Before I get off track, enjoy this front and back picture of the beautiful angel that my neighbor Kate L. gave us on Saturday. She said she looked for a fairy, because she knew Erin loved fairies, but they are “out of season.” This angel is beautiful though, and I know Erin will love it as much as I do. She loved all magical creatures, beautiful creatures, all creatures really.
I had to include the back because the wings are so pretty.
We leave early in the morning for our trip. It’s a working trip for me, because I used all of my leave while Erin was sick. But we won’t be here and that is all that I hope for. Anywhere but here. I feel obligated to tell the less honest that we have security guards in the neighborhood, and someone watching our house. And no gifts this year, so you won’t get anything except some jail time 🙂 That said…
I miss my baby so much that it is driving me nearly insane. I dreamed last night that I was telling Shaun I needed someone to mother. It was a longing so deep that I can still feel it from my dream. Before you ask, I’m not going out looking for a replacement child. The longing I feel is for Erin only and while another child would fill it, it would be momentarily. To each their own, but she was enough and always will be. I just want her, nothing else.
I have been pulling “positive” cards from my Souls Journey deck, although I can’t fathom why! Yesterday was Humor, today Happiness (I am aware that being happy means I am on the right track). How I am on the right track, or even remotely happy, I can’t see, but whatever. Humor, yes, that is totally me. It is my nature to find humor even in the face of sorrow.
I also want to include a picture of Elfie and Snowflake for those of you who don’t read the Missing Erin blog. Oh how she loved Elfie. She only had a few weeks to love Snowflake, but named her and loved her just the same last year. Elfie, though, she loved him as if he were her own sibling. She would cry every year when he would “leave.” One year she accidentally touched him and she cried and cried, afraid he would lose his magic or leave. I assured her that wasn’t the case, that she hadn’t “touched him enough,” and she was relieved the next day when he moved again.
Will I miss not having a tree, or decorations, or using my Christmas stuff? A little, but only because it brings memories of happy times for our family. We really gave it all away, except for what was Erin’s or what she loved. I have no heirs, no one to leave anything to, so I gave most of it to my Aunt and cousin so that at least the things that were my mother’s will stay with her family. Every memory reminds us of Erin, and her absence, and so there is no more happiness for me with any holiday. I have wanted to detach for years. Well here is my chance, albeit not something I would have chosen. If you are thinking how sad, well it is. And it will be, forever.
Shaun and I have had so many awful firsts this fall. She died, her service was on my birthday, my mother’s birthday and Halloween, and her Papa’s birthday and Thanksgiving, and her birthday, Christmas, and then Shaun’s birthday is coming up on 1/1. If you think your life sucks, come live mine for a day. This is cruel and unusual.
So I may not write much over the next week, but I will be back at it sometime soon. Hopefully you can enjoy your time off or with family. If I am lucky, I’ll either die on my plane ride or contract some deadly disease when I get there. If that were to happen, be happy for me because that means I’m happy once again. But don’t count on it. I don’t get off so easy and have always been made to do everything the hard way. I’m tired of that and it sucks. But that is my life.
Wish me some peace, and I’ll wish you some blessings. #missingerin