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Dec 18

Winter Solstice

Notice I didn’t say “Happy” Winter Solstice. I’m not even sure it’s today, but someone wished me Happy Solstice this morning. I think it may be 12/21, but still. This was something that Erin and I had begun sharing a few years ago, and so today I woke up melancholy. Cultures have been celebrating, or at least marking, the solstices and equinoxes for longer than we know. And when religions sprang up, they based their holy days (holi-days) around them. Do some research if you are interested. The information is out there in spades. But that’s not what I want to talk about today. Plus, I prefer that others learn on their own and put just as much work into knowing what they know as I have put into knowing what I know. So anyway…

I am sitting here melancholy, and I thought of the stories that Erin and I have read together for the last two years (this would have been the third). We were at the Mall on the Winter Solstice 2012, because she had a Build a Bear gift card that I promised her that she could use that day. Boy I was sorry when we got there – it was busier than I had ever seen it and we barely found a parking space. Plus we had my mother with us, which was always difficult. Having an adult that is more like a child along, who also knows they are an adult and thus minds worse than a child, is stressful. But again, I have digressed.

When we left the mall, it was a nearly hour long wait to get out of the parking garage. I have never experienced that before or since, and we were sitting in the car wondering what to do. So I got on my phone and found two of the most wonderful stories to read her. I am not sure I can read them myself today, because just finding them brought on a ton of tears, but I want to at least share them with you. They are short and you will enjoy them. Trust me.

The first is the story of the Yule Faeries. You can find the version we liked here. It is about the “death” of the old sun and the rebirth of the “baby” sun. Remember, the Solstice is the shortest day of the year and so it is a sort of death and rebirth event.

The second story is called The Candleberry Elf. It’s a tad longer, but such a wonderful story. You can find the version we liked here. I found this one especially heart-warming. I hope you enjoy.

I was feeling so blue before I started writing that I pulled a card for some encouragement. Guess what I pulled? Death: I am learning that endings are merely new beginnings. Damn. Not only did my team keep in line with today’s overall theme, they keep driving this point home to me. I hope they know something that I don’t, because the truth is that I understand that but I don’t have the will to keep going. The will to truly live is just gone. Every day is a struggle, every day is pain, and I just don’t care. I know I’ve said it before, so if this bores you I am sorry. Just think of how shitty it would be if you were to wake up feeling like this every day. I know depressed people who do, and some have no apparent reason for it. That doesn’t make their plight any less real or depressing, but at lest they have hope that maybe one day they wake up and don’t feel that way. I don’t. I will wake for the rest of my life reliving Erin’s illness and death. And that sucks. It sucks a big one. I really don’t know how to make lemonade with these lemons. They are rotten lemons for sure.

Maybe the energies of the Solstice will cleanse me and I will feel differently afterward. I am not holding my breath. But I do hope that you enjoy the stories.

Peace, love, and Namaste. #missingerin

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