I posted something earlier on Facebook attributed to Nelson Mandela that said “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” It has a few more lines that reiterate that, and I’m not sure why that is so important to focus on but it occurred to me to reexamine it now. I also had a rather nebulous conversation via messenger today with a friend that finally revealed fear. So apparently fear is the topic du jour.
After Erin’s death, I fear nothing. I can’t say that I don’t get taken by surprise, or even have a tense moment of “oh crap not that” at certain times. I mean, if someone broke in the house I would be tense, but I have nothing to lose so what is there to be afraid of? Tenseness and fear may be similar flavors but they are different. The former is a flight or fight response from your body. Fear resonates deeper, into the soul.
So let me reiterate that I fear nothing. I would be very upset if something happened to Shaun. I love him, so how would I not? But I’ve lived my worst nightmare now, and having lost the child I carried nothing compares. It just doesn’t, and I feel slightly bad about that because I love him. But that is the truth, and it doesn’t detract from how much I love him. It’s just – I can’t feel worse. So, that said, my only fear left is having to get up tomorrow, and the next day, without my daughter. What’s the worst that could happen? I used to do that scenario for perspective. Never was the worst that Erin would die, or even Shaun. It was a given, an absolute, that they would not. So thus I feared my death as the ultimate “worst” and never theirs. Everything else, including their safety of course, was the context for driving me in my life. Well all of that shit got wiped out in an instant didn’t it? Fear, and lack of it, are funny things.
My friend has some fears, and without saying too much about my opinion (it wasn’t asked for), I will say that I know it came up for me to examine and not for her. Well maybe it was for her too, but none of my beeswax as again, I wasn’t asked. I just find it interesting and as I write I am still wondering Why examine this and Why in this blog and Why today? Run on question 🙂
Well being stumped, I just paused to pull a card for more clarity. Well, for some clarity, because I had a whopping none. I pulled one I have never pulled which is Discipline: I can accomplish what I set my mind to. Ah, finally some clarity. I spoke to my aunt a few times this past week about my palm. She reads palms, and while she was here she took a gander at mine. She made a few comments that quite frankly were bummers for me. First, my lifeline is long. You would understand the bummerness if you woke up in emotional pain daily. I wonder when it will end. Wish for it. It’s not really as tragic as it sounds. I am done, or feel like it, and yet apparently not. Whoever locked me in this room isn’t ready to let me out yet. The second thing she said was that she sees this bunch of life shit (my words) in my lines, and she sees peace afterward. That doesn’t please me either. I don’t feel like having peace, really, which surprises me. I feel that if I achieve peace, I will let go of Erin, and I can never do that. So bingo! There’s the big fear. You see how I had to look for it? Our emotions and our Egos will never just give it up. They try to protect us from it, and thus play hide and seek and stay in a state of denial. If you don’t call it a pink bunny, maybe it’s blue in other words. Reminds me of my grandfather. They wanted a girl, got a boy, so let his hair grow long and didn’t name him. Yeah, that worked didn’t it. LOL It’s funny but this is exactly what our protection systems do. They think it’s healthy, and it may be for a moment, but you can’t stay wrapped up in lies forever. It becomes toxic to your emotions and to the physical body too.
I didn’t really plan the time to get into a discussion of emotional clearing and so I am going to save that for another article (or one I’ve already written. If you have burning questions, consult the menu.). But the seeker and observer in me finds this most interesting. I don’t think I can move forward while harboring the fear of moving forward. Sounds pretty simple but easier said than done when it’s like walking on knives.
I guess that’s all for today! Namaste, and #missingerin