of my incarnations.

    · Inside my High Heart is all the Multi-dimensional Power that I have gained in all of my many journeys to the beloved planet Gaia.

    · And inside my High Heart is my Unconditional Love that I have gained in all my realities on the body of Gaia.

    · I know that the secret to building my new house is that: I must collect all the Infinite Wisdom I have gathered in all of my incarnations on to the body of Gaia.

    · I must collect all the Multi-dimensional Power that I have gained from the myriad lessons of my uncountable lifetimes.

    · And I must use all the Unconditional Love that has been sent to me from my higher expressions of SELF as well as from all my beloved guides in the Galactic, Angelic and Celestial worlds

    From the Arcturian Corridor …..Dr Sue Lie the channel…….

    Maybe hearing what Joelle has to say re Erin’s part in your burning helps you understand why this had to happen……..that just private as it is my wjsh you delete this last part from your blog.

    1. Nicole

      No Mark, it’s OK. One of my challenges has been to let my whole self show to everyone. After Erin died I had such a perspective change (which I’ve written about) that while I’m a little “bruised” I guess if I get “punched” a little by someone who doesn’t like my perspective, that’s OK. You have helped me to look back at that past life and to clear up a lot of stuff. It was something I had looked at but not completely, and I feel that it has helped me recently. So thank you for bringing it up. For those of us who remember the past existences, sometimes those are harder to face than our present one.

  4. MacTZorb

    We go very deep into the dark to expose the Light…. part of being always a Bounty Hunter.
    Oaths were said that had multidimensional reverberations .
    Pain into Joy we knew was coming.
    Unconditional Love coming to you from her.
    Now.
    Just Remember.

  5. MacTZorb

    More from the Arcturian Corridor

    When you cannot consciously remember your own higher frequencies of SELF, you believe that you are trapped in the lower worlds and can only leave it via what you have titled as “death.” To us, your “death” is perceived as “logging out” of your holographic reality and returning Home to your REAL self. We want you to remember that important fact.

    Now, as we continue our journey through one of the wonderful light portals that you, the members of Earth have opened, we begin to perceive your third dimensional world through our multidimensional perspective. Therefore, we perceive all of the versions of your SELF.

    We can easily perceive what you may call a “string of light” that connects all the myriad incarnations that you have taken with in your NOW of some timeline, alternate and/or parallel embodiment on Earth. Because of the great importance of releasing the veils of illusion between dimensions, many of you have taken multiple incarnations in the hopes that at least one of you will fully awaken to your higher dimensional expressions.

    Our perception of your third dimensional “rung” of Gaia’s multidimensional matrix is that it is a reality in the process of great change. We can feel this change within our bodies, just as you can feel the great change within your bodies. Your bodies, your earth vessels, represent your direct connection to the planet.

    Since your small, individual earth vessel is constructed of the same earth, air, fire and water as the planet, YOU are a miniature version of Gaia’s Earth. One of the things that we perceive, and many of you are beginning to remember, is that your fourth dimensional auras are becoming multidimensional.

    We also perceive that many of you have consciously or unconsciously activated your multidimensional Lightbody and on the verge of being able to burst into Lightbody when the situation calls on you to do so. Since, your Lightbody is multidimensional, while in that frequency of your SELF, you will be able to replicate our journey, but into the higher frequencies.

    In fact, many of you return to your Ships increasingly often. By returning to your higher SELF while maintaining a connection to your earth vessel, you are able to remain attached to the 3D matrix via your earth vessel, while your also connect with your fourth dimensional dreamtime.

    Once you have taken those rehearsals of returning to your SELF, you are often ready to make your “maiden voyage” to your visit your Starship on which your Lightbody SELF is serving to assist Gaia. In this manner, you are able to remain “in active duty” on 3D Earth while your ALSO continue your active duty on physical Earth.

    We invite you to ask to be taken Home to your Ship before you sleep. Or, you may chose to use the power of your imagination to move up (in frequency) through the fourth dimension to visit your Ship in the fifth dimension. Many of you do so on a regular basis. All you need do NOW is to REMEMBER!

    Call on us and we will assist you,

    The Arcturians

    From you pre-birth frequency in the higher realms, you forgot how deeply the illusions of the third/fourth dimensions merged with your sense of SELF. Therefore, we and many other members of your Galactic Family are lowering our resonance to assist you to remember that YOU are US.

    1. Nicole

      Yes, I read Suzanne Lie’s post (and want to give her credit). That actually brought me a great deal of peace at the time. It’s a different way to perceive it. Thank you.

  6. MacTZorb

    Apologies to Dr Lie,,,,,,,whose work has given me comfort too.

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