Today, unfortunately, is all about it being Erin’s 11th birthday and her not being here with us to celebrate it. Sad doesn’t begin to describe it, but sometime during the night I became somewhat numb. Maybe it was the fatigue. I felt like I was up all night.
I don’t know if I posted it, but I dreamed once that I was in another reality and that she died in that one too. Well, last night I had a similar dream but different reality. I guess the message is that her Soul really left the Earth plane on every reality. I still can’t believe it’s true for this reality, but I guess this is giving me insight and closure of some sort.
I don’t have much to share today. I’m sort of hollow inside, with a few bouts of tears here and there (so far). But I will share this. I felt like I was up all night because Puppy, Erin’s dog, was up all night. He never leaves his bed unless it’s to come lay next to my side of the bed on the floor. This is a constant – never happens. He doesn’t even leave the bedroom to go potty in the mornings when Shaun leaves, or gets up on the weekends. He waits until I get up and then he leaves.
I have no idea what time it was. I have a policy that I don’t look at the clock if I wake up, because then I stress about going back to sleep. So I hear him get up at some time, and his little toenails clicking on the wood floor in the hallway. The first time he waited a bit before coming back. I thought that was weird. Then he came back and went to sleep. I can tell by the way he breathes and snores 🙂 Well, it happened again, and again, and again. I lost count around the 7th or 8th time, but I think it happened 10 or 11 times in all. Since I was basically awake (trying to sleep), I realized that sometimes I would hear a noise that wasn’t normal in the house, and once he even jumped up at it and ran out of the bedroom door. Other times there was no noise. It went on all night it seemed.
After a few times, I realized that he was hearing Erin in her room. The length of the footsteps would have taken him that far in my estimation. I think she was in her room all night on and off and Puppy heard her and went to check it out. I was so tired I didn’t get up, and figured if she wanted to visit she would come to our room. I haven’t been in there to look this morning, though. Going in there is very painful for me. It is exactly as she left it except for the few items we laid on the bed after we returned from the hospital.
I miss her more than words can say. I am also amazed at the strength of the emotions after over 4 months of not seeing her or hearing her voice. Every day they are as fresh as they were then. I hope no one ever has to go through this, but apparently there are many. I feel sorry for us. There is nothing anyone can say to make us feel better or worse. We will always feel terrible, until the day we leave these bodies and move on.
Erin, we love you so much and miss you more than words can say. #missingerin