I haven’t written in a few days, and this time not because I am busy. I have become extremely depressed again. I have what I assume is PTSD, because I have vivid images and “movies” that play in my mind of Erin laying in the ICU, dying, the short time before she was unconscious, the few minutes they woke her a few days in, etc. I see those images and I can’t control when they come, but they are so tangible that I swear I can reach out and touch them. They rip holes in my heart and make me wish I was done, dead, finished.
I think my mind goes back there to find the moment where I should have turned left instead of turning right. But I can’t find that decision point, even though my subconscious keeps looking. I have known from the beginning that her death was just meant to be, and I get it but I don’t accept it. There are so many things that tell me that it was her fate, and mine, and yet I still do not accept it. I read that I need to let her go, but I refuse. Going back to one of Matt Kahn’s videos, I am going to own that and come as I am. That’s one piece of baggage that no one better ask me to let go of. How could the universe even begin to think I can overcome and drop that baggage? Surely there is no being corporeal or not that could expect that of me.
All of this grief that I am pouring into the collective consciousness, I hope it’s being put to good use. Someone out there, be it a God or whatever, better recognize that there is a lot of f’ing suffering, and that it’s too much. I would rather be raped and tortured than to have lost my child. There are many different types of suffering, but this has got to be the worst.
I get why I had to experience this in this lifetime, but I don’t accept it. I have always been different, and I think outside of the box. I accept all things as possible, somewhere somehow. So I recently realized that my not accepting that Erin was gone forever, or for this lifetime, is completely valid and that if anyone will find a quantum way back to her it will be me. I don’t know how, and I don’t have to. I just have to believe it, and never stop searching for that pathway.
So to whomever set this BS planet and experience up, I’m calling your bluff. Too much pain is here and we deserve for it to come to an end. I’m looking for the chink in your armor, so be warned. Release all of us or I’m coming for you. I declare the age of happiness and joy to be NOW and for the end of suffering to be NOW.
Most of you will think I am crazy, but I can accept that and be OK with it. Namaste and so be it. #missingerin