By now you probably figured out that I write mostly when my heart is heavy. And it is. There are many things that pile up that make even breathing too hard to bear. “Normal” people cannot understand it, and for good reason. I don’t judge them for it, because it is what it is, even though I can’t stand that saying. It fits, and so, so be it.
Just the idea of someone else’s child can bring up so many feelings, many of which I am ashamed of. I am ashamed because normal people would feel joy at someone getting married, or starting school, or having an achievement. But for me, it brings up all of the loss – the things I miss, the things I never got to experience with Erin, the memories of her illness, etc. It all comes flooding in within seconds, and no matter how I feel about the thoughts and feelings, they come anyway. I know they are normal. I still do not like them coming from my being. And I have to keep them silent or else they offend too greatly to recover from.
I have been visiting my Aunt for the last several days. One perk of working remotely is that I can be somewhat mobile. Anyway, it has been somewhat of a bittersweet visit. Erin should be here. She loved her Aunts and Uncles, and this is the first trip I have taken without her to their homes. Also, looking at family pictures, etc. has not been kind to me. Everyone else sees good memories, but I see sorrow. I’ve really had my fill and I don’t’ want to see any more. If you are family and reading, if I decline an invitation in the future it’s because I know I cannot physically take the experience. Please just deal with it and don’t pester me. I know, you haven’t, but I am trying to say in advance what I can and can’t withstand. I may be fine one minute and dying inside the next. It’s awful and just best for me to be alone with my elephant in the room.
That said, one thing that my Aunt reminded me of is that if we aren’t here in this awful place called Earth, with our lights to help others, then the light goes out and the darkness prevails. I know that is truth. It is all over lore and religious texts and other places. I remember a church song I learned in childhood, “This little light of mine.” Where do you think that came from? **smile** The Emerald Tablets of Thoth mention the lights of the souls, and how some shine brighter than others and some extinguish all together. And then there is the eternal story of the light and the dark, illustrated through writings and oral stories everywhere for eons.
No matter what your belief system is, shine your light. Stop the negative talk about and towards others, and offer uplifting thoughts and words. Do something for someone else, in service to others, daily. And not for the reward or for the “fruit” you may reap. Do it because it’s the right thing to do and expect nothing in return. If you cultivate your light, it will grow. But if you do nothing it will wither.
On Sunday, we visited the cemetery to see my grandmother’s, etc. graves. Before we even got out of the driveway though, there was an elderly lady who approached us. She was lost – didn’t even know what city she was in. She had wandered away from her home while her husband napped, and was not dressed for the weather and well, lost. So we sat with her until her husband got there to pick her up. Thankfully even though she was clearly in some stage of dementia, she remembered her address and her phone number.
That came naturally to me, but I wondered how many other people she had passed on her odyssey? She was several blocks from her home, and had come from a parallel street, so she had wandered quite a ways before she found us. Do other people think it’s just not their problem? Did anyone notice she wasn’t dressed for wind gusts and freezing weather? Why is there so much darkness in the world? Does it contribute to suffering? Death? How?
I suppose the only thing to do is to continue to cultivate my light, and hope that it illuminates the night enough to inspire someone else. It’s important to note that Jesus taught by example, and in my opinion never intended for anyone to preach but rather to live their light and provide an example to others. Again, the world-wide theme appears everywhere. It rears its beautiful head at times like Christmas, after 9/11, and other times where an outpouring of compassion and kindness spontaneously happens due to time of year or a world event. It is actually measurable (you can read about it here http://www.glcoherence.org/monitoring-system/about-system.html).
I’m only asking you to consider this concept, and pause before you act or react negatively. If needed, put yourself in my shoes. I wish so much that I had done just that so many times while yelling about homework, a mess in Erin’s room, or whatever. What mattered more than kindness and love? Nothing, but often times our actions and reactions take a different tone when we forget to shine our light, and for many reasons. But none of them matter, really, in the end.
Peace, blessings, and Namaste to you today. #missingerin