I wanted to post yesterday but I have been extremely busy. I started coming back into “the office” to assist with a contract transition and close out, and will be here for awhile most every day. It has been a nice distraction because “work me” smiles and chats and tries to uplift my staff. It’s part of my character yes, but also an automatic response. You can’t help but be more cheerful when you are smiling.
That said, yesterday was a hard day. I knew that it was the 5 month anniversary of Erin’s death. It has actually, in weeks, been closer to 6 months, but nonetheless it was 5 months yesterday. I had to go to Wal-Mart during the work day to get a new coffee pot for the office, and while on that aisle I saw an Olaf waffle maker. That nearly tore me in two, and so I choked back the tears – hey, I have to wear make up and really don’t want black crap running down my face after crying – so I choked back the tears and headed to the coffee aisle. While there, this nice lady asked about the pot I had in the cart, and I thought “Whew, a distraction! Thank you universe!” But then I found myself in the check out line, looking at all of the stuff that Erin would have been asking for had she been there with me. I still held it together, though.
And that’s when I was headed towards the door, and had forgotten that if you have unbagged stuff the door person wants to see your receipt. I was just barely holding it together, so much so that I was irritated that the lady who came over to me and asked had a speech impediment. Look, that’s not me, but I wasn’t really in my right state of mind, and I’m just trying to be honest while telling you my story. But I grabbed the receipt and then I saw it – her name tag said ERIN. Shit.
I cried all the way to the car, and managed to dry it up before I made the less than 5 minute drive back to work. But I was weepy all day, and somewhat down.
I haven’t shared yet that a few nights before, I was laying in the bed trying to sleep and having what is basically PTSD, where I fight off images of Erin in ICU, etc. It is very painful for me to go through that over and over but it happens regularly. Around that time, I felt HER, yes her, come straight into my heart chakra and it felt better. A few minutes later I felt sad again, but it happened again, and I realized that while the thoughts were still there I could not manage to feel bad within my heart. I believe she stayed until I went to sleep.
And last night, I felt her pounce on the bed right in between Shaun and I. He was already asleep. By the way, when I say things like this, I have already (in the moment) analyzed the heck out of it and considered other options. I don’t want to lie to myself any more than I want to lie to you all. It passed the litmus test and I know it was her.
So I really don’t know what I am doing this morning besides trying to chronicle what all I have been experiencing over a few days of not posting. It’s different writing with so many people around me. I am sensitive to energy and so instead of solitude, I have 50+ personalities pressing in on my and interfering with my thoughts and emotions. I guess I will have to get the hang of blocking all of that out again. I don’t do well with that sort of thing, and it drains me.
Well, work calls, but maybe I will be more calm later and have an actual train of thought!
Namaste and #missingerin