Not a day goes by that I don’t ask myself what went wrong. Now, bear with me here and you will see that I eventually come to the same conclusions that I do when I am clear and unburdened, which still happens but only for seconds at a time these days. Oh, and no I didn’t have a title when I began, and then I got one, and it was a song lyric that I thought was weird and now it is gone from my mind in the span of only a few minutes. But alas, I do have one, and another song lyric. Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey. I have always loved that song but thanks to Julie M., it now has new meaning to me. And it seems appropriate for my post today.
Back to my story. I self-reflect (or self-mutilate my soulThis is) at times when I have a moment alone with my thoughts. That’s like when I go to the bathroom (anywhere), when I open the refrigerator door, when I go into a room where no one else is there, and times like that. It happens fast, and while I understand the dialogue that went on in my mind and the pain that hit my heart, it usually isn’t an actual English conversation. And it doesn’t have to be, because I traveled the path and understood the language. But I’m digressing…I ask myself most often what went wrong. How did I LET this happen? As if I had any control over it! I’m condensing this so bear with me some more…controlling situations is one of my lifelong issues. I did not have any control over my environment as a child. My childhood wasn’t like most of yours. I grew up with not a parent but a partier. I was frequently in situations that not only were emotionally painful to me but that I couldn’t control. So I learned to take charge, be assertive and harsh if needed. And guess what? You can’t control everything now can you. That’s a statement not a question. It’s a fact. It took me until mere days before Erin died to acknowledge that to the universe, to the creator, to whomever. I am not in control of this, please help me. I need help. Please help her. Still I was asking for MY desired outcome. That’ still a control issue.
So I go through this viscous circle of how did I let this happen, what did I do wrong, WHY did this happen, why am I being punished, how am I supposed to live without her, blah blah etc. etc. I say that somewhat smart-assedly because even though I firmly believe somewhat otherwise, I still ask very 3D questions to questions that have otherwise cosmic implications. As I read recently in a book about Native American beliefs, and I will paraphrase, how are we to know what The Great Mystery is doing? It is so vast, we will never know. That was a paraphrase – I hope I conveyed the gist. There are things about this lifetime and this situation specifically that I will never know in this body, and may not know when I shed it and return to spirit one day. This is the Me in Clarity speaking right now. Give me five minutes and I will be a blubbering mess again.
That’s my day, all day, every day. Asking things that are painful and that I will never know the answers to fully anyway. You can say stop torturing yourself, but you know that I can’t. My psyche is really just trying to get me to understand that there was nothing more I could have done and that Erin’s death was just meant to be. Doesn’t matter why – it was meant to be. My mind and heart can’t accept that. My soul can, though, because it Knows. At fleeting moments, mind, heart and soul meet and I have a moment of peace.
I probalby should have shared this first, but these are train of thought and somewhat meditative writings, so I let them flow. Before I began, I pulled a card from both decks I’ve been using. I didn’t get the first one, so I pulled from the Angel deck and got Sonya: I bring you a message from your deceased loved one: I am happy, at peace, and I love you very much. Please don’t’ worry about me.”
NO way that was a coincidence. I sure needed that message, and it also helped me to understand the first one. Success (??): I know that there is no greater goal than to love. I didn’t get it because I didn’t get the Success part. I get it now. There is no greater goal than to love. I feel like I have met that goal. I just wish that so much suffering and pain didn’t exist for me. I wish it for you too. It’s an abomination and it shouldn’t be so. I agree there is value in knowing what it’s like, but there is too much and it lasts lifetimes for some. That is another topic for another day, but it’s not right.
I will close by sharing my poorly taken picture of Sonya with you. Peace, love, blessings, Namaste, and #missingerin