I start out today not knowing the title, so when I figure it out it will be news to me but you will have already read it. After having a somewhat good day yesterday, I felt very sad and depressed last night. I cried myself to sleep again.
One thing that kept going through my mind, well let me just share it with you.
Once upon a time there was a young woman who didn’t want to ever get married or have kids. Then one day she met her future husband, and knew instantly he was the man she would marry. They had a good life together and had a lot of fun. After several years of no birth control, they wondered if they could have kids, and since their insurance was so good, they got tested. There was nothing wrong with them except a small cervix, and they were told that without insemination they wouldn’t have kids naturally the first time. So after some careful consideration, they decided they were happy and didn’t want to change their lives with the addition of children.
Then a few years later, suddenly the woman turned up pregnant. It was a shock, but once they got over the initial shock they were happy. And when their daughter was born, one day earlier than the due date, they immediately fell in love with her. Her name was Erin. And Erin turned out to be a wonderful child. Very headstrong, and somewhat fearful, but a wonderful child. And their family was more than they could have ever dreamed of. But one day Erin got sick, and no one could figure out what it was. In fact, it appeared that it kept changing it’s tune. It was deemed serious, but wasn’t supposed to be fatal. The woman never knew until minutes before her angel died that she was not going to live. It was devastating. She had been given a gift in life for a short time, and now it was gone. The end.
For whatever reason, that story has spoken itself over and over in my mind for two days now. and I was about to say, for what it’s worth, that I no longer know where I am going with this and may even scrap it all together. I still don’t quite have a handle on it, but there is something here for me to learn and to say. I needed to say this, and say it that way. There are several things I am feeling. I’m bitter. I feel as if I am being punished. I feel as if there is no joy on this planet. That’s a big deal to me, because I am stuck here. It feels like I – like WE – are set up to fail. We only survive, nothing more. I suppose that is a good learning experience for a soul, but it is too much to bear.
I read continuously this month that there is a lot of light coming onto the planet and into our bodies. Light illuminates the ugliness that has hidden in the darkness. Maybe I am just finding more of what has been inside, buried, killing me from within. What I really want is to escape, or at least to be reborn in a sense. I cannot do either it seems, though, and yet I keep trying.