Funny, as I was logging in I thought my first words would be “Where do I start?” Then as soon as I saw the Dashboard, I saw a draft from January 8 that says “Where do I start?” for the first words. Wow. Am I stuck in a loop?
So let me start with my experience from yesterday. First though, I need to explain how my heart chakra is feeling. The only way that I can describe it is perhaps “zen” because I feel neither love nor hate, and it’s very constant feeling as you would find with some sort of balance. The only thing that gets it going any other direction is the sadness that I feel for Erin. Otherwise it seems to have hit some spot of understanding – maybe that’s it? Understanding? I get it – IT being life. I get it. I get that we are all one, that it doesn’t really matter what happens because in the end we are all just living out the roles we came to play, etc. War or peace, it doesn’t matter. It all turns out however it is headed to begin with anyway.
That said, I was on my way home…I am still in the helpdesk every day until the end of March when the contract closes…and I look up as I’m pondering this. I also was pondering, nearly simultaneously, that I would certainly give up my coat if I saw someone who needed it. I happened to be in an older part of town where there are a lot of people who are clearly poor walking about. Anyway, I stop behind a car with a license tag ENDING in 444. The number of the heart chakra. Well if all is love, then yep, it all ends with the heart chakra. And I certainly feel like my entirety of life lessons ended with the change in my heart chakra that happened when Erin died, and I so severely changed my perspective.
Well, it wasn’t very long until I stopped again and this time the license tag BEGAN with 999. 999 is the triple number signaling completion. I haven’t had one of those in my vision in a very long time. I took it as, the lesson of the heart ends, you have reached a stage of completion. As a side note, I also just deleted all of the email contacts from Children’s Hospital mid-day yesterday. It fit.
And then I got home, and Shaun told me that they called and have Erin’s autopsy report ready. They wanted us to come to Birmingham to meet with a “panel of doctors” to discuss it. He told them not a chance, and I’m glad. I am so tired, and I don’t know how knowing what happened to her at this point will make me feel better. In fact, what if it makes me feel worse? What if it was “easy?” So he told them to ship it here, and we will then send it to our family practice doctor who we know well enough to sit down and cry with if need be. I’m still not sure I want to know. Hell, I’m OK with each of you knowing but maybe I don’t want to know. I don’t have to know, ya know?
So I’m a little bit bummed that I thought I had hit this level of comfort, and then this. But really, I suppose that it’s fitting since I did hit some level of completion. I still don’t like it. Come as you are though right? I AM not happy and a little argumentative. I am very sad. I suppose that I have no other purpose in life, now, than to continue to learn and be of service. It doesn’t give me joy one way or another to help anyone. It’s just the right thing to do. I don’t do it or desire it for any other reason.
And maybe that is what quantifies how I feel with my heart? I don’t desire anything. Maybe I have achieved enlightenment or nirvana or whatever. The weird thing is that although I might have known before that I was barking up a wrong tree, or needed to make a change, or whatever, I can’t tell you HOW. I still can’t. It took this life even to change my perspective and it did so in an instant. Now I know. But I don’t know how to tell you to effect the same change. I wish I did. I wish it didn’t take misery to show us lessons we need to learn.
But if I did come up with something to tell you, I would say learn how to practice joy. If you aren’t feeling joyous, stop doing it. Tired of running your kids to stuff they don’t want to go to anyway? Stop doing it. They don’t HAVE to do anything. There is no written rule saying so. Not feeling going to that dinner party? Don’t go. You don’t have to be ungrateful for being asked but if it’s not bringing you joy, just do yourself a favor and politely decline. Joy doesn’t treat others badly, but it does treat you nicely. It is felt in the heart. Yeah, there are some things you probably have to do – like make sure your family eats! LOL But that’s more responsibility and less choice, right?
And thank you all – too many to name – for being so kind to Shaun and I. We are still struggling and probably always will, and we appreciate all of you. Namaste and #missingerin