No, I haven’t written in several days for several reasons. I have been very busy with work. So busy in fact that I have barely had time to go to the bathroom some days. And when I am not busy, it only takes seconds for me to miss my baby girl and have a short cry. I have cried so much and so fiercely, I’m considering some botox to get rid of the furrow in my brow. There are a lot of disjointed things that I feel like I want to express…will probably come out confusing but oh well here goes.
Last weekend, Shaun shared with me that he didn’t tell me everything about the autopsy that he read. I think he thought I didn’t want to know. Well I didn’t, but I don’t want to leave him emotionally unable to talk with me either. So basically, Erin died of Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma. What was inconclusive was how long she had it. They tested for lymphoma and other cancers many times, including last December/January here at the St. Jude’s affiliate clinic in Huntsville. He ended up speaking with the doctor there and she told him that was the first thing they tested for, and unfortunately in some cases it goes undetected. I have said many times that Erin’s soul plan was to leave this planet at age 10 and I keep having that confirmed over and over. It doesn’t make me feel better, or satisfied, but I can’t come to any other logical conclusion. However, the motherly part of me sure does wonder how I didn’t know, how I let them miss it, and how I let my daughter die. If it was you, your mind would go there too. It sort of opened the wound all over again to be honest, and I’ve spent the last several days in renewed agony.
Then on top of that, I got the same cold for the 3rd time this year. Whatever it is, same exact thing, third time since 12/30. It seems to be going away sooner this time but that’s the only good thing. I know my body is under stress and well, that’s just the way it is. I certainly don’t have any impetus to go all out and be healthy. I took very good care of Erin and it got us nowhere. I don’t plan to wash my hands in Roundup or anything, but geez, it doesn’t seem to matter.
On a brighter note, some kind soul put a beautiful little fairy figurine in our mailbox last Saturday (a week ago). I have no idea who it is from, but it’s beautiful and Erin would have loved her. She is so pretty – here is a picture of her little wings…
And on a heavier note, we went to visit HCES on Friday afternoon to see Erin’s reading area. It was very nice, and we also saw her teachers and some others we knew there. A teacher I did not previously know cried as she told me about Erin’s “local” best friend, and how depressed she was but that now she is finding new friends. That was very touching, but hard to hear for so many reasons. We have missed her friends and worried about them, and to know that they are hurting as we are makes us very sad too. We donated the majority of Erin’s books, specifically the Warrior Cats series and her varied fairy books, to the library. Each of them have a label in them that says “This was Erin’s Book. In Memory of Erin Alyssa Canter, 12/11/2003 – 8/14/2014, #missingerin” So if your child brings one home, you will know that it was Erin’s book. That will probably be the last time we visit HCES. We love them and have such fond memories, but it was so very painful to be there without her.
In fact, being here in the house is painful without her. If I had the means to move far, far away I would, but it’s too hard to coordinate two people’s livelihoods to even try right now. I know that we will have to leave this house in some relatively soon manner. Soon may be a year in this case, but it will happen. We can’t be normal here. There are too many memories. Hell, I don’t even like to look into my mother’s bedroom either as it reminds me of her. So we just use a few rooms of this 4400 square foot house, those where the memories linger but aren’t so painful that we can’t be in them. It will be hard to pack her room up one day though. It is just like she left it, except for it had been cleaned up before we left the house for the last time with her, and her things got put away when we came home without her.
I feel a need to get back to my spiritual journey. My lovely Aunt Shirley was kind enough to give me her tarot cards to practice with, and some books and other things. I have every other sort of divination card, including some beautiful ones that a dear friend hand made, but no true tarot cards. I plan to use hers to practice and then buy my own. They carry your energy, so hers won’t be 100% for me but they will work. That was a gift to my soul, spiritual food if you will, as it will assist me with more self-discovery. Whoever it was that said Know Thyself, wasn’t off one bit. It’s important.
And if I can keep my eye focused on the goal of spiritual growth and enlightenment, maybe I will make it. It is the only thing that soothes me. I’m a seeker, and lately I don’t seek to do much but avoid deep thought. Now I have digressed…
Namaste, blessings, and #missingerin