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Jan 27

Matters of the Heart

Again, it has been several days since I last wrote. I am finding it harder and harder to speak about my feelings lately, and I’m unsure why. By the way, I just wrote “lastly” instead of lately, so I need to pay attention to that. I looked it up, the nerdy person that I am, and the word last actually has one definition that is “most lately.” So while that was technically correct in a sense, it also has these interesting definitions:

intransitive verb
1  to continue in time
2 a :  to remain fresh or unimpaired :  endure
b:  to manage to continue (as in a course of action)
c :  to continue to live
At this point in my tale of woe*, really all that i am doing is continuing. Continuing to breathe. Continuing to live. Certainly enduring. I cannot tell you how I am managing to continue, but I am. I keep reading all of this stuff about being active in your own growth and your desires. I guess continuing is some form of action, and it’s all that I can do right now. I feel as if I am stagnant, but truly I am doing good just to be alive.
I may have mentioned that I am in the office where I used to work for around the next 60 days. So on the way to work this morning, I was rather upset and then looked in front of me and saw the numbers 444 on a license plate. For those of you who follow numerology, or even just repeating numbers, 4 is the number of the heart chakra. Whether you count up or down, it’s chakra 4. I mentally thanked my guidance for reminding me that this work is of the heart, and then took a few moments to reflect on what that means for me and for humanity.
Our heart center is supposed to be extraordinary in that it has a tremendous electromagnetic field. It can affect people and even things and that is why heart’s desire is so important. It’s why compassion and love have such an effect on our fellow humans. Did you know that just after 9/11, there was a global change in the magnetic field of earth? Look here for more information (scroll down some). It’s really amazing what we can do via our emotions and focused thought. For those of you who believe in ETs, one of the reasons that humans are so “important” as a species is that we have both logic and emotion. Emotion is apparently a highly prized asset in the universe and it makes us special. I think Star Trek does a good job of showing those who fear emotion’s power (i.e., Vulcans) what an asset it can be. Just look at the interactions between Kirk and Spock, or the story of Data as he tried for years to understand and assimilate emotion into his programming.
Back to me, I have pondered my own heart center frequently. For awhile it felt charred and burned to a crisp. Now it almost feels numb, but I realized this morning it can’t be. I feel deeply the sadness that I am carrying, and I cry several times a day. Numb people don’t cry or feel such depths of sadness. There are times that I can’t feel anything else except my pain for Erin, but sometimes other things creep in. I feel moments of joy. After work yesterday I briefly cried as I read a note from Humana offering condolences at the death of my mom. I have seen news stories that made me cry, or read the stories of others on FaceBook. Perhaps my heart chakra is simply being re-calibrated.
That really doesn’t resonate about the recalibration, but remember, I’m just continuing on and not really doing too much else. This is like climbing a mountain with weights on your boots. I do know that I need to stop and check how I’m feeling more instead of running from it, and yet that’s easier said than done. It’s more comfortable to run. The feelings still catch up with me, but I can at least focus on running for a moment or so before they do.
For the first time in my life I have no direction, no desires, no inkling of what I am doing or why I am here. I always had a purpose, and knew that I had what I needed in life to help me along and to be happy. I don’t know that anymore. Truthfully, the world could end without me caring because I’ve lost my world. I guess that isn’t all bad, having nothing to lose that is. Think of what a leg up I would have should our society collapse. Most people would be grieving possessions or people, and I would be grieving nothing. If I’ve finally “got” it, I wish I could get on with it. Whatever it is.
I guess I’ve spoken about what I wanted today. 444 to you, and Namaste. #missingerin

1 comment

  1. Shawn Putman

    If continuing is all you can do for now, or forever, then so be it! You have shown strength and poise that I find amazing! Your heart will find Erin again one day! I believe that and it brings me some comfort for you! Where when and how you find her, I can’t say but I know that I believe it in my heart! Much love as always! Namaste!

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